Does this female Aspie have a crush on me, or just friends?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm a male NT (share AS traits though), and I want to find out if one of my friends who is a female Aspie has a crush on me. I'll list some of the signals - see what you think! I don't feel that way about her, am in a long term committed relationship, and so want to find out if she likes me as a friend (she's a good friend) or more, so I can understand the best way forward to make sure she doesn't get hurt. So, we share some special interests, we get on very well. She tells me a lot about her life and family, and I try and give her advice and really listen to her - which I'm not sure many people do. I haven't seen her talk as openly with others about deeper topics. She also finds opportunities to tell me things I think she finds special, and even things about couples she likes or romantic films, and she seems to have a different more open and deeper demeanor when she does this - again she doesn't do this as much with others - but then again I don't know her older friends as I haven't known her for an extended period of time. It seems like she makes a real effort to listen when I talk too. Then there's the eye contact, she seems nervous but holds my gaze for quite a while sometimes. And sometimes if she doesn't think I'm aware she'll stare at me continuously without moving. I don't think she's just staring into space as she'll turn away from the group and look directly at me if I'm on my fone or something. So, what do you think? And could you please list as many other signs as you know? There will be lots I haven't picked up on. Thanks

Yes... she has a crush on you. Men and women are almost never friends. Especially sharing feelings and problems and taking advice.

Thanks for your reply. Could you please be more specific about your answer? If men and women can never be friends, well I guess I better say goodbye to all my female friend lol! Looking for some advice in relation to this specific case based on an how an aspie treats a crush. Thanks

there's not enough info to figure out whether or not she wants to be more than friends. i am married and i have guy friends and always have had guy friends. it is quite possible to be friends with members of the opposite sex.

I agree with cathylynn, not enough info to tell. And girls can have guy friends, I believe possibly aspie girls are more likely to have guy friends than NT girls. Though I don't have data to back that up.

I also felt like I could give a better answer with more information about you and this girl. Starting with age and in what context you know each other.

It's possible. She could like you "that way'"

If a woman did the things you described, I might think she likes me.

I might be wrong, though--and I've been wrong.

Thanks guys! well i'm more than happy to give more info. She's 21, and i'm a little older. Met through work a year and a half ago. She's talked to me a lot about dating, she hasn't had anything serious before. Hmm what else do you want to know? I analyse people a lot so ANY questions please ask away! Anything from eye contact through to conversation nuances. I can remember almost every interaction with everyone in the past few years.

You're overthinking this. Seriously, you are.

Make sure you talk about how serious and committed you feel about your other, primary relationship.

Not all crushes end up with hurt feelings. I've certainly had crushes that I felt elevated me, but never resulted in either a relationship, or hurt feelings. I wouldn't ASK her if that's how she feels about you, because that really could embarrass her. Be a perfect gentleman and a perfect friend, and that's really all you are obliged to do.

Psychology is a pseudo-science. It is often based on what humans are observed doing and what most humans do.

Also many of these opinions that people have given you on this thread are half-baked at best. They couldn't possibly tell you if this person is sexually attracted to you or not based on what you said.

The only valid option is to ask, or find a clever find to find out (for sure rather than psychological nonsense).

How could you possibly know that?

She could also feel safe to share with you since you are in a committed relationship so you are not going to hit on her.

^This.




OP, it's hard to say really, but just going by what you've said here and imagining myself in her shoes I think you are probably misreading her. I think she sees you as a friend and she feels comfortable talking with you because she feels she can trust you. If you start making presumptions that there is anything "more" going on, it may destroy the friendship.

NTs naturally tend to read meaning into things that we don't intend to be there. You put more emphasis on these little signs and signals and gestures than we do. Something that might have a special meaning when you do it, doesn't have the same meaning when we do it. It may not have any particular meaning at all.

If it were me...staring, seeming nervous, holding your gaze, making an effort to listen, would NOT be signs that I have a crush on you. They would be signs that I'm struggling with the basic logistics of interacting with you and wanting to do my very best. I have auditory processing difficulties and my mind wanders in the middle of a conversation, so I have to make a real effort to listen and process what a person is saying. I don't have a natural sense of when to look at someone or when to look away. Sometimes I hold someone's gaze just because I want them to know that I'm really trying hard to listen. Sometimes I watch people when they're not looking at me, so I can get a better sense of what kind of mood they are in, because it's just too intense to look at someone when they are talking to me.

I feel really upset reading your post, because I can totally picture myself in her shoes and would have no idea that you were analyzing my behavior that much and reading things into it that I'm not intending. I would only know if things blew up because of a misunderstanding or I might gradually catch on if the guy started acting weird. It's just horrifying to find out that your behavior has been misinterpreted when you thought you were just doing your best to act natural, listen well, be kind to someone, be a good friend.

You are really overthinking this and putting so much weight on the little things she does...to me it sounds more like you have a crush on her...but in any case putting this much emphasis on "signs" and "signals" is really a recipe for disaster.

He's asking for opinions...I am old and experienced, and the father of two daughters... and so I gave my opinion. They are young, in the prime of sexual feelings. If you spend a lot of private time sharing how you feel, and about problems in your relationships... that is exactly what happens in a psychiatrists office. And what happens in a psychiatrists office always (if there is to be any therapy)... transference. And what is transference? A serious crush.

But one more question for CaptainLevi... have you told your long time committed relationship about this "friend" that might have a crush on you (but you just can't tell)?

Yes this. Basically a tarot card reading. Who knows what she actually thinks, ask her if you think it's that important, which if I were already in a relationship I wouldn't think it too terribly important to know if a female friend actually had a crush on me.

I also stare at people I really really like in the exact same way. (And act nervous.) So it is possible. I also tend to get crushes on most of the people I'm friends with... and I know I can never have them as more than friends, but I still stare and enjoy them. Maybe you could ask her if that happens to her in general. I wouldn't really worry about it... I mean I'm sure she knows there's nothing that can be done since you're in a relationship. Talking about it might just make things awkward. It's hard to know since I'm not there and everyone is different, this is just my personal experience & opinion. It's cool that she has you to talk to; it's a big thing for Aspies to open up so much with someone.

Okay. I thought you were stating something rather than showing your opinion. "Yes... she has a crush on you." sounds very definitive.