Girls agree to go out then change their mind.

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I don't know why this keeps happening. The last 4 girls I've asked out all said yes but then either cancelled or stopped replying when I tried getting details. I haven't been rude or inappropriate, I just can't figure it out. I'm not unattractive, I don't have a problem with hygiene and I dress fairly nice. For some reason girls don't even give me a chance. It's been over 6 years since I've been in a relationship. I've seen more girls pass me up then I can count. I don't know how I'm going to find a girlfriend when I can't even manage to get a girl to go out with me once. This is all very depressing for me. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, I guess I just need to vent a little.

That's a friggin' bummer, my man.

I'd be pretty pissed, too.

Where'd you "find" these girls?

A couple have been people I've talked to online, and a couple were people I met IRL. The two that really hurt was first a girl I asked out IRL and she said yes. We exchanged numbers and she accepted my FB friend request. She then told me she had a boyfriend a few days later. The last one was a girl I met online. We were messaging for over a month. She gave me her number and texted me the entire time she was on vacation, promising we'd get together when she got back. Well, we set up a date to meet and just a few hours before we were supposed to meet, she cancelled. She said she was busy but we'll "definitely reschedule." Then two days later after not responding to my texts she tells me she's not interested anymore.

That last one really hurt. I was just starting to become confident that things were starting to go well and despite my best efforts I got my hopes up. I just can't seem to figure these things out.

All I can say, my friend, is to soldier on.

I've run into this sort of crap myself.

And you will run into it, too.

It's hard to be patient--but patient you must be.

I know you're right. It's really hard being patient especially since I have no outlet to relieve my pain or frustration, but I don't really have much of a choice.

There is one girl I asked out a while ago who just said "No, I'm not single" it sucked that she said no, but I was so glad she was so direct. It was much easier for me to take. I wish it happened that way more often. If I see her again I'm going to have to thank her for that.

I'm still having a hard time with the fact that 4 girls in a row agreed only to cancel later. This kind of thing makes it very hard to maintain self-esteem.

Ouch. I know how you feel. I really do. As the rejections mount up, you can't help but feel there's no hope. Hang in there.

At the risk of making you feel worse, you need to hear something. One thing I learned after some time was that a most of the girls weren't changing their mind. They were lying from the start. We'd exchange numbers, then they'd screen their calls, or they would suddenly become very busy every weekend. They were trying to postpone the point when I "caught the hint" to a time when they weren't present and didn't have to empathize. It's cowardly, mean and cruel, but that's a lot of NT's for you. It was hard not to be angry when that happened, and it made ongoing friendships with them difficult.

The only advice I can give (other than persist) is get a wing man. It's such an old and trite cliche, but having someone else who can observe your actions, give feedback, and help you interpret hers can be invaluable. I fell into it by accident. I didn't even really know that's what I was doing at the time, but it's what ultimately worked for me.

I think it's more of a problem with the girls than it is a problem with you.

That sucks . I hate it when people are inconsistent, if you make plans with someone and have to cancel, you should always reschedule. I feel like this is maybe a NT thing? It happens to me too, although not just with dates. It's easy and natural to take it personally, but sometimes people are just a bit s***.

I think what happens is women don't know how to say no directly, and will constantly find ways to avoid rather than resolve. Women are like this toward other women--trust me. I deal with this garbage on a daily basis with my female friends. They are faaaaaaar from direct and forward about things; this is why women gossip instead of saying something to each others' face: they fear conflict, yet love causing trouble. It's something I think a lot of men don't understand about women, and will continually ask these same questions and question their own sanity. No, it isn't you. It's definitely the women you're choosing to message. Not ALL of us are like this, but the majority of women I've met tend to be.

Both girls that you give details about don't even sound worth it.

1. Girl number one says "I have a boyfriend." That tells me that if she did have a bf she was thinking about cheating, then changed her mind at the last minute. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone like that. Secondly, so called PUAs would say that you must have done something to turn her off so she brought up the idea that she has a boyfriend.

2. Girl number two was either leading you on, or was just incredibly flakey. The second she cancelled because of whatever reason was the moment that you should just stop communicating with her and make her contact you to reschedule. At that point, you can decide whether you want to take her up on the offer or not.

My rule of thumb when I am courting someone I met IRL is to only use phone and text to ask them out and to keep conversations to five minutes or less and see how they are doing (showing genuine interest in them). they don't need more than that as we can have longer than five minute conversations in person (as it give them something to look forward to). As for the online, you will have to figure it out. A lot of talking happens before meeting them, so you would likely have to figure out how to keep talking to a minimum before meeting face to face.

The only thing I can think to suggest would be making the plans at the same time as you ask them out and making them for fairly soon. Like, rather than "Let's go out sometime" "OK" and then 3 days later trying to say "OK...so...Pizza Hut Friday?" and waiting for a reply, set the place and time at the same time they're agreeing to go out. However, I think it's quite likely as Phemto said that they're just not fair or brave enough to say in person a the time "No". A lot of girls actually have the mistaken idea that a direct "no" is mean and a "Mmm I'm busy" is somehow easier to take, but as a girl, I'd rather have a direct "no" any day. I'm like Kinme - I have to deal with this crap from other girls (in non-romantic situations) or here them telling me about what they said or did to such-and-such guy rather than just saying "no"...and it's really crappy. Don't think it's you, don't take it personal, these girls are just mean. Too bad they don't wear a sign saying so, cause if they did, you could avoid ever starting down that road with them.

After almost losing my mind trying to understand why, all I can tell you is 'welcome to online dating!'. You will find that the majority of women on those sites (especially the free sites) are incredibly ambivalent about being in a relationship. For example, my very first contact on EHarmony suddenly stopped texting with me out of the blue. I spend days hyper-analyzing what I did wrong and only now understand years later she had no intention of EVER meeting up.Of course to an Aspie and a male this is downright bizarre but it is a fact of life.

I also had one contact me, flake when I asked to meet up and offered a time and place, contact me again a week later and then flake again a few days later when she said she was at the local mall and I said "great, I can be there in 20 minutes! Where can I find you?"

This was my experience as well. The bottom line is don't let your likely naive nature fool you: assume that someone is flaky and unreliable until they prove otherwise. Sad way to live but the only way you can hold on to your sanity. There is nothing worse than having a great first date where everything went perfect only to get excuse after excuse when you look for date #2.

I developed a rule to ask to meet up after 4-6 messages. If they hesitated, I instantly broke off contact. I wasted way too much time with time wasters and there are plenty of them (of both sexes) online. Even though I found success online it is a poor way to meet a partner and keep your sanity intact, Aspie or otherwise. In short, there is usually a reason they are single and it usually has to do with how they cannot keep a commitment.

I went on 15-20 real life dates and had just as many flake before meeting before I found my Fiancee. Looking back, all I can say is 'thank you' to the ones that showed their true colours: just think how miserable you would be with someone who can't keep a commitment of any kind?

Or she did have the intention of meeting up, but that intention may change with all these options (men) she finds on the dating sites.

^^ This, I have witnessed this first hand among female friends.


One common excuse the women use for that, is that they claim that some men don't accept rejection and would react violently against it.

It makes little sense, because a psycho/violent man would react violently to being ignored or stood up anyway.

And this is obviously related to roughly 85% of people in general being morons(men and women).

<Several good observations, leading up to....>

Thank you so much for the insights from the "other side." They're definitely needed here, although they unfortunately mesh pretty well with our own rather negative conclusions. I agree that these are broad generalizations and there are exceptions out there if you can find them. From your perspective, maybe you've had better luck figuring out warning signs to look for. I agree that women aren't all like that, but is there any way to figure out which ones ahead of time?

Even today, guys tend to be at a disadvantage because we're still expected to initiate at multiple stages, which means we're acting on less data. On the other hand, it means we're in a position to ask the right questions, if those could be found. Someone with more resources/incite that me might be able to come up with some innocuous questions that could be used to feel out the trouble-makers.

On the other hand many aspie men are not in a position to be choosy at all.