Sensory defensiveness and dating

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Like some other aspies, I have sensory defensiveness, which makes all my senses interpret the world in a really extreme and often uncomfortable fashion. Any given experience can be potentially overstimulating. This makes it so that there are a lot of experiences that I really just, well, don't like to do. This makes it difficult to make friends, because a lot of people find it hard to relate to someone who doesn't enjoy partying or beer or drugs or really really loud music or most food or roller coasters or heights in general, etc. etc. etc. SD isn't something that can be cured; you live with it your whole life. Occupational Therapists can make certain things better sometimes, but I saw one and she didn't help me at all.

As far as relationships go this topic is even thornier. For example, many people kind of take it for granted that they'll be able to go to a resteraunt with their boyfriend and have him eat something there, but my taste buds are so sensitive that I can't tollerate eating 90% of what's out there. It doesn't end with food either, it's anything sensory, and if all of my senses are overwhelmed at once, than I can be unpleasant to be around. I can't help it if I can't enjoy something, and I can't help experiencing the world the way that I do.

Problem is I'm also someone who's hopelessly obsessed with finding a lover, someone who could actually understand all of this s**t...and that's a problem, because there really aren't too many people who COULD put up with it all. To many, it doesn't matter what I have to give to a relationship if I'm unwilling to give so much more--and I understand that completely. Is it unreasonable for me to desire a relationship that I know would be at times very unpleasant?

I don't think its unreasonable to want a relationship. It will just take longer to find the right person. Just make sure you are forthcoming early on with what your limitations are so the other person understands what's going on. They may reject you then but that just means they weren't the right person for you. There are definitely people out there that don't care about going out to eat, going to loud shows or partying, etc. Actually your best bet might be to seek out another Aspie - because they would be more likely to understand your issues and have some of the same.

Anyway I can relate to what you're going through - I have trouble with a lot of that sensory stuff too. It has become a problem sometimes in my relationship when my girlfriend doesn't understand it but we are working it out.

I think that's great advice.

Veresae - your experience sounds exactly like me! I now have a really great boyfriend, but I had problems in the past both with friends and boyfriends because, like you, I couldn't cope with restaurants and pubs because of the noise and smells and I can't cope with crowds at all - so going into town during busy times is impossible and using public transport is something I only do when I absolutely have to.

In fact, going out at all can be difficult, sometimes impossible for me.

The friends I have (I only have a few) are other people who understand this. For example, mature students at my university who had 'grown out' of the need to go to parties and pubs and clubs all the time and were just looking for nice people to chat with and spend time with. I also have friends who felt excluded for other reasons - disability, ethnicity etc - we got talking because we had isolation in common, and some of these people I got on with really well and am still friends witih today.

As for boyfriends, I got treated badly by previous boyfriends who were basically looking from someone vulnerable to take advantage of. Because of the 'social naiveity' of AS, I didn't realise, even though it was obvious to everyone else!

My boyfriends also couldn't 'cope' with me. They couldn't deal with girlfriend who had panic attacks and needed a little extra help and support.

My current boyfriend is great. He understands my 'issues' because his best friend of 16 years is also an aspie (they have even house-shared in the past, so he understands the reality of living with AS 24/7). He has mental health problems (depression, anxiety) and also a mild speech impedement, so he can understand what it is like to find the world a really scary place.

Neither he or me is interested in going to restaurants or pubs - which is great as I don't have to 'justify' why I can't go to these places. We both prefer going out to quieter places, such as art galleries, museums, visiting villages and walking in the country, going climbing etc. As we both suffer from panic attacks, if one of us has an attack, the other is always understanding, and knows what to do (and what not to do) to help get through it.

We both have difficulty speaking when anxious (I can get temporary mutism!) so we use the sign alphabet to communicate. My sensory overload means that sometimes I need periods of 'silence' to 'recover' or I need to be not touched for a while - and he understands that. Many people wouldn't!

So, I guess you need to find someone who really understands you. This might be someone who has AS, or a comparable issue such as mental health problems or ADHD or whatever. You need to find someone who appreciates you for who you are, rather than just someone who views you in terms of the things you find difficult.

Finding the right person takes time- whether you have AS or not. I think that it may take longer to find the right person if you have something like AS because there are more issues to take into consideration - but that certainly doesn't mean that it's impossible.

I went through the phase of being obsessed with finding someone to love me - and finally I have found someone, despite having had disasterous previous relationships, and despite believeing (and being told by other people!) that no-one would want someone 'like me' and that someone 'like me' was unloveable.

You know what? IT'S RUBBISH. I am not unloveable and neither are you. I found someone (eventually, but it was worth the wait) and I am sure that one day you will find the right person too.

I wish you well.

I don't think it's unreasonable, although prepare yourself that it might not be easy.

I have alot of the same sensory issues also, it makes it tough...because it can be really hard for people to understand why something that doesn't bother them in the least...bothers you so much.

Just beware of partners with a hidden desire to "cure" you...I made this mistake...his hidden efforts to "cure" me made things far worse than they needed to be at times, and his anger at every failure on my part to just "get used to things" just grew and grew.

My husband had to deal with all of these in the beginning and my bizarre eating habits as well. I'll just give you some of the highlights.


If he touched me when I wasn't expecting it, I'd scream, then cry.

If he was looming over me (he's a foot taller so this was easy enough to do), I'd become overwhelmed quickly and have a panic attack. Most of those caused me to end up in the corner, huddled up and shaking.

If we went to a movie opening where people had to stand and wait in the lobby, I'd hyperventilate and pass out.

If we went into a grocery store with all the smells and people, I'd have to run out.

If we went to a restaurant that was at all crowded or had smells I didn't like, I'd get up and leave. If I made it past that, I would usually pick at the food because I only like a few things and they have to be cooked just so or I won't eat them.

If we went anywhere like Home Depot or Lowe's, I became physically ill from the smells and had a three day migraine.



He went through all of these over the almost 27 years we've been together and we knew nothing about AS. He had no idea what was causing it at first, but he worked his way through it like he was debugging a system and figured out that my brain would just go haywire occasionally. He also had to deal with my lack of emotion, especially emotional attachment and empathy, my complete lack of ability to read body language and eyes, my inability to read between the lines with anything he said, my "social exhaustion" when I would have to sleep after any social interaction, my social naivte, etc. All of it. Night terrors, you name it. He went through it all and he did it before Lorna Wing had even translated Asperger.

I had probably about 30 disastrous dates over the period of a year and a half before I met him. An old boyfriend actually found him for me. They were fraternity brothers of all things! The deal was that he liked my mind. We do go to bookstores, museums, art shows, etc. for fun. He is extremely quiet at home even if he is NT. He's very analytical and works in technology. He can talk about anything I'm interested in and he'll research it with me. He loves to read like I do, so he reads all the things I read about my current interests, then discusses them. We have, and always had, the same interest in music, books and life in general. In some ways we are vastly different. He will organize company sports teams and the company picnic. Who would ever think someone like that would like an Aspie? But, he does. He's probably my biggest advocate. He doesn't want shrinks poking around in my head and he doesn't want me running around trying interventions. We've arranged our life not to overload me and he's found other ways to get his social fixes. Once in awhile I go out with a group of friends we have in common. Some are his normal friends who are used to me and don't care if I get tired and wander off and others are my friends who are highly eccentric and talk about interests, not small talk. They can deal with my issues without freaking out.

So, I wouldn't give up. I didn't think I'd ever find anyone either, in fact, I found the whole dating thing incredibly annoying. I was just convinced that the whole mess was not for me and I was too "different." You just never know what works. Not everyone is a social butterfly that will insist you go out. Maybe I'm his safe place where he can relax and be himself. Maybe that's what you'll be. All I can say is that if I could find someone with all my issues and no knowledge of AS, you have more than a chance of finding someone as well. Look for someone quiet and intellectual. Go to the places where such a person would be - the library, a book store, or a concert in the park. Look for someone who is highly intelligent and eccentric. Look for a geek. There are plenty of NTs who were not the popular kids and don't like going out either. They're called homebodies. That's what you want.

Good luck and don't despair. If I found one, anyone can!

Can relate to much of what ZanneMarie, girl7000, and Veresae wrote.
During the times I've been "single", I've always been thoroughly convinced I'd never find anyone for me. During the times I've been part of a couple, I've been completely amazed at my good fortune & still sure that if that relationship ended, I'd not find another.
On paper, I sound like a not-so-good girlfriend (what with all my intense sensory issues & "can't"s), yet somehow a few guys have found me appealing. Having only gotten dx in recent years, I managed to have relationships before that, and my personality had no label to explain. Have been married (and divorced), my current relationship is going well.
Wish I had advice for how to meet likely candidates for dates. I haven't even really been on "dates", just met someone because another person I knew introduced me & then we started to hang out together & it went on from there. I've been lucky to meet the few folks I have in the ways that I did, because I can't deal with social throngs, crowds of yelling people in loud public places, the "bar scene". Nor can I stand eating at restaurants because I hate their food. My boyfriend is a "foodie" person, but he can cope with my being quite the opposite.

I think that ladybugs are my favorite,
though it's a close call against praying mantis's