Breaking up (advice?)

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I'll try not to be too wordy.

I first "met" my girlfriend on here a couple years ago, and she is also an aspie, though she is less functional than I am. She has been living with me for almost a year. Basically, I'm the one with income, I pay the rent etc., and in return she keeps the apartment clean, takes care of our two cats, and does laundry.

I have no problem with this arrangement, as I understand her difficulty in getting a job, especially with no drivers license, no prior work experience and physical health issues that cause her to have low energy.

Initially she told me she considers herself to be gender queer, but more recently she told me she likely will want to transition at some point, by taking male hormones and possibly undergoing surgery. I have no problem with this, but I'm not attracted to men, so I can't see that working out. We talked about that a little, but it never became a serious discussion about our relationship.

Even if that wasn't the case, I also just feel like our relationship isn't really going anywhere, and I think we'd both be better off in the long run going our separate ways. I care about her, but the more I consider it the more it seems like breaking up is the right call.

The problem is that she is kind of dependent on me, and her closest family lives 12 hours away, maybe more. So if I were to tell her all this right now, I don't even know where she'd be going or how she'd get there with all her stuff, let alone how long it would take.

I'm also just unsure of this in general because I've never broken up with anyone before, as she is my first girlfriend. I have no idea how she will react. But I don't think waiting is a great choice either, because at some point it just becomes deception.

So I'm kind of at a loss on what to do. It seems there's very little chance this is going to work out smoothly.

I don't think she will see this post, since she hasn't been on here for months. I would have asked somewhere else, but I specifically wanted to ask other aspies who might be more understanding to the situation, so any advice would be appreciated.

This is a hard one.

I'm not attracted to men, either---so I wouldn't want to have a relationship with a person who's gone from women to man.

Does she have still have feelings for you?

I would say, in the short term, that the best arrangement might be for her to remain in your place, cleaning up and doing the laundry. This sees like a beneficial arrangement, somehow.

And, perhaps, maintain a friendship instead of an intimate relationship

In history, there have been successful arrangements like this.

However, this might preclude you from finding a suitable woman who is more your speed.

In the long run, it would probably be best if she would find a way to be independent from you.

I wouldn't want her to continue living with me if we are broken up. That seems likely to lead to problems.

Which is why this is difficult, because no matter what it seems like she will have to stay here for a while, and it's not like I can just kick her out. So basically I'd have to wait around for her to take control of the situation and start contacting her family, and I wouldn't really be able to do much except nag her about it, which I don't want to do.

And maybe she would take control, but I'm not sure. Up until recently I was pretty much decided on moving when my lease expires, and so she was going to have to move whether we were breaking up or not.

I informed her of this with a ton of advance, and basically all she did was think about it, even though she only really has three options, and already seemed decided on one. But if I asked her if she'd called her family to talk about what she wanted to do, she would always have a reason she hasn't called yet, like "my phone has no minutes", or even just "I forgot." And yet she could call anytime, even right after I ask her, using my phone that I'm holding out to her. So clearly she was avoiding it, consciously or not.

So I'm basically worried about that situation, but combined with breaking up, which clearly won't improve it.

I agree with kraftie, this is really a hard one to handle.

It seems you've already discussed it and asked her to get in touch with her family about it, but she's dragging her feet about calling them.

She's probably in denial about the reality of what you're asking, and she's hoping you don't really mean it. The only thing I can suggest is to have a sit-down talk with her again; be gentle and caring, it doesn't have to be an argument, but tell her more clearly that this is genuinely where you see things heading, but that you don't want to leave her high and dry without a roof over her head, so it's very important that she starts toward making other arrangements right now, so that those are in place when the time comes to actually move out.

She needs time to get another situation in place, with the help of her family, and you are giving her that time, but she really must "get on it."

Are you in touch with her family yourself? Would it be comfortable to you and to them, and to her, if you called them and had a word? That's a very tricky one but I'm thinking if, for example, you were friendly with her brother or cousin or someone, and it wouldn't seem odd for you to share with them what's going on and that you're concerned your girlfriend makes arrangements and gets their help.

There's one thing you should do: Inform her that you will not continue to "see" her when she becomes a man.

I really hope she decides to do the right thing. Most of the time, people do the right thing in these situations.

DON'T TELL HER THIS....but there is a law in Missouri which states that you have to give a roommate 30 days notice before you can legally evict her. It's weird...but it's the law. You can look it up, too.