It's tough for us too . . .

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At the risk of being shot down in flames, I would like to ramble on a bit about the difficulties of being an NT female with strong feeling for an Aspie man. We are both mature adults who have had relationships before. Although for my Aspie man his relationship ended with them living completely separate lives under the same roof.
I am not someone who is desperate for a relationship, I have plenty of friends etc etc. My attraction to this man was due to his personality, wit and intelligence. There was an attraction and feeling that he understood me and we had a lot in common.
Skip forward to now almost 18 months later. My feelings remain the same. I adore him and would do almost anything to make him happy. If he says there is something he wants or like I will buy it as a gift ( he never expects this) I arrange tickets, make things that he sometimes needs in connection with one of his special interests. Will drive to deliver and pick up if he needs help. I arrange the picnics etc on our days out, and although he does always offer to contribute I am very happy to do this. He does not drive so I always drive on our adventures, that he tends to organise, and are always fun and interesting.
However I find it so difficult to work out how he feels about me. I am programmed in my neurotypical way to expect reciprocation. If I ask for hugs he gives me wonderful long hard hugs that seem to go on for ever. Very occasionally he will kiss my face or hold my hand. He tells me he cares, and that I am special, kind and lovely.
He gives me gifts , has taken me out for meals and bought me chocolates and flowers. He also arranged a wonderful treat for my birthday that took a fair amount of organisation on his part, and that he kept secret from me.
However most of the time he does not touch me or show affection. He says he cares but cannot say if it is the same as how I care, as he would not know what that is. He does not tend to do so much for me as I do for him. So it can sometimes feel very one sided. If I ask him straight for certain things sometimes he will do them, but often not. If I mention something I had asked for and he hasn't done, he will usually say "oh crap I forgot I will make it up to you"
If I try to ask him directly - are we more than friends? Do you like to hug me? He avoids the questions avidly. A sudden problem will crop up at work etc (if we are communicating by text) if we are face to face he will tend to say "I do get it I really do, and it's all ok" and hug me hard and kiss my head. . . . . .

I guess I just wish there was a way that he could show me how he feels for me. I often say it's ok if he doesn't care for me in such an intense way it's not a crime but I would rather know. His answer is always "I do care you donut"
Am I expecting too much. Is this the way a relationship with an Aspie tends to be. I am not unhappy about anything other than the feeling of insecurity and uncertainty I get when trying to work out his feelings for me.
In my defence I use this forum rather than ones more specifically for partners of aspies as I despise the way they act as if their Aspie partners are broken or deficient in some way. I love my friend just the way he is, but need to find a way to stop my insecurity . . . .. . . ..
all thoughts welcome, but be gentle . . .. . . .

If he stops saying, "I care, you donut," then I'd be concerned.

That is his way of saying, "I love you, and want to spend the rest of my life with you."

You're a patient woman in my opinion for even seeking out these answers. I commend that.

All I can speak of is from my failed marriage. One of the reasons it failed was because of emotional coldness, she contributed to this too with her own issues, but that was the crux of it all. In retrospect I could see where eventually she gave up because of my lack of expression... thing is I loved her, and still do more than anything.

Moral of the story is, his actions, or lack thereof may not be indicative of his true feelings.

The dodging the direct questioning of commitment I could see as troubling. I mean, the 'forgetting' and all that, is unfortunately to be expected, avoiding PDA-- expected. But being asked directly a question and avoiding it, tha I am unsure of what to say. Seems if he did have those feelings for you, he may have a hard time expressing it, and given the encouragement to do so, I'd think he'd do it. But I only know how I'd think.

You already know what I think from our many conversations, but I'll post it here, just because. I think he is showing you he cares, in the only way he knows how, and he is telling you he cares in the best way he can. Everyone is different, and you can either do one of two things, accept it as it is, and stop looking for more, or move on from it, if you cannot accept that this is all you're going to receive from him. I think Kraftie again is correct.

Thanks people . . .. . .i hear you Bridgette but I have times when I accept it and then the insecurity creeps in again. It becomes a circular thing. So I begin to think should I walk away but that seems such a shame . . . .. . I guess I have posted here because I wondered if other aspies had a view on whether I am being unfair or not. Am I expecting too much. . . .. . . . . Anyway I have withdrawn from him for a few days. I just need space to try and work out whether this friendship is healthy for us or becoming unhealthy due to me possibly needing something he is unable or unwilling to give . . . .. #bigheartfeltsigh

Not as tough for you, OP, as it is to live as a neurodiverse person in an NT world, believe me. We live with the "tyranny of normal" every day, in countless ways. You can leave your relationship. We can't leave cultures of prejudice, however.

Sweetie big hug

I will respond later in length, but just know you are not alone. And I'm an Aspie or neurodiverse woman in a marriage for over a decade with DH who is Aspie.

Let's kick with a question: do you have your own full life outside the relationship? A life full of social connections and reprocity? People that you can hug and love and they love you back? In a friendship platonic kind of way?

More later

Thanks Sweetie, yes I do. I have a very full life outside of this friendship. I go out to gigs and to festivals with a group of friends. Other friends that I meet one to one for heartfelt talks and chips! I have been away on holiday with another friend this year. And I have a fulfilling job with great colleagues. Lots of love and hugs I am lucky . . . .so my life does not revolve around this man but maybe my heart does . . . . . X x

Sweetie, turns out the day slipped away from me with little time left for WP...

But I did have a quick read through your post history and now I am not so sure if I can provide you with anything useful Most things have been said to you in the past and especially with your complicated history, I just don't know what I can say or ask without getting too intrusive.

It just sounds more complicated than by just reading your OP and my words wouldn't do your struggle justice.

What I do know from my own struggles is that I now especially concentrate on me finding peace with own feelings of insecurity or whatever loss/loneliness/struggle/desire I feel rather than understanding or imposing my state of heart/mind onto DH.
Especially as my man has severe alexithymia which is so deeply embedded in his personality that asking for accommodations on my behalf would be like asking him to change sexes for me....

Bottom line, I think I'll just shoot you a pm when I have more time. If I forget please remind me by pm-ing me. Hugs

Thank you . . . .. sorry if I am repeating myself. Just it's the one thing that keeps tripping us up. So I just want to make sure I'm not missing something. I think this is me rather than him, and I just have to handle my intensity better. Do drop me a pm if you have time. Always good to get others perspective . . .take care

Wait so your just friends?

Then I wouldn't expect much physical touch.
I crave physical touch, but I'd only do it with a gf. I don't like being touched by others. And female friends who are just friends would add all kinds of anxiety over them feeling inappropriately touched.

But then you say you hang out a lot doing things that sound more like a couple stuff. So I'm quite confused 0.o

Some aspies don't like touch with anyone. I can't fully understand that but it is what it is. I'm quite strange when it comes to aspies.

Hi Sly
Thanks for your reply. Yes it's confusing . . . .. we are v good friends but not a couple. Thanks for sharing your perspective. He is fine when it is just us together and happily gives hugs. I am feeling better. Realise a lot of this is my insecurity and he does everything he can to show me he cares.

I sense that this is more than just a "friendship" with you. I sense you want something more. Usually, people speak of "insecurities" like you describe when they are in romantic relationships.

And there seems to be a sensual element to your relationship which never occurred when I was friends with a woman.

Thank you for your response to my post. I hope it may encourage you that I have an NT daughter (very NT) who has been married to an AS man for sixteen years, (they lived together for two years before that). There were things neither of them understood until they learned the nature of their essential, intrinsic differences. Every year since, their relationship has grown stronger and happier. Mutual respect, mutual acceptance, and mutual affection grew stronger as they knew better.