Who's more qualified to initiate?

Page 1 of 1 [ 10 posts ] 

RushKing
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Oct 2010
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,340
Location: Minnesota, United States

24 Oct 2015, 9:47 pm

Who's more qualified to initiate? Isn't it unreasonable to expect handicapped people to use stairways? Why am I expected to initiate everything? Lets put things into perspective. Your nuerotypical, you know all rules, you know how to make friends, you have friends. You are more qualified to initiate! I may be a tall brown and physically attractive male, but these characteristics do not turn me into a bubbly smooth talking extroverted nuerotypical. I'm not a pursuer. The thought of hunting and perusing makes me queasy. Come over here and talk to me!



yellowtamarin
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Sep 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,763
Location: Australia

24 Oct 2015, 11:28 pm

Sounds like you only want bubbly, smooth-talking, extroverted neurotypicals to pursue you? Most of those people are probably busy with others with similar characteristics.



The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,785

25 Oct 2015, 6:06 am

I'm sorry, but this is a really dumb thing to say. First, you compare Aspies initiating relationships to disabled people using stairways. Yes, obviously it's unreasonable to expect a person who's in a wheelchair to use stairways, but that's what ramps are for. Handicapped people can use ramps instead to get where they need to go, but they're still responsible for making their own way to reach their destination. If you don't like the idea of initiating conversations with women, a more correct correlation wouldn't be to make the woman do all the work. Instead, I would say that things like speed dating, matchmaking services, or even online dating are more equivalent.

I haven't even touched on the fact that neurotypical women have a wide range of neurotypical men to choose from, who are willing to initiate the relationship. Why would they want to be with a "handicapped" person instead when they can assume their traditional dating role with a man who's willing to approach them? Having Autism isn't an excuse to take no responsibility for yourself. If you're going to put neurotypicals on a pedestal and claim that you're disabled compared to them, guess what. That means they're more inclined to be interested in each other than someone who can't or won't take responsibility for their own dating life like yourself. Dude, get over yourself and stop feeling so entitled.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 64
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

25 Oct 2015, 11:39 am

Just like handicapped people can use ramps, ND males can use more appropriate methods of getting into relationships than NT-based dating. So your reasoning is kind of wrong as you expect NTs to adapt to your way of functioning, which won't happen. The way you solve this is to get to know your natural way of getting into relationships, and selecting suitable partners that works like you do.



izzeme
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Apr 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,665

26 Oct 2015, 5:07 am

Both.
To use your (not too applicable) example: We can expect NTs to place a ramp, perhaps give our chairs a little push, but we cannot expect them to carry/push us the entire way, and asking for a new elevator in an existing building is pushing the limit as well.

Any situation where different ability levels (of any kind) interact, the ideal situation is one where all (both) parties make consessions and meet halfway.



Outrider
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2014
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,007
Location: Australia

26 Oct 2015, 6:12 am

izzeme wrote:
Both.
To use your (not too applicable) example: We can expect NTs to place a ramp, perhaps give our chairs a little push, but we cannot expect them to carry/push us the entire way, and asking for a new elevator in an existing building is pushing the limit as well.

Any situation where different ability levels (of any kind) interact, the ideal situation is one where all (both) parties make consessions and meet halfway.


On paper this is true, in the real world I humbly believe not. Instead the majority of people must live by socieities own terms.



Sweetleaf
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado

26 Oct 2015, 12:23 pm

I cannot approach anyone I do not know and initiate interaction with them...unless its like at a store and I have to ask an employee behind a counter something so in that kind of context I can but not in social settings. So went the online route, to get around that obstacle so you could always give that a go...but its got its own downsides to.


_________________
Tis the time to melt the Ice.


GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

26 Oct 2015, 1:32 pm

Well, the sad reality is that in my experience, the majority of women who are going to initiate either have a personality disorder (dating sites are full of them) or are looking to take advantage of you or worst of all, a combination of the two. I didn't like it when I was dating but had to accept that while a women will initiate a mundane conversation with you if they are interested they are almost never going to initiate intimacy of any kind because they are conditioned their whole lives to not be seen as 'easy'. This is why so many Aspies I know (myself included) end up in abusive, manipulative relationships.



MissBearpolar
Raven
Raven

Joined: 24 Oct 2015
Age: 46
Posts: 107

26 Oct 2015, 3:05 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:
Well, the sad reality is that in my experience, the majority of women who are going to initiate either have a personality disorder (dating sites are full of them) or are looking to take advantage of you or worst of all, a combination of the two. I didn't like it when I was dating but had to accept that while a women will initiate a mundane conversation with you if they are interested they are almost never going to initiate intimacy of any kind because they are conditioned their whole lives to not be seen as 'easy'. This is why so many Aspies I know (myself included) end up in abusive, manipulative relationships.


There are plenty of girls who initiated intimacy (myself included), so the possibility that girls haven't initiated intimacy with YOU is one you ought to consider.

There are also guys who like when girls initiate contact and examples on this site of happy relationships that have resulted. Even online. Not all women who on online dating sites have personality disorders - it could be you that has a seriously busted picker.

You have to keep your wits about you when online dating - but also when picking up strangers in bars. The risks of getting taken advantage of IS higher than meeting someBody thru school/work/friends since you've no way to know if they are who they say they are. This risk can be mitigated by meeting in public places, not disclosing too much personal info, etc. til you know them a bit better.



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

26 Oct 2015, 4:08 pm

I would certainly not doubt my 'picker' was broken but I never said that girls on dating sites all have personality disorders: just that PD women (and men) are a much higher % than the general population. As I said, I can only go on the experience of myself and those close to me. I wish this wasn't the case but that was what I went through over and over again as a shy male.