Extreme Anxiety Around Dating?

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Hi everyone,

So I'm 23 and I've never had a girlfriend. I sort of went out with a girl my sophomore year of college (I say sort of because whatever was going on was very ambiguous) But within a week the stress was so intense it actually brought back a chronic illness that had been brought under control at that point. I attributed that to the fact that I found out she was somewhat unstable, going back and forth whether she wanted to go out with me, sometimes multiple times in one day. Also, not counting the time we spent together or Facebook messages she texted me 800 times in a week. But around a year ago I asked out a girl who I felt an incredible connection with and she said she wasn't sure. The fact that it wasn't clear whether she did or not caused so much anxiety that I developed a very prominent arm tremor for a month.

When it did stop and I looked back on it I realized how anxious I am regarding dating. I have never been able to ask a girl out in person and if I send a message on facebook or through text it takes months to work up the courage and even then about thirty minutes to do so after I have written it out. I also realized that the few times I actually notice someone flirting with me I get very uncomfortable and end up pushing her away and I usually am attracted to women who I feel comfortable around, hence women who don't make me feel like that. Does anyone else have this issue and if so how do I get around it? I want a relationship very much but this mental block has been there since high school.

Hang around here. You'll get some pointers.

I think the best thing to do is to keep trying. Keep asking people out through Facebook, no matter how much anxiety you feel.

It's a heck of a lot better than doing nothing.

That pretty much describes me. I have had one rather long distance relationship (although I visited her city regularly) and we went out only once. I even told her her that I liked her over Facebook. That ended many months ago and I am yet to make any progress towards starting another relationship. I have had a few girls seem to show a bit of interest in me, but I let my anxiety ruin my opportunity by avoiding interaction with them until I had a solid plan, and said plan never got created. I can't help at all, but I can relate.

Thanks for your replies. I'm still working at it. I'd just like to get to a point where asking someone out doesn't involve stress to the point where it makes me sick again.

That's how I feel too. All my relationships habe been ambiguous. I've got to the point where I find it hard to believe that someone could like me back, even if the signs are obvious.

I get really stressed around them and end up avoiding the person I like because I get so anxious. Then they lose interest because it looks like I don't like them because I'm not talking to them.

Texting or fb messaging is better for me too. So much less stressful unless it takes the other person hours to respond and that's hours of torment for me, wondering if I'm bothering you.

I have that too, even though I am, superficially, very confident around guys. Obviously that makes things even more difficult that if I was shy.

What worked for me is to communicate those issues to the person who I am attracted to. You could try that. You could for example say (over facebook if that helps): 'I'd really like to ask you out but I get anxious when I'm around women who I like.' So this way you communicate your intention and also do not build up expectations that you can't live up to (like an expectation of creating fantastic date, where conversation is flowing effortlessly and so on).

Do not worry too much that she may not like it. You need to find someone who would accept you for who you are instead of trying to find a girl with who you could pass for NT.

Actually the thing that stresses me out the most is trying to be tactful. I'd rather be blunt and straightforward, but in matters of the heart I feel like if I did that I would come over too clinical, too business like.

I want to say. I like you do you like me too? If you do.like me why haven't you actually asked me out yet? It's not like you've never asked anyone out before? Am I scary? What's the problem?

But I can't say that because that's crazy. So I'll just sit and obsess about what I can say that's more tactful and convince myself the guy doesn't even like me anyway so what's the point. Then I'll get anxious because I feel like he knows I like him and that everyone knows that I like him but he doesn't like me and everyone just pities me for liking someone I have no hope with. I feel like an idiot.

I'm very similar and have looked a lot into why I'm like that. Something I've come across that describes it well is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's supposedly very prominent in those with ADHD. Here are two links that describe it better than I can:

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