Boyfriend just tried to shoot himself

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I thought being with another person on the spectrum would make dating more enjoyable.

Instead, I found myself with my fiance who has way less life experience than me.

I started therapy at age 8. He started at 31.

My last relationship lasted 6 years. I'm his first boyfriend.

I've cut out many addictions and rituals. He chronically smokes marijuana to cope - and as of late has regressed to an alcohol addiction he had before he met me, which scares me because he takes meds.

Our first year went great, but now we are at a point where the serious conversations happen, and he can't handle them. In fact, they make him very cruel, mean, and as tonight proved, also very suicidal.

I didn't want him to buy the gun. We needed the tax Money to fix the failing car, the stove that doesn't light, the dishwasher that is leaking to the point of rotting our kitchen floor. But he was so adamant about it, that he went as far as to not deposit the money in our joint account so he could buy the gun.

Then tonight, after he had a bad day at work, he kept talking about all the ways he could hurt someone.

I'm a war veteran who experienced explosions and warfare in Iraq, so I asked him if he could please minimize the aggressive talk to spare my nerves, in which he called me in-empathic and said why would I stress him out while he was buzzed from drinking.

Normally I compromise because developmentally speaking he seems incapable of putting himself in my shoes, but doing that leaves the problems unresolved, and even worse me feeling bitter or depressed. So I spoke honestly.

I told him that he drinks everyday now, on top of $600 on marijuana a month. So there is never a right time to bring anything up because he is literally ALWAYS buzzed.

He said f**k me. Shove my problems up my ass. That he was tired of me and that I was crazy and lacked empathy. I told him he being a little abusive. He said he didn't understand how and that I should know he was different and be more empathetic towards him.

When I tried to explain to him that he literally just said f**k me, not even two days after he got mad and broke stuff and hrew things around the house because I was tired and didn't want to stay up, he loaded the gun. I thought he was going to shoot me at first and I prepared to die. But then he put it up to his head instead, which scares and angered me just as much because I love him and try to hard to make him happy.

I quickly snatched it away and threw it. I was So scared. I screamed why! TheN he said because I was cruel and crazy and he couldn't take the stress anymore. (Note stress is anything that makes him feel guilty or bad) stress is any time I choose not to pretend like his every action is ok because "he didn't mean to."

I want to leave, but his NeuroTypical brother moved out as quickly as possible when I moved in. I had no idea it was because my fiance was so incredibly developmentally behind that my brother in law had been taking care of him like a mother since their mother passed away a few years back.

Now I am in a situation where he may kill himself if I leave. Being surprised by this extreme behavior, I no longer know what he is capable of doing to me either. I don't think he would hurt me, but I know deep down inside I thought he was going to shoot me, which means I have truly lost faith in him.

Also, he needs my income to help with bills. I feel trapped and don't know what to do.

I took the bullets and gun clips (magazine) and locked them in my car. I tried to take the gun, but he took it from me stating I wasn't allowed to have his gun.

Then he went into his sorry mode and how I have to forgive him because he can't help it and he didn't mean to do it.

I am here in bed with him right now only because I fear for his life. I was very honest with him that we have to break up over this. If the nuances of a relationship do this to him then I think I, as the more responsible adult, should leave before this gets worse, but who will protect him? No way in hell is his married brother coming back to be held captive by Fiance's dangerous combination of naivety, addiction and aggression.

Question: if a relationship is too stressful for your spouse, should you leave them for his or her own sake?

I have already made my decision. I'm really just curious how others feel.

Question: if a relationship is too stressful for your spouse, should you leave them for his or her own sake?

Yes you should.

My ex left me because I was getting very stressed and angry at things it caused her to fall out of love with me. Now we have split up the stress of the relationship has gone and I am fine. It has opened my eyes to who I was becoming it's not that I can't have a relationship I just needed to learn this about my self. I am hoping my next relationship will be a lot better from what I have learnt. But now I have learnt I will know the signs and do something about it. I think he may need to learn this since you are his first boyfriend its a harsh lesson.

I should point my ex is the first woman I truly fell in love with but she was my second relationship. My first was actually friends with benefits we both got something we needed there was never any true feelings between us, she would still sleep with me now if I asked that's just how our relationship is.

Thank you so much for the reply. I know it's going to break his heart, but the moment he grabbed the gun I knew he couldn't handle this and I felt all my trust and safety go out the window.

I mentioned to my brother in law once, when my fiance first displaying warning behaviors, that I didn't think my fiance was ready for a relationship yet. My brother in law has been married for ten years so I really look up to him, and he said to me that the couples that are meant to be are the ones who endure everything that is meant to tear them apart.

So I've been tackling my relationship and engagement in this way. Eventually it just led to me constantly backing down, and avoiding unpleasant conversations because I knew what they would lead to.

These are simple conversations that we had that led to this extreme down spiral. I know from my previous relationship that tougher moments will come. That's just life; therefore it is inevitable. If he can't handle this, then when those days come our house will surely be painted in blood.

I feel at peace to do what is right which is sparing him from a situation he knows he can't handle. It just feels so cruel however being the first guy to ever break his heart.

All emotions aside, however, I just don't know how to go about it, because my brother in law is not going to come back, and I fear if he and his spouse are forced to, it may ruin his relationship with my fiance. I worked very to hard to ease the tension between them when I first entered their lives. They have gotten so much better since I came into the picture. At first they used to fight and argue a lot and I wasn't fully aware of the situation to know why.

My brother in law once told me that his mother's dying fear was that he and his spouse would abandon my fiance after she died, and how happy he was that I was in his brothers life because I was doing a good job helping. I pay all the bills. I drive my fiance to and from work. Do all the grocery shopping. Most of the cleaning. Schedule his doctor appointments. Make sure he takes his meds.
Essentially I've gone from boyfriend to full fledged caretaker. If I'm gone, and my brother in law does not come back to help, my fiance will not be able to maintain his life.

I'm a natural martyr and part of me wants to just stay so he'll be ok, but I've learned that doesn't help anyone in the long run. It just makes things progressively worse.

a relationship is supposed to be something positive in your life that uplifts you, if you're basically just babysitting your partner 24/7 and his lifestyle is bringing both you and him down, there's not much to gain from said relationship. if he can't make an effort towards sobriety and happiness, it's very likely just a waste of time.

generally when you confront someone on their problems, and they respond by telling you to "shove their problems up their ass" they aren't exactly mature enough to even have friends.

You said it perfectly. I've been looking for a word to describe it because he isn't a bad person.

He just is mature enough for this yet. My brother in law kind of confessed it all to me today about how he has dealt with this too.

He says he doesn't want to get involved, but doesn't hold this against me.

Meanwhile my fiance (ex) is hugging me right and saying he is sorry and he loves me. I don't think he truly realizes that I was serious last night about breaking up and that I only stayed here to keep him safe. I'm not sure how long I will have to stay here until I know he will be ok.

The fact that he put a loaded gun to his head makes me think he's suicidal & needs to be committed to a hospital. Call 911 & tell them what he did.

You made the right decision.

Observe:


Source:
Wintemute, Garen J. "Alcohol misuse, firearm violence perpetration, and public policy in the United States." Preventive medicine 79 (2015): 15-21.
http://www.calwellness.org/assets/docs/ ... misuse.pdf

It's not just *his* safety you should be worried about. It's also your own.

Get away from him.

DTMFA

You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship under these conditions. For your own safety and health please end the relationship

This person does not sound safe to be around--not for you, not for himself, not for anyone else. I think you should maybe consider calling the police/having him put in hospital until he is no longer a danger to himself. Is there a local suicide prevention agency or a hotline you could call who might be able to explain what avenues of help there are for suicidal people where you live?

I agree it should be reported. He needs help, you can't do everything yourself.

I can understand the getting tired of it, but he should have reported it too.

I would refrain from actually mentioning it, it might make it worse. Just to get out of the situation, reporting it.

You seem like such a nice guy - so caring and full of love. You do *not* deserve this, but more important you may have to learn to accept that you are not responsible for him or his family. Yes, you may be the first to break his heart - but it had to happen eventually. This isn't healthy for you. It isn't healthy for him, either, as he is not getting the help he clearly needs to be able to deal with life and his own inner demons.

Make your plans & get everything ready so that you can tell him in a safe/public place and simply walk away. He sounds too violent to do otherwise. Or have someone help you move out so you aren't alone. Maybe talk to his brother to see if they can get him the help he needs.

And if anything bad happens after you break up and start living life again, I think you can be confident it likely would've happened if you'd stayed, too.

Last edited by Edenthiel on 09 Apr 2016, 5:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Things to remember:

You can't always help someone

It is not your job to rescue them, you are not their therapist

Only someone can help themselves

You are not responsible for his death if he kills himself

Thank you. I have been very overwhelmed with guilt. It stems from my childhood because my mother and father was unstable and I had to learn at a young age to overcompensate to make things ok.

I naturally assume that it's my job to minimize everyone else's pain. So much so that I couldn't tell him just how traumatized I was by his actions.

Now that we are broken up, his brother won't come back. He told me he almost lost his spouse for having to help his brother too much.

My ex fiance is asking me to stay here until August because he can't afford his bills, but he is still spending at least $150 a week on drugs and another $35 on cheap alcohol. He and his brother are even getting ready to spend money on shrooms which they plan to take next week.

His brother may be a cool guy, but he is pretty much the same - violent, emotionally unstable and a drug addicted. He is only doing better because his spouse is very successful. I am disappointed that he complains about my ex's substance issue, but is so quick to take advantage of it when he wants to "dabble."

My ex won't get into therapy either. Which I know will be best for him. Instead he is just drinking more and progressing his drug use. I fear after shrooms he will start using cocaine again - which I only recently found out he used to have a huge problem with.

I know now for sure I made the right decision. Whereas I want to move now, I gotta make sure he will be ok first - I can't control his health, but I do want to make sure he doesn't lose the house he inherited from his deceased mother.

But come August I am moving out. I feel I am on a sinking ship and it depressed me every day now seeing people I love self destruct and seeing the more responsible people in his life pretend to care, but maintain it so that they can periodically self destruct too.

I leave now don't wait. If you feel you must pay his rent for the next month but nothing more. And remove the ammo from the house to that gun if he is taking mushrooms!! I would suggest removing the gun but that might cause an argument :S

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. This is very much abuse. I'm glad you're safe and that you've locked away the guns.

This may be a bit insensitive for me to ask, but could it be he did this to manipulate you? Possibly his brother/family too if they were to hear what happened, and they'd feel obligated to help him again? I know you care for him deeply, but I ask this because I was in a similar situation (where my ex threatened to kill himself multiple times if I didn't do as he wanted; he never went through with it) -- some people will take advantage of your love and kindness. Slamming doors, breaking things, the yelling, and suicide threats are common manipulation tactics of abusers.

It's unfair to you to stay with this man. They will never change. The longer you stay with him and try and help him, the more parts of yourself (happiness, personality, dreams) you'll be sacrificing, and all to be unhappy in the end.

Can you stay at a friend's or family member's house for a while? Somewhere he can't find you? I don't really believe he'll kill himself, but especially since you mentioned he said he wanted to hurt people & first aimed the gun at you before himself, I'm VERY worried for your safety!