Flirting tip - You gotta be subtle.

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In this post I'm talking mostly to males, partly because I am one and can relate better, and partly because males are less adept at flirting than females. This is something I've learned partly from experience and partly from talking to people. If you see a cute girl at a cafe or something, one of the worst things you can do is walk up to her and say "I find you attractive. Would you like to get to know each other?" You can't make it blatantly obvious that you're attracted to her. Let her figure it out for herself. Because she will. Women have instincts that tell them when a guy is interested in them. So just drop subtle hints with your speech and your body language. I know it's hard to do, especially for aspies, but with practice you can master the art of nonverbal communication.

Perfectly fine at doing this and it never worked.

First time I flirted so hard but because she was a fellow aspie, it too until the second date for her to figure it out, even though I had been flirting with her at school and on the first date.

She only started to figure out when I was making it more obvious, "I just think...when two people...go out together...on a date...or a hangout, the one who does the asking should do the paying!!" as part of our playful banter on who should pay and hugging her at the end...

The second girl, I'm not sure, she said she thought I was very 'confident', and I inititaed light touching, frequently tried to get her attention, boasted a little, teased her playfully over things (e.g. if she had pictures of male celebrities on her computer, odd photos of herself on her phone, etc.). She had a crush on me back, so maybe she was just too overcome with 'Does he like me? Or is he just being friendly?'. She did say at many times she was too shy to even speak to me except for class related things.

The third, I played it cool like I do, she turned out to be my girlfriend for a brief 11 days, and then for another 5 after we got back together.

The next girl, did my flirting game, somehow got friendzoned still...

And the fourth, no flirting, just fricken honesty, just said I was interested and got a date, we were very compatible and decided to try a relationship. 1 month and 1 week later she dumps me.

So, Crypotnerd, you may be suggesting here to be 'subtle' but not actually telling the males here HOW they may do that.

It's kind of like the vague advice 'Just be confident!' as if an ability/skill that takes years of learning and dedication can simply be activated like a switch.

So, without further ado, my tips on how to flirt:

- When speaking to her, it's best to make as much eye contact as possible, but do not stare. If you have trouble with this, try to look in-between her eyes at her nose.

- Try to create a cutesy, playful, almost childish laugh. Use this laugh whenever you find a woman's behavior 'cute'. I have my own little giggle when I find them being adorable.

Example situation:

- A girl I liked, a very talented writer, I asked for help/feedback on my school writing assignment. I looked into her eyes longingly while she read it. Finding every reaction she made to it adorable, I playfully giggled at every reaction she made. Our teacher actually joked I was flirting with her after...

- Try to be a bit boastful, but not arrogant or over-confident. The key is to show her your strengths, but not be afraid to get a bit cocky about it.

Somehow, with the second girl I liked, I turned the conversation about our arms, and we were both showing each other ours, and I flexed mine while doing it. I didn't even say anything like "Oh yeah look at my big muscles!".

I just tensed it while we were talking just so she could see what i was packing. Do remember, this was the one who had a crush on me back.

- Again, with the second girl, I googled on Urban Dictionary my name, and it said I was a very 'sexy, sociopathic, charming' guy who gets all the women and such. I got her attention and showed off about it saying things like "This is exactly right!" and "This is definitely me!". Some guy said I was too 'laidback' to be a serial killer, but she defended me and said 'Hey, you never know. He could be a sociopath.'

- Tease them. I can't describe too well how to do this, because this can be done in so many ways in so many situations. And teasing is different from mocking or insulting or patronizing. Basically, these things are genuinely speaking or behaving to someone in a way that makes them feel hurt intentionally. Teasing is just trying to be fun.

- These apply to teenagers - adult women are different, but not completely different. All the same advice applies, but ease up on it a bit.

- Every woman is different, but don't change yourself to suit them. A more serious and stand-offish woman probably just isn't interested.

- Body language tips:

- Stand confidently with head up straight.

- Sit with straight posture but stay relaxed.

- Have 'open' body language, such as open arms and legs. Don't be afraid to take up a bit of space, so long as it doesn't infringe on anyone else's personal space, of course.

- Stand with chest sticking just a little bit out; too much and it'll look overexaggerated.

- If you are going to be putting hands in pockets, make it only one at a time and make sure only your thumb is in your pocket and your hands are resting outside the pocket.

- Hands on hips frequently, but in a masculine way.

- A paradox with trying to achieve good speech and body language, is that trying too had is counter-productive and might make you only look fake and trying too hard.

There has to be a balance between making small but effective changes to yourself, and trying too hard.

Anyway, this is all I've got for now, but I might add to it later.

If you're going after a regular neurotypical woman this makes sense. But as a female with aspergers I can say non-verbal communication and subtle hints is hard to understand in most contexts. I mean I can tell if someone looks happy, content, sad, angry but I won't know if its towards me or not, I need people to clearly tell me things or I don't know what they want or think of me.

I certainly don't know what instincts you're talking about either I mean when I first met my current boyfriend...I wasn't sure if he was entirely interested even though we kissed, I really hoped he was because I was interested in him but didn't know if he was till he outright told me that he felt good chemistry between us and really liked me and was wondering if I felt similarly. I mean I've attempted a few relationships where I had sex with the guy on our first meeting where they ended up turning out not to have much real interest in me...if I had such instinct to know if a guy was really into me or not I feel I wouldn't have gotten strung along as many times as I have.

- Tease them. I can't describe too well how to do this, because this can be done in so many ways in so many situations. And teasing is different from mocking or insulting or patronizing. Basically, these things are genuinely speaking or behaving to someone in a way that makes them feel hurt intentionally. Teasing is just trying to be fun.

Woah, careful not to mix flirtingup with negging. Just in case anyone takes this "make them feel hurt intentionally" thing too literally, teasing is jokey and fun. Maybe taking something she said that's a little silly and making a litlle joke about it, but don't make her feel stupid. If you've got it right she'll smile and laugh and joke about it back.

This can't be forced though. I think it only really works if you both have a natural rapport. There's nothing more annoying than a person who is contantly making jokes.

Man, dating is a tightrope walk isn't it.

I agree with Sweetleaf as well, too subtle and she'll just think you are being friendly or just having fun for that evening. Mind you, even if the flirting is obvious I still wonder if it actually means anything. There's this guy I know who flirts with me and at first I was asking my friends, "do you think he likes me or is this just a bit of fun for him?" I wasn't sure. I've had to give it some time to see what's what. A direct "hey I like you" might help out a bit.

But then at the end of the day all this crap only works if you both have a genuine connection.

Sure, sure, i know i have to be subtle, but this doesn't work.

I have at times been giving subtle hints, but (according to female friends that were also present), i was giving "obvious" signals that i "hated" that person.

On the other edge, when i was being completely obvious (to me), those same friends stated that i was being "too subtle" and could have been "more forward".
In that situation, the only step i could take to be more obvious would have been to go into a kiss unprovoked, yet i still was too subtle...

Flirting is easy. You just give girls quick glances, and that's all there is to it. Comes naturally to me, so no need to learn anything.

Verbal flirting? I have no idea how that works, and it must be an NT thing.

Teasing? Yes, that is nice too.

What's the SI unit for "subtlety"?

I don't mean to sound overly critical, it's just that I find "subtle" to be a really vague concept that I just have no way to judge at all.
Say nothing at all? I understand that.
State my interest literally? I understand that.
In between? Subtle? Appropriate? Meaningless to me. My scale for measuring "appropriateness" has no calibrations. There is no SI unit for "subtlety"!

The second thing is that flirting is not a one way process, it is an interaction - it is not only about my behaviour, but also reading someone else's. I have never been able to tell when I am being flirted with, nor whether my lame attempts at it are appreciated. I know this for sure, because friends have commented in the past that women have been "obviously interested" in me at social occasions, and are "showing all the signs". Yet, I've never had any idea that the behaviour of the women in question was anything other than friendly conversation.

Really? I'll be honest, I find that a very presumptuous statement indeed - it's amazing how well you seem to think you know me, considering our interactions consist of only a few forum posts. I have had plenty of coaching, both formal and informal, over the 45 years of my life, and yet I am still blind to the vast majority of non-verbal communication.

I can't understand what I don't even perceive to begin with. My brain is usually going full tilt just trying to extract the person's speech from the background noise, and then parse their words without any particular word leading my mind "up the garden path". I don't have any spare mental capacity with which to consciously scan for all these little "signals" that I'm supposedly missing, let alone formulate responses in that same "foreign language".

I do get frustrated that people so rarely recognise that "Social skills training" does not help one jot with perceptual and executive function impairments that can interfere with a person's ability to read a situation. I would be very surprised if I'm the only person on the forum who feels this way when people offer simplistic social skills advice, however well meaning it might be (I don't doubt that your intentions are good too, and I certainly don't mean to accuse you of being mean!).

If she's anywhere above average attractive, she won't need any "instinct" to tell you find her attractive, because essentially every heterosexual guy will. If you told her you do, you'd just be stating the obvious, and she'd be already more than fed up with hearing that from lots of dudes with no remote hope of meeting her high standards.

Any interaction with her, therefore, has to be done accepting the basic fact that you crave all sorts of physical intimacy with her---ultimately sexual intercourse---whereas she doesn't want you to touch her at all and it'd be disgusting to her.

The real problem, at least to me, is that, since it's inherently obvious I find most women around my age at least somewhat physically attractive, I think there's no way for me to avoid being judged as a pervert. I'm not even sure simply having a sex drive doesn't make me a pervert.

I agree. The subtle (and perhaps even the not-so subtle) flirting usually goes right over my head. I like it when the guy is more direct about his feelings towards me. And if we are compatible and he isn't too pushy about it, then it makes him more attractive.

I tend to be pretty direct.

There's this woman at work who is very beautiful. I'm a married man--so I have no chance with her, obviously.

Yet, when she seems stressed out, I always tell her that she's beautiful. She doesn't mind at all.

Frankly, she's absolutely ravishing.

You'd better be pretty damn sure she does like it, otherwise you're being an office pest.

I read this as you are willing to have an affair if given the chance.

She doesn't mind. You just have to be there.

I'm not an "office pest." I'm the "office eccentric."

If she minded, I wouldn't do it.

She thinks of me as a "buddy." That's her word for me.

I wouldn't have an affair with her. She doesn't like my kind of guy. She likes big, strong guys.

She's also 25 years younger than me.

Sometimes, I'm just silly.

You sound fine sir.

Millenials today can't take compliments like that anymore without getting defensive and extremely uncomfortable, even in a situation where they should feel perfectly secure (e.g., if you told a classmate or co-worker she's beautiful and you wanted to simply wish her a good day in a public space, with other people where any second she could ask for help if you made her uncomfortable).

That woman you work with, of course, is about 30 or so, so she's not a millenial.

I applaud you for (hopefully) brightening someone's day.

Sometimes that's all we need sometimes, male or female - someone to tell us we're a good person, or we're liked, or our efforts are appreciated, etc.

In my experience, most women don't mind being complimented.

But it's better if you know the person for a little while--in a working environment, say.

There tends to be less trust when a total stranger compliments somebody. There is the fear that the person doing the complimenting has some sort of ulterior motive which might not be pleasant for the person being complimented.

However, there are some women who don't mind being complimented, no matter what. I like that sort of spirit. It gives me optimism. I believe one can be wary while one is sincerely pleasant.

(though I don't go around complimenting people in the street).