Running in terror from the net.

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So, I'm on a couple of internet 'dating' sites. The Aspie Affection (which seems completely safe, as on one in their right mind would contact me) but also the OkCupid one - thinking that something cool could come of compiling the quizes. While on the latter, someone tried to contact me - now, there is approximately no information on me that could lead anyone (or thing) to be the least interested in me there. This just scared the pcheeps out of me.

I'm not even sure why. Part of it is that I don't like chat at all. I don't think that I could manage it with someone that I hadn't interacted with on some other level. I get a similar response though when someone approaches me at a bar - I just want to hide, unless I'm pretty sotted. Given that there was no information up which would make me seem even remotely reasonable (except age and location), I just don't see it. What possible connection could anyone find from what is there?

I'm fairly convinced that the only way that someone COULD get interested in the real me is through exposure. Especially where there is not a lot of pressure (such as in a conversation with others around). It's more or less the only way that I meet anyone - either as a friend or for romantic interests. Those who approach me for my appearence or my dancing aren't able to see any of the truly weird things about me - which can be good or bad, but cannot be ignored.

But, given my reaction - both in real life, and on the net - it seems as though it's not merely a matter of aspie traits which are holding me back, but rather a moralistic view of whether or not someone has the RIGHT to be interested; this applies both directly to my interests, as well as to anyone else having one for me. I really wonder how many of y'all have this kind of feeling: that anyone should not approach another without some reasonable hint that there is some compatability, within the boundaries of the circumstances.

That last phrase is important, for if I meet people at a gaming convention, I immediately raise the bar higher than I would in some random encounter. This is all silly too, as I know that people can learn to share interests. Anyhow, if anyone else has experienced this feeling, and has ideas of how to trick oneself (short of large infusions of liquid courage) out of these 'morals' might help someone else, even if I am too hopeless a case.

If you give anyone any clue that you might be intelligent, have kindness in your heart, and be fun to be with, that's good enough. The vast majority of people on this forum have the habit of selling their attractions short, myself included. This is even when I know very well that I am charismatic and attractive and am liked by an amazing variety of people.

It's all right. Some humans have that sense that you're all right when they first meet you. I think that you may be running across more and more people who are good for friendship and dating. If that's not what you want to do, it's all right.

I know that I have a lot of attractions. It's not that. I'm not selling myself short here. I also KNOW, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I can be so very much for someone. I tend to fall deeply in love fairly easily. Even if someone COULD somehow sense that, without getting to know me first, and even if I could with them, what bloody right do either of us have to intrude upon the other's existence?

And if I take to that some sort of logical argument, that we are both just seeking some connection with a like mind, and how else to find it but by being open to communications, I still am left with some sort of feeling that it is simply morally wrong. I know that it takes me a few minutes to tell if someone is anything like reasonable - and those minutes are usually the ones where my fear reaction sets in. Plus, there are so very few who would even make a reasonable match. My tastes have been left behind in this era of electronics; there were always so few of us anyhow.

Maybe she liked what she saw of your quiz scores.

Maybe. There have been a few apparently, I just didn't notice. I've put up pics and a profile. That should scare them away.

The next paragraph says why you think you don't have the right. The right that you do have, the affirmative right, is missing from your perceptions. Don't let the guru-speak bug you, sometimes it's the only way to say it. The affirmative rights that you have include the right to take a risk, the right to offer any stranger a genuine chance at friendship and love, and your right to a life.



It can be a good thing that some of us have to use words before we can even see each other. I know that I can pull in other people way too easily and create situations where there is little to no middle ground between love and hate. Either one seems morally wrong. Then we have the problem that the morality that we have been taught is mostly wrong, and is wrong in its basic idea, that something can be and usually is wrong with genuine love or sexual attraction. That's morality in the negative and at least hypothetically morality is supposed to be a positive thing. We think that morality is supposed to codify the principles of love and caring and if we use it that way it does.

Yes, I still feel that it is "immoral" for me to let someone fall in love with me and this feeling makes me mad. Why can't I just admit to myself that I'm just using morality as an excuse? I have my own agendas. I'm self-absorbed. People come to me, need something, and I shove them away. I have a hard time letting them get so close and no closer.

Calandale, it is likely that you are the only one who thinks that your appearance and your manners are all that off-putting. If you do tend to fall in love or into infatuation too easily and pull someone in with you, yes, if you have a way to slow down the process and keep things saner and that's what you want, you're right to live it that way. I've had this problem and we're not the only ones.

You're going to make mistakes in relationships. This is normal. Don't let others have veto power over any relationships that you may have, but keep your eyes open.

It's not just me that doesn't have these rights. I often want to destroy others for excersizing them, even when I am entirely uninvolved. And no, I don't think that I have a right (or obligation) to live.



This has nothing to do with love. It has to do with bother. I feel that a person has the right to be unbothered. This includes me. When someone approaches me, I feel that they are violating my fundemental right to be isolated. AND, unless there are tremendous extenuating circumstances, anyone taking such a liberty scares the crap out of me. What other morality do they lack? Do they perhaps not hate the rest of the pesky living things that surround us? It leads me to think that they are so far detached from my own framework, that nothing is indeed possible - as well as making me uncomfortable.



'Tis not my appearance, I assure you. I draw people with that. It's the fact that I either run away from anyone that approaches me, or more likely, do so in a less physical way.



Only made one real error in choosing a LTR - and I knew that I was making it. Probably would do the same again. Other errors have been those of omission - not sure entirely where I stand in the others eyes. Wish I could take more risks there, but I think that I might be able to work on that, especially now that I am alone, and don't have to worry about what my wife thinks as well as whomever I am interested in.

I have found that I am very disturbed by dating websites. I am not on Aspie Affection, but that's because I'm not an aspie. If ever there is some sort of response I find myself wondering why they would bother, when odds are that we wouldn't be compatible in the first place. I have started putting that I like D&D on my profile, that way, if anyone still wants to talk to me chances are we can have something nice. At the very least I may find someone to join my weekly game...

Cute. I did similar by putting my wargaming in there. But, I'm not absolutely committed to the idea of someone having to have been a gamer - as I've trained a couple of my exs to be so. Plus, I don't think that I'd be likely to find a female gamer who met my criterion - it would be a pretty rare beast.

What's a date? <grin>