Looking for advice

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Hi everyone

I am an NT wife who is married to an Aspie man.
I recently suspect he is being unfaithful.
He will every once and a while admit to at least an emotional affair and then deny it the next ten times we talk about what happened.
I told him I'm only looking for complete honesty so we can move forward.
The problem is he HATES to talk about anything personal, and has said on more than one occasion "why can't we just leave it alone and not talk about it and keep moving forward?"
As an NT, I need to put it all on the table to feel comfortable with moving on.
I am looking for any advice on how to compromise or at least get some of what I need from this situation.
I work very hard to accommodate my husbands Aspergers, but I need him to accommodate me now just a little bit.
Every time I try to talk to him about this it causes a meltdown. So we are really at a standstill and I am very concerned for my marriage.
Any advice would be so appreciated.

Sorry to hear about your hurt, hug!

Talking, like having a verbal conversation about feelings or emotions, is a very very hard thing to do for most Aspies.

Imho & experience it just doesn't work and can even make stuff worse.

Basically it is worth to think of alternative ways of communication.

Like writing short emails.
Even chatting.
Using pictures, songs, movies.
Using parts of the special interest of the Aspie to make up a new 'language'.

How long have you been married? Did you dive into the mechanisms of Aspergers? Did you do some reading? Therapy?

Sometimes there seems to be like a cycle, some kind of a feedback pattern that develops in long-term relationships.
I explain it like: action (words) > reaction (words and or emotion) > counter reaction (words and or emotion) > counter counter reaction etc etc.

It can lead to a downward spiral of nastiness.

Basically the number 1 rule is to take care of no 1 first: YOU. This includes your boundaries. You cannot compromise if you don't know your deal breakers.

Honesty can mean so many things to anyone especially Aspies. If he denies having an affair it all depends on what HIS definition is of an affair. If he denies that he said certain things than it might be a case of CAPD, problems with actually hearing, understanding and remembering verbal speech.

Obviously pushing for answers doesn't work in your case.

There are so many other ways.

But I would advice taking some time off like a truce of some kind.
Stress and overload by constant pushing the buttons will lead to meltdowns, shut downs and even burn-out.

Take care of yourself in sense of stress management & relaxation. See what you can do to at least not cause more distress. Like leaving him alone. Giving him more time for his special interests or sleeping. If that special interest is other women (and you have actual proof of that!), then stop having sex and actually sleeping together, for safety reasons as well. Write him a short message that you are moving out of the bed as long as you are not sure if you are exclusive.

Try to stop obsessing about him and his behavior and start obsessing about your own well-being.
My first lesson with my DH was that I applied the way he would be so self-centered to myself. I learned to do more and more my own thing. Seek for ways to be more happy on my own or with other people that made me happy or at least relaxed.

Building independence also empowered me. It build my confidence, I felt better about myself and my future. I know that even if in the worst case scenario our marriage won't work out, I won't be lost.

Good luck and please lmk if you need links to websites and books, I have a few suggestions that helped me

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and respond. They brought tears to my eyes.

I have done all of the reading I can I have implemented all of the skills that I have learned to help my husband.

You are correct all he wants is for me to stop asking him questions but it's so difficult. I feel like he's basically asking me to accept what he's done with no consequences.

I do like your suggestion to try different ways of communication. I would love any other help you have to offer thank you so much

I feel like you should try to extend his comfort zone a bit.

If you don't like cheating in your marriage, you should let him know that.

What's fair is fair.

If you cheated on him, he'd probably throw a fit (or three).

Sometimes, even people with autism have "meltdowns" so they don't have to be held accountable for their actions.

If he makes a full-throttle confession, I'd forgive him---but you must let him know the extent of your feelings about this issue--in a direct way. People with autism/Asperger's are not very good at interpreting ambiguity/ambivalence.

You are most welcome, hun, have another hug

It's tough!

Kraftie offers below really to the point advice.
I didn't offer it cos it seemed so logical... Did you do the following?

In a very hard time in my marriage I came across this, to me, at first very weird, blog (beware it contains very very very long posts)
http://happyaspergermarriage.com/

I started with her list of books:
http://happyaspergermarriage.com/read-this-one-first/

and did this:
http://happyaspergermarriage.com/how-to ... yndrome-2/

Also for our kid.
I began taping everything. I used my phone first, voice recorder only. Without them knowing
For my own use.

Then I announced I would video taping all of us in plain sight.
It was gold. So much information. Not only proof of his actions and words but also behavior. Including MINE!
This also helped lots with all the diagnosis for our child and then DH and now hopefully mine.

I was still often lost as f**k... Due to my own issues...
But somehow with time stuff just calmed down.

Especially after I have worked out an exit plan. Like I planned the divorce, where I would live and how, the financial aspects, custody, everything.

I stopped communicating stuff that I wasn't 100% sure of. Or that I didn't know how to verbalize.

Now I only talk when I either say stuff that isn't important, like a kind of chit-chat about the day.

Or be silent and then say 1 or 2 very very clear sentences.
Like 'I feel angry. I am going for a walk'.

When I worked stuff out really well, by writing full journals, talking to therapists (talks I would also tape and replay over and over again btw) I would email a summary of things I would do. Or ask of him to do.

Or I would simply do stuff. Little stuff, trial and error. Like saying: 'would you like to watch this movie with me?'

Or when doing groceries I stopped asking him to come into the supermarket. I would say: 'please wait in the car, I know the supermarket is overwhelming. Just please help me with the carrying and packing.'

Most of all. I stopped criticizing him. I also stopped saying 'I'm sorry'.

I still have issues. Lots!
But I can finally feel like I can breathe. And find my way back home.

Please keep in touch and if you have questions, please lmk

Thanks again to both of you. I have offered space. Unfortunately I would like a few days to myself to realign myself, he would like space but would not like me to leave our home.
It's hard for me as an NT to understand space without literal space.
I think several of his meltdowns are anger outbursts in disguise.
But who am I to say?
I have very obviously said I don't like cheating whether emotional or not. He has admitted it was inappropriate as well as the fact he knew I'd be upset.
But he's just being so mean and distant to me, as if I'm the one at fault

Sweetie, I can 'feel' your hurt from miles away... Hugs!

So please keep that in mind cos I'm going to be a bit blunt, ok? Trying to shake you out of feeling and acting like a victim, which is how you may (and would totally be allowed to) feel like now, but you also have the power to no longer be one.

Stop apologizing for YOU needing space.
Plus if he says that he can be in the same space with you and be ok with it, that is total BS! Most Aspies have a very good spider sense for 'bad vibes' and can get really stressed in a room where there is 'tension'.

Look, you took some kind of marriage vows, right? Maybe even written your own? Some kind of mutual agreement?
Was cheating literally specified? Or some kind of open relationship agreement?

Most Aspie brains can comprehend 0 and 1. Yes or No. To cheat or not to cheat. Follow the rules or not.
Actions lead to consequences.
Good actions > good consequences. Bad actions > bad consequences.

It is ALSO your house! Why should YOU be the one the leave?

Do you have kids? In that case I can imagine even more that YOU wouldn't like to be the one to be chased out of her home and prefer being able to be with her kids.

He made his bed. Now he needs to lay in it. ALONE!

There have to be some kind of consequences to his behavior.

Wtf, he is angry? f**k that! YOU also have all the right to be angry!

(from an Aspie point of view the emotions might be more complex like a mixture of shame, guilt that he hurt you, angry that he feels trapped somehow by monogamy, angry that he has to give up the special interest like the ego boosting attention from other women, mourning for no longer being able to feed some kind of sexual desire or freedom to play, feeling like a failure that he can't relate/conform to your standards or society's standards and maybe a million other thing, who knows)

You can only forgive when you can empathize and also when he paid his dues.

But YOU are the only one that right now knows what those dues should be.

When you both calm down, the chances are that some kind of mutual 'payment' can be exchanged.
He made a booboo.
You probably also made a booboo by reinforcing some kind of behavior.
You are both the victim AND the offender.

Repairs and trust can only be rebuilt when you both know what you both need and how to achieve that. From a place of peace instead from a place of whatever feeling.

You may come to the conclusion that your needs are not compatible. Or that the price is too high. The energy on BOTH sides must be there in order to provide not only self-care but also relationship care.
Did you read this article?
http://www.aspiestrategy.com/2012/11/as ... enter.html

Having AS doesn't give anyone the excuse to behave like an AS S.

Ok these are lots of words...
Hope that helps.

Ow 1 thing communication wise: try music. I used to send all kind of songs to DH to make my point.
Some of my favorites:






Or pictures




Take good care

And I keep telling him that. From what I have read a lot of aspies can have meltdowns with out being abusive.
I think the thing that hurts the most is that he still will admit to doing something and going back tonight. The other thing that hurts the most is before we got married I told him if he ever got bored I would do whatever it took to spice up our relationship as long as he was honest with me and just asked anyway he was comfortable for what he needed.
And the hours since you and I have talked I have found flower deliveries and hotel stays and all sorts of things that I was not privy to.
If he still refuses to admit that he's done anything then I guess I have no other option but to leave.
We could've done anything he wanted together and we could've move forward if he was just honest.
Funny to think that an Aspie could break the heart of a girl so profoundly. I was always told for the most part Aspies were pretty loyal.
And my husband was too until the times got rough

So sorry sweetie many hugs!! !

Sounds like you've encountered a particular bad apple Good riddance! Hope you have 'leave well'.

Please feel free to pm me if you'd like any kind of support or just to safely vent

Thank you, I actually might take you up on that