please help ;(

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I have been talking to someone on the spectrum online for 6 months now. We talked almost every day and flirted and really liked each other. We were both similar to each other in ways that are rare to find in other people, so we really thought each other was special. We had planned to meet in person this month.

Last month though, I noticed some distance (he stopped reaching out). I asked him where he has been, and he said he was busy but he is really sorry. I said it's ok. I tried to initiate conversations a few times and they went fine, but I stopped because I noticed I was the only one reaching out.

After I stopped for about a week, he initiated conversations twice. He was warm and flirty in both. So, I thought things were back to normal.

So, I started initiating conversations again. In one of those conversations I had with him, I opened up about how I feel lonely due to not having many friends/a support system when I'm feeling down. After that conversation the distance increased, he slowly got more and more indifferent, not warm/flirtatious anymore, disinterested. (I am not sure if that conversation caused the distance, or if it was something else).

So, I apologized for that conversation and said we don't have to talk about that stuff if he doesn't like it. He said it is fine, it's just that it is mentally draining sometimes. I said I understand and I'll keep that in mind from now on.

But even after that exchange, the distance remained. I tried sending a flirty message but he didn't reciprocate. I tried having a normal conversation, and he responded but it wasn't flirty and it didn't feel like he was trying.

So, I went back to not talking for a week.

One week later, he reached out again asking me if I want to hang out (which had to have been a joke because he lives far away). I asked how that's possible, and he said "i dont know haha". I asked if he is still in his hometown, to confirm, but he just never responded.

So then, a week later I decided to confront him. I asked him if everything is okay because he hasn't been talking to me the way he used to, and I don't know if I did something wrong. I also said I know he must be busy this month but I have been noticing this since last month so I thought it best to check with him.

And he just read that message and didn't ever respond to it and it has been a few days now.

And I'm really going crazy here wondering why he is ignoring me (he has never straight up ignored me like that before), and wondering what happened, why is this happening. I keep going back in my head and trying to figure out if I did anything wrong, if I said something that could have turned him off or pushed him away, and I am getting headaches thinking of all the possibilities and trying to figure it out.

I'm really sad because he was special to me and I don't want to lose him any insight or advice would be appreciated.

He has his life too, he can't stay glued to the screen talking to a girl he probably won't be able to meet in his life.

And btw, you might think you love him but if you meet him in person for first time there's chance that your infatuation fizzles, I experienced both ends.

if he's anything like me, then the explanation is right there. because it doesn't matter if you say he doesn't have to talk about it. it only matters that you actually need it and that he knows it

so it's a catch-22. if he says he doesn't want to talk about it, he'll feel like a jerk, you'll probably feel hurt, and you'll both feel alienated from each other because you're in "different places emotionally" with not much to offer each other. if he does talk about it, he'll be emotionally exhausted, and resentful for it. between a rock and a hard place, he'll just ignore you instead, even if he's tempted to talk. and he'll probably feel like a jerk for it anyway. so he'll only get more and more ambivalent and distant even if he happens to be in contact

i know this is hard, but there's no escaping it: if you want to keep your relationship, he can't be your go-to confidant. you need a friend. and chances are your relationship as you know it and imagine it is already lost at this point. this is where the saying "if you love someone, let them go" comes in. there's no certainty in any of it, but i think you actually have a better chance of having a good relationship with him eventually if you don't insist right now. as it is, it's a long shot no matter what

at least if you choose to let it go, you have some control over it, and you also prevent bitterness from escalating to irreparable levels. unless all you really want is closure. then it's better to just make it all as clear and uncomfortable as it gets and just get it over with for good

hmm ... but the only reason I talked about that stuff is because he did before. he told me about how he feels depressed often. I was there for him when he was feeling sad. And I thought me opening up about my similar feelings would actually be a good thing, because it would make him happy to know he is not alone and I feel the same way, and we can connect over that.

So are we really in different places emotionally? Why did he open up about his feelings then?

And why does our relationship have to end because of this - you are right, he doesn't have to be my confidant, I could talk to a friend instead. I'm willing to make that adjustment, he doesn't have to feel like a jerk.

if that's how it went, then that's good thinking, and you sound like a good friend. it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong or even mistaken


yes... that is a good question. and if he wasn't willing to at least listen to you when you need to vent, then he shouldn't have relied on you like that. it's unfair and confusing. he may have his reasons (or maybe not, i don't know), but either way, sooner or later you need to think of yourself first. if it starts to feel like you're in some kind of caretaker role, or constantly walking on eggshells to avoid losing him, then it's a sign that the relationship is taking more from you than you're gaining from it. whatever issues he may have, assume that they're permanent and out of your control, and then ask yourself if you're really okay with it


my advice: do look for a friend if you can, but otherwise, follow whatever you think is right. if it doesn't work out, it's not because you did anything wrong, it's because there was nothing you could do to begin with. and this is one of the good reasons to have a friend outside of the relationship, actually: to confirm that you're not crazy when you get no validation from him. because it is the kind of thing that drives anyone crazy

depression is a complicated thing, and he sounds like a complicated guy, and there will probably be a lot of heartbreak involved no matter what. but then again if you completely avoid heartbreak, there's just no way to have any meaningful relationship ever, so there's that. if nothing else, you learn something. just try not to rely on him or rely on that relationship, because no matter how much you like him, it's clear that he can't be relied upon. if you can't find a friend, then try to find something else you can hold on to (like an interest or an activity). something that helps you feel sane when you're questioning yourself

Its like trying to get a nail to stick in rotten wood. Futile exercise. Good relationships are self perpetuating. The moment you realize it has been on a downhill trend for a while usually means its indeed on the way out. At that point nothing will repair it.

There are exceptions like if some very basic misunderstanding occurred, but usually its just the ship or ships are drifting apart.

I was here, earlier, and have since, felt compelled to return to express gratitude to you, as your words throughout this thread have been extremely valuable and helpful to me_