Okay... this needs to be said, or I'm going to explode...

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For the last four years, I have been net-buddies with a girl I met on Comixfan.com, Stephanie. We met for the first time in 2005, when we spent a weekend at a comics convention in Bristol. Last year, we spent another two days together in London, when we went to a concert and then spent the following day going to some museums. Both times we really enjoyed each other's company and had a really great time together. Sounds good, right?

Not really. See, she'd already guessed I'd had more-than-friendly feelings for her, given my less-than-subtle, incredibly clumsy actions after our first meeting (I indicated a clear desire to hang out with her again, basically), and prised a reluctant, highly-embarrassed confession out of me over dinner. But that's not the worst part of it. Oh no.

The worst part of it was that she told me that she'd recently been having feelings for a female workmate, and had realised/decided/etc that she was gay, thus adding her to the list of "I know how to pick 'em" girls that seems to be lengthening with every instant that passes. She also told me that she didn't see this affecting our friendship, which was why she'd invited me to the concert despite knowing I was head-over-heels for her. I thought I was fine with it, as I'd expected to be rejected if I said anything anyway (and I didn't want to say anything, anyway, because I was terrified she'd file me under "internet freak" and never speak to me again)... and then the time came for us to say goodbye. Once I couldn't see her, I completely fell apart. I spent the rest of the evening wandering around like a zombie and trying desperately not to cry, and then spent the majority of the following day actually crying. Hell, when my mother came home from work, I spent ten minutes clinging to her and sobbing like a five-year-old.

I'd never done that over a woman before. Ever. So you can imagine how painful I found it, because it was all completely new to me, and I had no idea why I was so broken-up inside.

I still haven't got over her, for the most part. The sheer fact that being around her made me feel more comfortable with myself and more... more alive than I have done in absolutely years really hasn't helped.

Which brings me, in a roundabout sort of way, to this year. I'm going to the Bristol convention again, and (barring any unforeseen circumstances) I will be meeting her again, as well as a friend from another board. I'm sure that I'll be fine around her while she's there... it's when she leaves that I anticipate the problems starting. I hope I don't dissolve the way I did last year, but I really hope I don't do something really stupid in order to preserve my dignity. I don't want to push her away, certainly, but I don't want to keep hurting myself either...

Oy. This is the reason why I've generally steered clear of relationships for the most part. All I ever seem to do is dig myself a giant cesspit, fill it with the worst kind of crap I can find, and then take a good long swim in it

i feel for you!

you know, Alex has the answer to why you are feeling like this on the front page of WP. Its the limerence factor, and the seratonin that is released ( your good feelings about yourself) you can get addicted to it, and it can cause OCD issues.
yeah, it seems it is emotions and the love of your life, but please, please believe me. I have suffered ( and it IS SUFFERING, there is no doubt to that) by not knowing what was happening to me. Only because I am older than you, I suffered through marriages, divorces, court orders. . .oh, please read the article, MrSinister. Save yourself from a lifetime of suffering, I beg you. I learned late in life and when I think of the suffering I could have avoided, had I known..

I wish you the best, dear and my heart goes out to you.


Merle

I think I'm heading down that road already



I believe you, most definitely. Every time my mind has tried to get me to use the L-word, I have been adamant in refusing to do so, because I know exactly where that leads.

Ridicule and embarrassment are two things I could do without at this point, to be honest...



I think I've read the article before, but a refresher did help. It sounded very familiar, too



Thank you so much for your kind words - I'll keep them in mind.

I know exactly what you mean. When you´ve been in the dark for so long, its hard to just accept a taste of the light. If you´re only allowed to be in the sun for a few minutes every year, its easier to just stay in the dark rather than tease yourself.

Indeed. This is why becoming a monk has been looking more and more like a serious career option these days...

You'd really want to be a monk, just for the sake of trying to get away from it all?

Sure, why not? It's not like I'm a stranger to long periods of solitude and contemplation, after all...

I always wanted to be a priest.
A couple of reasons:

I look good in a cassock.

You meet all kinds of hot women that way.

Someone asked me when i was younger what i wanted to do after education.
I said, "be a monk". I thought i was being sarcastic at the time, but maybe i wasn't.

I know how to pick 'em too.

Well, the weekend came and went, and did so far better than I was expecting. I did feel a bit drained and down after Stephanie left (she could only stay one day, which was very sucky indeed), but nowhere near as bad as I did the last time I said goodbye to her. Which was a huge relief. I didn't beg her to stay (although I did express a wish that she could have stayed a bit longer, which I thought was pretty reasonable considering the relatively short length of time we had together) or make a fool of myself, either, so that was also a relief.

The best thing was we had a great time, which reaffirmed why I like her company so much. Hopefully I can continue on this path, and maybe the wounds will heal sooner rather than later...