Very high-functioning Aspie lady; no boyfriend

Post Reply New Topic

I feel my daughter (24) is very high-functioning (great career, academics, etc - and appears normal in many ways), but her underlying Asperger may be the reason she has no boyfriend... Is she just too intense in contacts with possible male partners? Any insights very gratefully received, thank you

I'm sure she's a lovely girl but she may not be able to tell when guys are flirting with her so she'd have no way to know when guys are interested in her. If she makes no response a guy make take it as an intentional message of refusal.

Does she feel bad about it? It could be she is happy without a boyfriend for now. She is young.

How much are you selling her, for five bucks? Two? What are you, some kind of madam?

I am not as high functioning as her...I'm on disability and at best might be able to get into working, but don't think I could work as much as most people but I won't be going back to college for a degree and probably wont end up with any real 'career'. But I have a boyfriend, so I don't think that alone would be the reason.

Does she want a relationship? and do you know if she's gone out with any guys but didn't get to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage? I mean another thing is she might not be into most guys she runs into, and probably wont settle for someone who can't accept her for who she is or who she doesn't feel she can act natural around and has to mask the aspergers to appear 'normal'. I know I've always felt it's best to wait for the right guy than just date anyone...of course I've certainly dated guys I thought could be that who proved not to be, I feel I was kind of led on by some of them in the past.

I met my boyfriend on the site okcupid, and mostly looked for guys with some similar interests who enjoy some similar activities as me. Basically since I have great difficulty approaching people I don't know in social situations and such, I figured that site site was a good way around that part...that way I could talk to them some before meeting up in person. If she's at a loss of how to meet anyone she could try that.

But it could be she doesn't feel ready for a relationship right now or isn't interested at this point, she may not be interested at all but difficult to say without knowing more about her and the situation.

My insight is that you shouldn't be involved like this in your 24 year old daughter's love life. When she's ready for dating advice, there is nothing stopping her from coming on these boards herself.

I guess the exception would be if you are from a culture where parents are expected to find their children's spouse, like the Hindu culture, but only if you have her permission to do so.

Other than that, you really need to get out of it. She's an adult and she will start dating when she's damn good and ready. There's nothing particularly unusual about an aspie not dating until their mid-twenties. We mature later.

Also, some of the nicest couples I know are not so high functioning autistics. They just found the right person to be with them in all of their quirks, as a person with more ability to blend in, I wish I could create relationships as healthy as these people. They are down-right adorable. So, being high functioning isn't really an indication of how ready she is for dating. Intimacy is a whole new skill set. But again, the only time you get to help her with that skill set is when she asks for that help. She's a grown woman.

Well, I wasn't going to post on this forum again, but this thread caught my eye.

She won't ask her Dad for help, don't be silly somanyspoons. She might not even mention she's having problems with dating to her parents for fear of letting them down. I know I feel like that.

To the OP, we can only really tell you of our own experiences and even then most people on here don't actually understand what they're doing wrong so can't actually answer your questions. This forum is basically the blind leading the blind and whole load of insane hypothesis in between.

No one can really say why she's single. She may not even know why herself.

You'll really have to talk to her about it. Although l, don't let her feel like you're judging her. My relatives (not my parents) always ask at family gatherings, "so have ypu met anyone yet?" and my answer is always no. It's getting embarrassing and it hurts more each time they ask.

That's exactly my point. Assuming she's a part of mainstream US or UK culture, she's not going to ask her Dad. And she certainly doesn't want him asking her about it.

I know you probably didn't mean to sound patronizing by calling me silly, but we don't have body language on the internet, and you and I don't have a prior relationship. Your calling me silly is inappropriately casual. I am likely old enough to be your parent.

You're only 6 years older than me and yes, I was being patronising because you seemed to be patronising the OP.

This statement angered me:

I understand why the Dad is concerned and that's OK. He should be free to talk to her about it, just understand that she won't go to him about it first.

I think that parents and grown children should be OK to talk to each other about this kind of stuff. He could tell her that he's concerned she's having problems and is thete to listen if she wants to talk about it.

Remember men, listen, don't try and fix it.

Yah, well, stop it. That's not OK.

__

Last edited by Britte on 31 Jul 2016, 2:46 am, edited 2 times in total.

If you are rude to people you should expect them to be rude back. Don't dish it out if you can't take it.

JohnCNM. I'm sorry if I'm about to sound confrontational, but I'm going to bring some huge issues to your attention and ask you about them:
Did she ask you to come on here and find her someone?
Have you shown her this website?
If so, did she show interest?
Even if she did, you wouldn't have much power to stand over her shoulder and verify said interest.
You said she has a great career, which already speaks extremely high in her favor.

But it would seem there's a much bigger problem on her horizon than finding a mate. That would be: fitting in at her job, and keeping the job for ten years or more - possibly even promotions.
She will also be interested in her co-workers accepting her, inviting her to the same functions everyone else is invited to, things like that. The mate almost certainly will fall in with those things, and it will likely BE someone she meets at one of said functions. I'm sorry for the tone of this message, as I am not her father, nor do I pretend to be.

I know there are rules against fraternization at jobs, but they get broken up and down. Managers date servers. Married owners have affairs with cooks. On and on the list goes, and it certainly pervades into office life as well.
Again, does she tell you about the job front?
If so, does she give indication that she is accepted among her peers?

Essentially, high-school never ended. They just raised the stakes and expected everyone to use the same social norms they learned back in high-school. Meeting a successful boyfriend is just a symptom of that, and it very likely will not come from a match-making, especially not a forum that a parent found on the internet. She will have to join the website herself, and show interest. Again, I'm sorry for the tone of this message.

Also, feel free to ignore the two people arguing on your thread about unrelated issues. I'm surprised people on here even do that, as I always thought it was mostly a neurotypical behavior.

Have a good day, please.

I still think it's ok for her Dad to care and ask for info on here. Hes not intruding on her privacy, he just wants to understand... He just wants her to be happy.

Also, he's not on here looking for someone for her. This isn't a dating site. He's just looking for insight.

I wish my parents were
that thoughtful.

My parents, especially my dad, just expect me to "go and find a girl" - without ever even noticing (even back when I was a teeen) that I lack social life and struggling, it never occured to them that there's something wrong.

I think I agree with you, I didn't get the impression the O.P has any malicious intent, seems like he's just concerned and looking to understand better.