Am I wasting my time with this aspie?

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I've been dating a guy on the spectrum and he comes across very genuine and kind however he is very confusing. We've been intimate twice and it was amazing!! ! Then he lost contact for a while (basically said he felt pressured - don't know why). Just a few days ago we were texting again and planned to meet up Sunday night at my house but then he cancelled on me.

He smsed "Sorry I can't do tonight. I don't know what I'm doing. Take care and I will talk again soon when I'm a bit more stable. Namaste "

He only sms'. He has never once actually rang me to chat!! If this was a neurotypical guy I would tell him to get f****d. I am so confused. I've never dated a guy on the spectrum before.

It doesn't sound like he's into commitment. It seems as if he wants to talk to you on HIS terms.

Unless you just want to have a little fun once in a while, I would just forget this guy, and move on to someone else.

Thank you for replying Veteran. He doesn't want a friends with benefits either though! He is concerned that if we are intimate again it is sending the wrong message. Ok, if he doesn't wanta relationship or a friends with benefits, then why bother to contact me?

I think he's seeking human contact. I also think he might feel sexually aroused at times, so he contacts you.

Try not to think about this in aspie terms. Just treat it like he was any man. I do not believe this is a case of just misunderstanding his autism and that he wants a close relationship. He looks to be just playing around.

Sounds like he's battling some issues. Perhaps he's struggling with his mental health and needs some time to get himself together. Being social is difficult for those with autism, and it requires mental strength. Sometimes we don't have that strength, especially if we are dealing with other events in our lives.

If I were you, I would simply ask him outright if he's struggling mentally and needs time, or if he wants to call it off and break up. Then you'll know where you are, and he'll probably appreciate the blunt question (if his autism is anything like mine or those I know).

^

I suppose that wouldn't be a bad idea, either.

My first question is, was this his first sexual experience? Sex and intimacy can be very confusing for some autistics/Aspies, so he might need time to sort through some issues he's having with it... Some understanding and patience would go a long way! That would be good for everyone to remember... Not all Autistics/Aspies are the same, or on the same place on the Spectrum, and not all handle things the same guys, so please, keep this in mind when passing judgment on each other!

Thanks for the responses everyone. I appreciate the insights.
I really like this guy as you can probably already tell. He has a very gentle soul and nice aura/energy.
We are both 37 and no, this is not his first sexual experience. He lived in the states for a few years (for work) and told me he was in a relationship for 2.5 years which ended 10 months when he moved back here and she didn't want to.
He has told me that he has depression and anxiety issues, which is why I have been compassionate for so long. I also suffer anxiety sometimes but it's not bad (I manage it with nutrition and exercise).I have a big heart and feel much empathy for this guy. Also, the spectrum is now something personal to my heart as my 3 year old son has just been diagnosed!! !

> helloarchy: "If I were you, I would simply ask him outright if he's struggling mentally and needs time, or if he wants to call it off and break up. Then you'll know where you are, and he'll probably appreciate the blunt question (if his autism is anything like mine or those I know)". I don't feel this is something I want to text to him. I want to meet in person to have this discussion.

I don't think Helloarchy meant that you should text the guy these questions. I think he meant that you should ask him in person.

I understand you really like the guy very much. And you have reason to like him.

But do you want to spend the rest of your life in limbo because this guy can't make a definite decision? And you have a 3 year old on the Spectrum! This guy could be useful for your 3 year old.

I hope you both can come to a resolution.

No, I def do not want to spend the rest of my life in limbo. I'm willing to be somewhat patient but I can't understand his yo-yo behaviour because to me, you either want to be with someone or you don't. It's not a hard decision in my opinion.

Then...for men....there's the question of autonomy.

Frequently, it's difficult for men to commit to a woman---they, often, think of commitment as this "great sacrifice." It's so classic! The Aspie guy seems, in retrospect, to be acting very neurotypical in this instance.

I really get the feeling that he's having trouble with the idea of commitment, upon reflection.

Have you told him that your kid is on the Spectrum yet?

Yes I told him that my son has been diagnosed. He asked me how he can help me. But when I asked him how he wanted to help, he said he doesn't know.
I believe his anxiety is much worse then he lets on.

I think what you said is plausible.

I agree with Kraftie, as I do on most things. Even though he could be good for your child, it isn't however good for you to be in limbo! Grace is great, but making excuses for his toying with your emotions, if that's what he's doing is not. He needs to make his mind up, one way or the other. At first, I thought maybe he was confused, but I'm not so sure... Perhaps, you should set him down, be direct in telling him that you want a real relation ship with him, no games, but a commitment, and ask him what he wants from you, and see what he says...

I feel like I should be able to help here, but I am having trouble as I can see both sides.

I totally understand this and I will attempt to explain it: He wants to help but he wants you to tell him how to help.

This happens with my partner from time to time, I adore her and I always want to help her, but sometimes I feel out of my depth and I'm not sure what to do to help, and fear my own actions may make things worse. She now knows she can tell me what ever she needs help with, but she needs to be specific.



I can relate to this to, I often attempt to hide my anxiety as I do not want to transfer this to my partner. She has enough of her own stuff going on to deal with, without me lumping more on top of her. Unfortunately it usually ends with a shutdown when it all gets to much, which is worse on her. I now understand this and do my best to let her know I'm struggling.



I agree limbo is not somewhere you want to stay and I think he needs to tell you where he is at.
From my experience, I have wanted to break up with a girl, but felt bad and things were in limbo because I couldn't bring myself to end it (i don't want to hurt anyone), I guess I was giving her a reason to end it.

When I met my current partner, there was no yo-yo from day one.

That being said, I don't know what is going on in his head, only he does. I don't think it is inappropriate for you to ask him how he views your relationship. Are you together? Taking a break? Broken up? Friends? Friends with benefits?
AS or not, it's not fair to be lead on. I would even go as far to say to him it is not fair on your heart to be in limbo and he needs to let you know where he is at, because you want a relationship with him, but if he doesn't want one with you, then that's okay but you need to know so you can move on and out of limbo.