An aspie girl into me?

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I've known this girl for a good while now, we often stumble upon each other at mutual student bar evenings. She usually doesn't approach me but only when late into the evening. However, she has a habit of staring at me from afar. It's hard to make what to think of it. I mean, she's spending the evening with her friends, but keeps looking at me to the other side of the bar. I wonder what her friends think of this. Usually she approaches me by ending up near me, so there's no way for me to miss noticing her. She usually does this when I'm alone, but sometimes she does this even when I'm talking to other people. It's very cute and I'm fairly sure she's interested.

We've also hung out one on one for extented periods of time (several hours or more), but this is extremely rare and happens only around once a year. One time when we were hanging out, she was standing there right in front of me, facing me. We were both a bit drunk and she was scanning my eyes and occasionally glancing at my lips. I was really close to kissing her that time, but the only reason I didn't do it was because...

She's in a relationship.

I sometimes think what she sees in me, knowing that she's already in a relationship. But now, that I'm probably going to get diagnosed as aspergers, I think I know the answer.
She sees another aspie in me.
The thing is, I'm not completely sure whether she's an aspie, but there is some indication to this.

- Social awkwardness (in a quirky way though)
- She's quite shy and doesn't like crowds and loud noises
- She sometimes takes jokes literally when spoken by an unfamiliar person.
- Some slight repetitive tendencies, for example staring at me for long period of times from another end of the room. When I notice her, she doesn't react in any way, just continues to stare.
- She seems to want to know almost everything about me. Lol the firing of questions is endless when we're together : D She's very upfront with her questions, to the point that they sometimes make me awkward.
Whether her boyfriends an aspie or NT, I have no clue, I don't know him that well.

I get the feeling that the boyfriend's somewhat wary of me but this girl wants me as a friend at least. In any way, her boyfriend's attitude and the fact that she's in a relationship is the reason why I've not hung out with her more, even though she's sometimes invited me out to spend time with her in a group setting.
I don't want a conflict after all.


What do you think?

Last edited by Nordperger on 22 Oct 2017, 9:23 am, edited 4 times in total.

Sounds like a bit of a slapper. Enter at your own risk.

I'm thankful for your advice but I ask you not to refer to her by such a degrading word.

This sounds like a difficult situation. I think there's probably more to this than you could write, however my feeling is that you're not looking for advice but rather confirmation. As an example, which of the following pieces of advice make you feel best:

What do you think?

You're right in a way that this is a situation that has been pondering me for a longer time and I've thought about the multiple options regarding to it.

You're proposing two options here, either staying as a friend or helping her get out of the relationship. However, if she would've truly liked to get out of her current relationship, she would've done it by now. That, or she's only willing to break up, knowing that there's a genuine relationship to be waiting right around the corner after it. I cannot say for sure though.


I do have feelings for this girl but I don't want to be a relationship breaker. Thus I'd much as likely stay simply as a friend. But it isn't that easy either - as you wrote, the situation is difficult. I fear that if I put myself into her orbit more easily, she continues to stretch the limits regarding her boyfriend. There's already been at least one scenario where all I wanted was a casual, friendly hangout at a local event, but she quickly turned it into a "her choosing me vs her choosing the bf"-type of a scenario. All it took was one phone call by her to her boyfriend. This makes me wonder if she's truly friend material. I don't want to be a tool to test her boyfriend.

The fact she’s getting drunk with and flirting with a single guy is terrible. How would you feel if she was your girlfriend and was doing that with a single guy? What kind of person is she??

I’m sorry, but I cannot for the life of me see why you think what she’s doing means she isn’t worthy of the slapper title.

Also shame on you for encouraging it. If a dating guy came on to me I’d tell him pretty quickly to get a grip. I wouldn’t meet him one on one either, it’s disrespectful.

Wrong wrong wrong wrong. Don't fall for this sort of thing. Right now you are thinking with your dick. You need to think clearly.

She’s in a relationship. Shouldn’t that tell it all?

She's almost certainly not an aspie.
She IS attracted to you.
She's playing "lets you and him fight". Trying to draw other contenders into the arena. Trying to see if you're 'worthy' of her (willing to fight).
Essentially sh*t testing.
When she stares at you from afar does she hold eye contact or do her eyes drop down when you return eye contact?
Either way she's definitely into you but if her eyes drop it means she perceives you as 'superior'. But if she holds contact it means she's intending to send a clear message that this relationship is to be entirely on her terms (it's also proof she's the furthest thing in the world from an aspie).

Out of the question.


Then you need to stay way clear of her.

Now if it's just sex you're after then there's a big opportunity here.
But it won't be without considerable risk.

Probably better to get her out of your life. The sooner the better.

It's a shame, but it seems that this person's behaviour isn't going to change any time soon. You might find in a few years that she's calmed down a bit, but for now it seems that she's a bit unpredictable. There is of course a third option:

Especially if she's directly causing these issues:



Also, I think it's worth considering how she might act if you were around other women. Regardless of what you choose to do, I think it's worth remembering that she sees something in you that she likes. This means that other people can do this too.

She flirts with me? Can you point out when this is happening based on my writing, because even though I have a hunch she might be interested, I am not 100 % positive on this. That's why I created this thread, to know more from an outside perspective. The answer I now get is,

"She flirts with you, how can you allow this!?"

How can I allow something that I'm not conscious of in the first place? Yes, we hung out but only rarely and sometimes she behaves a bit weird, but that doesn't mean I have her figured out.




Like I wrote, I didn't know what she was up to, but I now know better for future scenarios. It's okay for a woman to have male friends, but it's not okay to start courting them while you're in a relationship.

Can you elaborate?



Thanks for letting me know. Still, could you elaborate how you deduced this?



Ugh. Not going to happen.



She holds it, and I find it peculiar. Some women drop their eye contact downwards and I've read this is a sign of attraction. Not this girl though, she just stares blankly, sometimes with a side glance. Sometimes when I catch her staring, she doesn't stare at me directly, but stares a bit downward, like she's staring at my chin. No, she doesn't still "drop" her eye contact, but I catch her staring at my chin. Or maybe she's staring at my lips, I don't know.



Wait, doesn't aspies have trouble with social cues? Your argument sounds more complex than simply, "she doesn't know when to stop staring at another person because social cues aren't hardwired into her". Your theory is, "She stares at you because she wants to send a message, which means she's not an aspie". If she's not an aspie, I would say I catch her staring at me just because she finds me curious and that's why she keeps staring, even when I'm chatting with other people across the room. Yes, she could try to be dominant in a relationship, but I wouldn't count on it based just on the way she looks at me. Sorry. Still, it's an interesting theory you shared here.



Not going to be easy since we share similar social circles. I mean, I can't just shoo her away when she friendly approaches me.