Where am I Going Wrong?

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Been single forever, now 27. Despite people, even girls, telling me I am good looking and talented girls NEVER want to date let alone enter a relationship with me. Not only this, but they completely ignore me... maybe that's because I am not extroverted enough, but having AS makes socializing hard, so I tried online dating. I probably messaged 50 different girls across all the big dating sites, and without fail not a single one responded. Out of 50 I would say 85% actually read my message and took the time to view my profile. Clearly my initial message was good and my picture not hideous if that happened right? My profile was simple, respectful, and clean. It described me to the best of my abilities (which with AS is limited).

I am a tall guy, 6'5'', average build, full head of dark hair, and I am an artist... isnt that supposed to be all "hip" and "sexy"? Yet, girls just aren't interested. Why not? What am I doing so wrong that I dont even get a response...

I do not feel entitled to a girl or any of that nonsense, nor do I blame them. I am trying to figure out where I AM going wrong. I just don't get how my success is so little. My NT friend who is short, pudgy, and has a receding hair line had a ridiculously successful love life before getting married. He even said to me "I can't explain why your luck is so bad."

Thoughts? Is it just online dating? Im too AS to approach girls in real life... wish I could. All my friends have had their girls/wives approach them though!

This is incredibly frustrating, and I would really appreciate any help.

Well, I was 29 before I even had my first date and I spent years being frustrated by it. I know all too well how hard it is to do in real life but practice makes perfect. Yes, you will fall flat on your face more than once: the quicker you accept that the better off you will be. I personally would not waste too much time on online dating: sure I met my match there but almost all women I met were messed up in one way or another and even ended up in a horrifically bad relationship with a girl who almost certainly had Borderline Personality Disorder that almost drove me off the deep end. Looking back, online sites are loaded with these types so beware! In my experience, even if they aren't messed up almost all women on major sites are extremely ambivalent about being in a relationship and even God himself would not meet their impossible standards. Don't take it personally.

For me it was actually really simple to get success but I took a while to really understand why. I literally learned to stand properly and to show off a bit of masculinity. Again, I have mentioned before not to do anything illegal or immoral but you need to slowly show your masculine side. I would give examples but I do not want anyone to take it literally and get into legal trouble.

I can't see it from here, maybe try another picture ? Never mention AS in dating anyway.

If you want, send me the message that didn't get responded to, by pm and I'll look at it. (ps, i'm a woman)

Link us your profile.

It is likely your profile text and/or your "extra" photos.
If you link or copy over the profile text, we can try and have a look.
I myself haven't managed to get a date yet, but i can at least have girls respond to my initial messages on dating sites (assuming i can beat my approach anxiety enough to actually send one); i send out 20 messages, got 10 responses, and about 5 of those resulted in conversations (which ended in ghosting from her side, but still)
Also, for some reason, i got a few (3) girls message me first (not counting the import bride/escort service scams), all 3 of which also became conversations (which ghosted).

one thing that i can say is that you could try hiding your length on your profile: many girls state that they want a tall guy, but the guy being almost a foot taller than her (even in the netherlands, the average girl is around 5'6) is intimidating.
I have not done so, but i typically message the taller girls in the database anyway (5'10+), since i don't want to be *that* much taller.

You say that you are an artist. I am a musician, so please take what I say in a friendly was as someone else who also works in a field that other people see as non-lucrative.

Could *this* be the reason women don't like you? You don't make enough money, or they don't think you do? If you make a living with your art, can you somehow "prove it"? For example, linking to sites that might show some of the work you got paid for?

The arts can often be seen as a "cute hobby" by outsiders who do not understand the ways that artists can piece together an income. Many people also put money as such a high priority that they do not understand the drive & passion one can have doing something "for the love of it."

Can you look for girls in a different environment? I would recommend looking for artsy girls, because these are the ones who will understand. So think about where artsy girls will hang out, then go there. Try not to worry about being "too AS". My guess is that where they are will be environments where you also might be more comfortable.

Most girls are looking for two things in a relationship in my experience:
1) A guy with a sense of humour who is fun for women hang around with.
2) A potential partner who has a stable background including a career and academic achievements and who can provide a home to any children they produce.
It's not about looks or intellectual capacity in my opinion. If you can't meet either of the above criteria you're going to find it very hard to attract a girlfriend.

Women HATE it when a guy feels sorry for himself.

I wasn't talking about him. I was talking about in general.

As for him, he has lots of advantages which I don't have. I'm a foot shorter than him, I'm not a good artist, and I'm not well-spoken. Yet, I didn't have too much trouble with the ladies after my early 20s.

I would say: try not to rely so much on online dating. Try to go to venues where you'll find people who share your interest. Make sure you dress "arty" but clean and neat. Don't talk about "dating." I bet you'd do fine if you were able to present yourself visually--IN PERSON.

I met my girlfriend through OkCupid and have talked to many people who are in long term relationships that met through that site. Everyone I've talked to says they were at their breaking point when they meet their match, which has led me to the following hypothesis...

Dating sites use algorithms to match people, but if they were really effective at matching people they would lose money, as people would not spend as much time on the site paying subscriptions or viewing ads. I think their algorithms are actually quite effective, and they know not only who your ideal match is soon after you join, but they also know how long you're willing to hold out before you give up. When you're near your breaking point, they introduce you to your match.

Now for more useful advice. I tried to be scientific in my time spent on dating sites. At first I put that I thought I had ASD (I'm not formally diagnosed) and had no responses whatsoever. After I changed my profile, I still had no responses. A friend told me I needed to send more than one message, and his advice worked. If I sent a second message to a person a few days after the first I would almost always get a reply, and had a few dates with people after doing so. The girl I ended up dating long term asked me out, and her message was simple. She said I didn't seem totally awful and asked if I wanted to get a drink. I didn't tell her I thought I was I on the spectrum until after a few dates, but she did endure some long winded descriptions of Hohmann transfers before I told her.

I had many relationships when I was younger, before I was aware that I might have ASD, that were catastrophic I think in large part because there were things I didn't know about myself. I think the reason this one worked is because I was straightforward about it. I told her to be direct and explicit, otherwise I probably wouldn't catch on, and told her that there were some sensations I would not be able to handle, and that if I asked her to stop something she would have to stop.

In general I think honesty is very important, but part of that is knowing when to reveal certain things.

If you are willing to share your profile, and one or two of the messages you've sent, then I can offer my input about what the issue may be. I find that most people fall into the same traps with online dating profiles, which usually include the following:

1.) Bad pictures, taken indoors with terrible lighting or angles
2.) A profile that is completely uninteresting and says nothing about who you are
3.) Too much sarcasm or humor. Lots of people try to be witty in every line, but it just comes across as overly shallow and in poor taste.
4.) General creepiness. This can be anything from professing your love to someone in your opening message, to talking about sex in your profile or messages.
5.) Messaging the wrong people. Message people who you have a lot in common with based on the contents of their profile...don't message someone just because they're attractive and female.
6.) Negativity. If you have any negative language in your profile or messages, I'd consider removing it.

I really appreciate all the responses, thank you. Unfortunately, I trashed all my dating profiles out of anger and frustration (not the first time, Im sure the cycle will start again). However, I will write what I usually do and link to my picture.

Alright, please help me work through this; I will start with the typical message I would send.

Let's assume I found a nice girl's profile who likes to go on outdoor adventures and her name is Ashley. *Disclaimer: This does not represent any real person or profile.*

Hey Ashley,
Your profile is very nice and you seem like an interesting person, so I figured I would send a message. I like being outdoors as well, what has been your greatest outdoor adventure so far? Do you have a favorite place you like to go?

All the best,
My name

I try to keep my messages short, respectful, and I ask questions to start conversation... nothing, no responses ever.

But, the first message doesn't seem to be the root of the problem. She will usually look at my profile after, so the next thing is probably my picture.... let's just get this out of the way:


Not the best looking guy in the world, but like I said before some people say I am "handsome" so it can't be too bad.

My other photos are fairly similar, and every one of them is clean, fully clothed, and not stupid.

The text of my profile is usually something like:

I am a creative guy with a ridiculous sense of humor... blah blah... I like the outdoors... blah.... I am very respectful and easy-going, so feel free to send me a message!

I never mention AS anywhere.

So then comes the details... maybe this is where it all falls apart. I am a lead artist working on a video game (I never mention the video game part since girls hate them). I was making good money at one point, but the company's funds dried up. Here's the interesting part, they begged me to stay since I am quite good and I get a share of the millions when we make it. HOW IS THIS NOT SEXY?!

So academic achievements... I have none. I taught myself everything and dropped out of college. I didnt need it. I wasted 11 semesters of my life in college, was a good 3.4 gpa student, and showed up to every class. This does not mean I am uneducated, stupid, or lazy. Being Aspies, we can teach ourselves anything we need to know right? School is for NT sheep.

Ok enough ranting, so all that description above I usually leave out and put "Some college" for my education and leave the income field blank since its complicated. Do you really think this is why no girls respond? Is it all really that petty? I ought to try an experiment and put 200k per yer as my income and see what happens.

Oh by the way for the rest of the details:
Don't drink
No drugs
Dont smoke
Dont have kids, might want them
No past relationships/marriages
Loves dogs

The girls I usually go for are in my league I think. I like really tall girls, so its less intimidating for them and I think its very attractive. I also like curvy chubby girls, something I get made fun of all the time for but its what I like. Point is, Im not messaging super models, but girls I feel are a good match.

None of this makes any sense to me and its so frustrating. It seems like I should at least get some kind of response from some girls...