looking for some advice/someone to talk to

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Hello, Wrong Planet.

I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I'll just go ahead anyway. I'd like to start by saying that I am diagnosed with what my therapist describes as "very high functioning Asperger's Syndrome" and I suffer from anxiety, depression and self-loathing.

There is a girl that I really like. For the purposes of this post, we'll call her "Jane". I really like Jane. She is smart, funny and beautiful, and not long after meeting her, I had developed a very powerful crush. I had received hints from her friends that she liked me back, but due a combination of fear of rejection and self-loathing led to hesitation on my part (even this account is a product of my cowardice), and we stopped speaking. Eventually, Jane moved away, and I am convinced that I may never see her again. I believe that I love her, even if only in my cold, unconventional, Aspergian way, despite my insistence that she could never love someone like me.

My problem is that I simply cannot get over her. I think about her almost every day and I dream about her almost every night. This has consumed me in that merely the notion of romantic prospect with another causes a feeling that I find rather difficult to describe, but if I had to describe it, it would be a deep feeling of nausea, guilt and regret, to the point that I feel almost angry that others can have happiness, that others get to be with their "Jane" so to speak.

This feeling has had other adverse effects too, to the point where any hint that another is interested in me, or even the thought of sex, is immediately followed by the deep, nauseous feeling that I have described earlier in my post. I suppose that what I want is for someone to tell me that this will be alright, that I will get over her eventually and somehow find happiness with another at some point in my life.

Has anyone on this forum experienced anything similar? I am simply too afraid to talk about this in real life because I feel that I would be reviled by even my closest friends.

Yes. Our circumstances aren't entirely the same, but I'm experiencing something similar. The person I'm in love with hasn't moved away and I don't hold quite the same level of resentment at other couplings as you do, but I am consumed by my thoughts of them which has led to self-loathing and a very toxic headspace.

I've had to break off contact for the sake of my wellbeing. Something that makes me feel as though I'm being an awful friend in not being able to re-define the terms in which I see them and get over myself. Being around the person I love is like a drug. I savour their company and when I don't see them when I next do so dominates my thoughts.

But it's become a bitter, warped kind of 'love', mirred by frustration and longing. Pollution of the mind, more or less.

How old are you? How many other people have you dated / had your heart broken by?

(If the answer's are, like, under 20 and none-to-two, it's probably a perspective thing. Time'll fix it).

I can relate all too well. Before I met my Fiancee, I met a woman I thought was my soulmate. We were the same age, had similar interests, got along with her friends and she was physically everything I dreamed of. She seemed distant but I didn't worry too much about it. Even though she broke it off, I was still utterly obsessed with her and convinced she would see the error of her ways. The best thing I could do was to keep busy with new groups, new activities and new interests. Eventually I met her ex-boyfriend (and became quick friends with him) and I realized while we had similar personalities, it was NEVER meant to be. I look back now and shake my head: it was obvious she wasn't that into men in general and she would have been a terrible fit for me: other than being great with young children she didn't have a 'relationship' mindset.

I used to have a crippling fear of rejection and I eventually just said "f-it" and stopped worrying after countless rejections. The last girl I dated literally walked out on me in the middle of a conversation and I wasn't the least bit upset: in fact I said "good riddance" just after she left rather than my usual obsess about how crappy I am or what was wrong with me. I would suggest just swallowing the worry and just asking women out: if you get rejected (and you probably will more than once), you will eventually see it's no big deal. My biggest regret is not asking "Jennifer" out when I was 21: I would have been in much better shape not matter if she accepted OR rejected me.

So to answer your problem, yes things will be alright, yes you will find happiness with another and it will probably happen when you least suspect it. Still, you need to get off your butt and stop worrying about what other think: it they hate or rejection you for being Aspie or anxious, that is THEIR problem.