My girlfriend has Aspergers - some advice and help?

Post Reply New Topic

I have been with this girl for a few months now and from the very beginning I figured out that there was "something odd" about her. After a short period of dating she then told me she had Aspergers (diagnosed and all). I love her very much and to be honest I consider her Apergers a blessing most of the time. After living together with her for a bit now though I did encounter a certain number of difficulties and as I am not sure if they are all related to her Aspergers and if yes how to properly deal with them I wanted to ask for your advice.

One of the things that do really lead to fights is that I feel she relies 100% on what someone says. If for example I answer a question like "Would you like to go to the movies in nine days" with a half hearted "yes" without even thinking about it and while being busy with something else, she would take this as a sure guarantee of me going with her. If it turns out I will be asked to take a shift at work that day or a friend invited me to his birthday party and I forgot about it the moment she asked, she expects me to cancel everything and "stick to the plan" because "that is what you said". If I will not do so, she will get very upset (involving arguing and to varying degrees also yelling, stomping, sometimes things like banging doors or throwing things at other things, but never physical violence). The same happens if I have certain plans I forgot to inform her about, for example an evening that she expected me to be at home I actually spend somewhere else (and she will only find out last minute because I forgot to tell her).
She will say things like "I did not prepare for this, this will destroy my evening".
It is not that she is jealous or wants to restrict me from going out and meeting my friends. But it has to be "scheduled". She also wants a set number of evenings every week that I should spend a few hours with her, starting at the same time.
I understand that a part of this must be because of her Aspergers, but I am unsure how to act. I am just your random NT guy who does everything spontaneously and figures stuff out just somehow. This is really stressing me, because it makes me feel so restricted. How much of a compromise can I expect? How should I act and react? Why does she do this?


She also suffers from anxiety and OCD. It is very hard for her to structure her daily life, she is very forgetful, disorganized and chaotic, yet sticks to certain routines and rules throughout the day that would seem silly for the average NT person and take away a lot of time. There are things she should be doing that she is avoiding deliberately (?) by focusing on her routines and special interests. She has her "fantasy world" that she retreats back into, consisting of books, stories and computer games. She even writes her own stories (which she refuses to show to anyone, but she told me she wrote several hundred pages).
It is frustrating for me to see how she does not manage to fill in one little form for the health insurance over the course of several weeks while spending two hours a day by average sorting candy by colors or playing minesweeper on her phone.
I tried to interrupt these things to make her do what is important first, but she blows up on me if I interrupt. I tried making fun of the things that seemed "useless" activities to me which just led to her getting self conscious and sad and doing these things secretly when she thinks I do not notice.
I worry, because she needs to finish her studies and find a job to be able to make a living. If I want to talk about it with her, she only says that as soon as she finishes things will change, and that she doesn't like change.
She could be a great student, she is intellectually gifted with an IQ way above average and if interested in something she is very hard working too. I just wish I could help her making use of these traits instead of wasting her potential playing computer games and hiding at home.


The third thing that seems really scary to me is how she acts towards stranger males. She is a very pretty girl with a really good sense for aesthetics and style and men do appreciate. She likes to to clubs with super loud electronic music ("because the noise and light drown everything" she says) and according to her she goes there to just dance for hours, all through the night until the morning. In the beginning of the relationship I got very upset when she would write me she would go with a man she just met at the club to have breakfast or that a guy she met at one of these parties would invite her and text her all the time. She keeps saying they were "just nice" and that these guys would always assure her they would have no sexual intentions, als according to herself she always immediately tells them she is taken.
By now I came to realize that she does really not have any intentions of cheating but is actually just being really naive. I am scared something might happen to her and a person might take advantage of her one day.
She thinks I am just jealous and does not believe my arguments are reasonable.
What is your estimation of the situation, especially as she is very bad at reading body language and such. Am I freaking out too much about possible danger?


Any advice and help would be much appreciated.

all these problems sound related to AS. as far as her needing few surprises, would it really be that hard for you to be more of a planner? the other two are more important. try telling her you will schedule extra time with her if she schedules time for important life tasks. as far as the last, tell her you love her and it's okay if she dances with other guys, but going places with them alone is dangerous and makes you worry. tell her you are trying to be more of a planner for her emotional comfort, so could she try being more cautious for yours. in your own words, of course.

I laughed out loud reading your first paragraph because it describes me to a T. It also identified a similar problem that my husband and I had.

The schedule thing is a *big deal* to me, and it sounds like a big deal to your girlfriend. Let me explain how it is for me, and perhaps your girlfriend is similar.

First of all, I fill in all the gaps in my head. Whenever I plan something, I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking about it and prepping for it. If it is something I am anxious about, this involves thinking how I might react to various situations that might arise. I think about normal logistics - when am I going to leave, what is the best time to get there, what door am I going to go in and ON AND ON. If I am excited about something, I will think longer than most about what I'm going to wear. What movie will I see? What food do I want to order at a restaurant. I could think about these things for DAYS. Getting ready to do something is not just walking out the door. If I am planning a night at home with nothing scheduled, I will fill in the schedule for myself (and my family.) I might decide to make a more complicated, special dinner. I might have some movie I want to suggest watching while cuddling on the couch. I might have a particular topic I want to discuss. Since I am married with children, I might be anticipating having my husband spend time with the kids so I can have some alone time.

When the schedule changes at the last minute, all the plans are bombed. Now, it's not just the actual plans. In a lot of ways, it doesn't *really* matter if I don't get to make that particular dinner or go out to see that movie on *that* night. But, I have problems with executive function in the area of emotional control. All that anticipation was building up and then bombing my plans brings about a *great deal* of disappointment. I've had friends cancel on me at the very last minute, and as a woman in my late 30s I had to fight back tears in public over it. Changing the plans is bombing an imaginary world that has been set up in my mind.

Now, my husband is a bit more like you. He is OK with changing plans. This was actually something that first attracted me to him because he taught me that spontaneity can be fun. I marveled at his ease with it, and I have learned a *lot* from him. (If anyone thinks I am up tight NOW, they should have met me 20 years ago!)

But, our approaches to scheduling have definitely been something we've had to work through. I don't get mad anymore about small changes, though I still will express disappointment. He will still occasionally ask if I am mad about him going out to do something he has to do at the last minute. No, I'm not...but I don't necessarily *like* it. It's OK.

But there have a been a few times where the plan was a PLAN. I mean major life-directional, where-are-we-heading-as-a-couple plans...ones that I wasn't just dreaming up a world for an evening, but I was dreaming up a whole life. And there were times where in one moment my husband blew the whole thing. I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW BAD THAT IS. I stuck around, but damage was done. And it really can't be undone, though it can be worked through. For example, the reason I wanted to buy our current house was part of a particular "plan" that is no more.

These particular changes I am talking about were not due to unsurmountable outside circumstances that affected *our* decisions (IMO). Instead, they were a "No" from him, and they were things that required both of us to be on board. I am not saying that he had invalid reasons - I just thought that was some more consideration we could have made them work. But, I couldn't go ahead with the plan on my own. So, his deciding it's a no-go meant a no-go for me, no matter how I badly I wanted it. CRUSHED.

Obviously, a relationship *can* survive things like this. We are still married after 18 years. But, it would have been a lot smoother going at points if we had a knowledge about all this stuff earlier. I have figured out "how I am" along the way, and we have figured out together how to communicate better. And he has figured out that plans are a *BIG DEAL.*

She sounds pretty much like me, except the last part - I can't stand loud music so I avoid clubs like a plague.

What advice can I give? It is tough. It pisses even myself off when I meltdown for "silly reasons" like someone forgetting about the plan we made. But how can I help it if I get angry (for myself not predicting such change would happen) and anxious all of sudden and can't imagine what is going to happen next? All of a sudden my mind goes on high analyzing mode to find out how to fix the "broken" situation and what caused it. It's overwhelming. Everything was planned to the T and then all of sudden I get left with NOTHING and have to prepare something new in a very short time. It feels like being thrown out of a cliff. Ground under feet suddenly disappears and whole body and mind tries desperately to find something to hold to.

However it is quite easy for you to prevent at least some of the outburst simply by saying "I don't know yet.", "We will see." or "Probably yes, but remind me about it the day before so I can say for sure". Only say "Yes." when you really mean it. That's it.
It will make her expecting that the plan might not work out and she will keep alternative plan in her mind for that case so her mind wont get into thought race when you say you can't go after all.

Also make sure you inform her about plans at least a few hours before unless it is something not likely to change her plans or daily routine. "Just so you know I am meeting with friends in the evening". Make sure she has some time to alternate her plan in advance. If you tell her in the very last moment her thoughts go on overwhelming race and she feels lost.

About her not doing her responsibilities - whatever you do DON'T interrupt her "useless" activities. It is extremely distressing. I could compare it to you watching a football match of your favorite team(I'm not sure if you are into football but that's stereotypical example) and her turning off a TV and telling you take out the garbage on this very moment. Feel the anger and unfairness of the situation?

If you want her to do something - write it down with current date and put the piece of paper in a spot she often looks at - for example the border of computer screen (not in the middle of computer screen because she will just take it off and put it somewhere she can't see). She will do it between one activity and another and if she doesn't you are free to tell her she didn't do it so she must do it now when she will be preparing to go to sleep.

did we help?

"One of the things that do really lead to fights is that I feel she relies 100% on what someone says." Well then I guess you better say what you mean! While her ultimate reaction is a bit extreme, here the problem is your behavior, not hers. You know how she is going to take it, so don't say yes unless you mean it. Be precise with your language, give yourself some time to think. If she gets upset over not getting a immediate answer, than that's her problem. You say it's stressing you to have to make plans and not be spontaneous, but think how much more it's stressing her to have her plans ruined. That isn't to say you can't be spontaneous sometimes, I personally find being spontaneous fun once I give myself a few seconds to react to the news (my initial reaction is almost always no if not given any time to think, but if I given time to think it's usually yes as long as there legitimately isn't something else I need to do), but make sure you aren't interfering with any of her plans or don't get offended if it is.

With the second part, yes, this is a problem (it has to do with executive functioning, an often overlooked aspect of autism, she isn't avoiding things deliberately persay, she's just finding it hard to actually getting around to doing it and the other things like minesweeper are filling in the gap), but do NOT interrupt her unless you absolutely have to. It's extremely stressful to have our task suddenly get changed because we are mentally engaged in what we are doing and it "hurts" to shift gears. This goes back to you being spontaneous and her being unable to be. Interrupting her is just going to cause unnecessary conflict. Rather, you should help her schedule a time to get stuff done ahead of time. As it's something she doesn't like it's not going to be easy to get it into routine at first, and you may interrupt her if something was already scheduled and she is flowing into scheduled time until she gets adjusted. You should put some gap time between activities rather than putting them back to back to avoid having to interrupt her. Learning to schedule like this is adjustments both of you have to make if you want this to work out.

"I just wish I could help her making use of these traits instead of wasting her potential playing computer games and hiding at home. " You can't force someone to do something they don't want and don't need to do. That being said, often I want to do something, but can't get around to doing it and instead to dumb filler activity, so she may actually appreciate getting scheduled and motivated.

For the last thing, yeah, social naivety for autistic people, and it's especially a security problem for autistic girls, many do get sexually assaulted as a result. You need to voice your concerns about her safety with her and find steps to take to improve her safety and come to an appropriate compromise. I suggest finding someone you trust who also enjoys dances to accompany her and keep guard. (And if you don't know anyone who fits, go meet someone. Easier for you to do than her, and you're the better judge of character.)