A strange kind of attraction

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I have heard that it's a huge turn off to tell people about your problems and the negative experiences you've had when you are trying to date them. I feel like I'm almost the opposite though because when I hear about someone elses bad experiences it sometimes actually causes me to become physically attracted to them, especially if it's something I can relate to.

Last edited by slw1990 on 27 Sep 2016, 11:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I dont find that to be strange at all.

Many people get attracted to each other based upon identification with each other/shared experiences.

Actually, this might be one of the most common reasons for people to get together.

It's happened to me a few times.

I admire people who struggle against difficulties, so if someone has a disability, or a misfortune, or some other kind of problem, and they are still struggling against it, that makes them attractive and I tend to think highly of them, even if (in a worldly sense) their successes may be limited.

I second that. You've worded it well.

Yes there is a certain strength to be admired in a person who keeps going against the odds.

I can feel more like they are a kindred spirit. I don't think I can relate to people who just breeze through life. They tend to lack empathy as well. They just assume that everyone has it as easy as they do and don't bother trying to understand say depression or struggling to find a job in a bust economy.

On the other hand I don't like complainers who blame other people for their problems. There is a line. If someone is always going on and on about how bad they think other people are then I walk away.

I also feel put off by both of these things.

I know a lot of people do try to find someone who they can relate to so that they can get along better. What I mean is that it can make me feel physically attracted to someone if I hear about their personal issues.

I sense it's because you feel a sort of "maternal instinct."

I see that in lots of women.

I've got a ton of things to complain about in that case.

In my experience, most women don't, whether friends or dates, they so quickly are like 'stop whining' , 'you're too negative'...

They like men listen to their complains.

But the opposite? Not at all.

I don't like listening to people complain unless they are trying to problem solve or they say from the get go that they only want to vent and would like a listening ear. I don't mind in those cases. I get it people need to blow off steam sometimes and that they like having a sounding board or whatever.

I do like hearing about difficulties people have gone through in life. Historically, I have never been attracted to a person who didn't have a lot of crap happen to them in life. I have no idea how to relate to people who had a smooth sailing type of existence. Plus, I frighten 'normal' types. The one's who have been through stuff seem to be better equipped to deal with me.

Generally, it's not physical things that I find attractive in others. Maybe how they carry themselves, but mostly it comes down to intelligence, personality, sense of humor, something about their attitude, things like that. I never thought much before on how I do seem to flock to people with issues like a moth to the flame, but I do. Hm. I do find something beautiful in people who have or have had difficulties in life.

I feel like this is a problem for me because when you meet people they don't usually do that. I mean, I'm on a dating site, but I don't really feel that attracted to the guys on there. I thought I would though because I really do want a boyfriend.

Ditch such impossible standards (guys telling you of their difficulties from the first exchange on dating site, at this stage you still a stranger person to them- not their shrink)

and just ....start dating. Use your gender's advantange at dating sites (ratio, filtering received messages...etc) and meet the ones you feel they're potentials.

You'll not feel the attraction behind the screen, to dig deeper you need to meet the person - you are seeking for something impossible online from the start.

Otherwise you'll stay single.

I'm the same way OP. I have disabilities & issues besides my Aspergers & I was more attracted to people who had things. My girlfriend has disabilities & issues & we get along really well for the most part. She understands me & accepts me better than anyone else ever has.

i don't think i can be attracted to a girl if i don't know of any issues of her own that she's aware of/admits she has. it's like people don't count as people to me otherwise, women included. visually attractive maybe, but still not people. everybody has issues, but most people consider that only others do (at least until it's somehow socially convenient for them to admit or invent an issue, but not actually face it themselves). that means i'll be judged according to standards that don't take my perspective into account if i get involved in any way

i disagree. i know of several people from the forum where i used to post who ended up together in real life despite not living in the same area or country (i'm an example of that). not that i would necessarily recommend it though. attraction may be easier, but sustainable substance is probably more complicated. because there has to be some kind of positive/fun/lightweight thing shared in the relationship, and the initial bonding and attraction doesn't give you that. i saw my relationship as something to devote myself to, but my ex saw it as more like a medication to take when she was feeling bad. which, really, is unsurprising

Ill be careful what i say then as you will likely fall deeply in love with me! hehe

Yes with some people it is a turn off:

But jokes a side ( sort of! lol) I also think because many on the spectrum seem to have their own vulnerabilities that when someone else opens up in these areas it not only shows a form of honesty and are blunt with their issues so therefore becomes easier to relate, we are in fact falling for a reflection of ourselves in the other person, i have mentioned Jungs theory about this before. Also many spectrumites are good problem solvers and like certain challenges and i think this is no different because the irony is i am similar. I will often be attracted to those that show a vulnerable side to them as i am able to relate somewhat. I personally dont think there is anything wrong with this, however i have realized over time that i cant heal the person but only give them personal advice of which is up to them if they choose to listen or relate to such conversations. Also yes i also think theres a maternal side to many people not just on the female side. I also think this is a great trait to have its just finding the right boundaries. It shows the depth of integrity of such an individual, my thought is that i wish there were more people like yourself in the world! Dont change! Your sense of caring is an amazing trait to have! Its just finding the ones that can appreciate such a gift!

For most negativity, even subtly, is a turn off, guys find this out from experience and they learn to bottle it up all while dating.

I have even learned that from some non-dating prospect females, including some WP female members (hmmm, that's a poignant hint, yes)....who don't like it at when I am negative (when I am feeling negative).

"Talking about feelings"...yeah riiiight (sarcastic), "talking about feelings" actually means= only when these feelings are positive, positive stories...or when they're about the girl's negative feelings / troubles.

All i will say to this is that this is not true in every case including my own. Even though i didnt physically date anyone from the dating site we have remained good acquaintances since that time. My 'best friend acquaintance' met his partner online and when they met just started from where they finished off online and still going strong after 12 years and two kids.

So no, saying it is impossible is stating that everyone is like that when its obvious it isnt, so therefore is a severely flawed logic. However for your own individual personality and experience it might be the case but certainly isnt any way a reflection of my own and many other peoples experiences.