Any one been to marriage counselling?

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Well I think we have finally hit rock bottom. I am an aspie and he is NT and after years of having the same argument again and again I have finally relented and agreed to counselling.

So I have two questions:
1. Any Aspie done this before? What happens? Is it as horrific as I imagine and you have to talk about your feelings
2. Am I even doing the right thing? I feel completely numb and don't even know if I want to try to save this marriage?

HELP

what's the argument you have again and again?

So I have two questions:
1. Any Aspie done this before?
Yes

What happens?
You talk

Is it as horrific as I imagine and you have to talk about your feelings
you don't have to do anything. Most therapists are pretty gentle in their approach

2. Am I even doing the right thing?
I don't know. What is the problem in your relationship?

I feel completely numb and don't even know if I want to try to save this marriage?
I can't answer this for you. Do you love him? What happened?

I normally have strong feelings AGAINST marriage counseling, but in your case, I think if you want to save your marriage, you might want to do it.

Normally I just have this advice for guys, but it’s worth sharing and applying to wives as well as husbands. The GOOD news is you WANT to save your marriage. If you can get through this and survive the next 5 years, most likely you’ll make it for life.

The bad news is you may have to really fight this. We need to know more about your situation. But the general rundown is IF your hubby starts divorce proceedings, DO NOT ACCEPT a NFD (no-fault). Just DON’T. You want to reconcile because you love your husband. So you will attack him with paperwork, stalling, delay tactics, negotiate a deal and change your mind, etc. Draw the process out as long as you can, make it painful for him to try to leave you. If he moves out, threaten to sue him for abandonment. If he starts cheating on you, sue him for adultery. Or, heck, he’d have to be crazy to leave a good catch like you, right? So have him committed. A week or two in the psych ward might do him some good. My wife has actually threatened ME with that one, LOL. And let him know he can make all this go away if he just comes back home and honestly makes the effort.

If you have to go toe-to-toe with him, keep your nose clean, draw out proceedings as long as possible, and make every communication you have with him, lawyers, the judge about how you love him and want to reconcile. Do NOT shift away from this approach, and don’t let a lawyer bully you into something else. Keep up the pressure on him and his team to reconcile. If he’s away from you over three months or so, get a private investigator to follow him. He will screw up, it’s only a matter of time.

I usually say that to men about women. Anyone initiating a divorce usually has something to hide, so it applies both ways. But women tend to be more tenacious while men are less patient. You’ll have it much easier trying to catch him in the act of doing something improper. It gives the illusion that women are favored in the courtroom and more easily screw men over. The TRUTH is men have the same rights as you. It’s just that women tend to be more aggressive in pursuing them while men typically are less aware of what their rights actually are. It has a demoralizing effect on men in troubled marriages.

I don’t like to encourage bad behavior. But if you end up heading for divorce, you’ll be fighting a war. War is ugly. War is hell. People get hurt and killed in war. So if you have to fight this war, go all out. Use every resource at hand to destroy his ability and willingness to fight. Then you can reconcile. If he refuses, then demand justice. Clean house. Catching him cheating while separated is the most obvious way to go. Don’t blackmail into a NFD, and don’t accept one if he offers it. Sue him for grounds. Make it ugly. Make it messy. Burn down everything in your path until you either hear what you want to hear from him or the judge rules for you.

I hope it doesn’t go that far. But if it does, be prepared.

No matter what happens, you’re going to make it. We’re here for you. Please keep us updated.

The arguement pretty much centres around my lack of showing him affection, praising him for all the extra effort he puts in (I don't see it so hard to praise), he doesn't feel loved.

I really don't know what to do I feel like he wants me to be a different person but I like who I am. He said he doesn't want me to schedule in a diary to remember things like say something nice lol.

I feel frustrated that his perception is it's all my fault and I am the one that has to change.

I'm getting to the point it's too hard.

I think in such a situation consueling may not be a bad idea. You should both present your viewpoints and try to work it out.
Only make sure the consuelor has knowledge about adult ASD issues.

If you don't schedule things in a diary or find some system to remind you to do nice things, it will be very hard to do it. I think scheduling is excellent, and it is possible that you will learn to do it more spontaneously if you practice it a lot.

He sees is as a question of not caring, but in reality it's a problem of you not understanding how he feels and reacting quickly enough for his liking.

If you want to save this marriage, he has to learn what it means to be autistic.

I've made a habit of learning to say nice things to people. I am middle aged.

As a child I was scared of complimenting people, because they would accuse me of being sarcastic or sucking up to them. I think I was 25 before I dared to start saying nice things to people.

Have him read this for starters:

https://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/10/22 ... ge-part-1/

Thanks for letting us in on what's happening. That's helpful. My advice for marriages and relationships typically assumes the worst and hopes for the best.

Just based on what you've told us, I don't think you're in trouble. I think counseling is going to work in your favor. He has to "learn to be autistic," as someone else put it. Empathy is tricky for us. So bringing in a counselor will probably help you articulate your own position more and help him understand you.

Marriage is tough, even without a form of autism playing a role. That's why it's important for engaged couples to be sure that they're on the same page in all aspects of life. After you get married, you don't want to wake up one day and suddenly not even know who the other person is. You certainly shouldn't ever fight. The idea that "all couples fight" is garbage. My wife and I sometimes DISAGREE, but disagreement doesn't mean hurt feelings or screaming fits. It just means we disagree. It took some time, but we became unified on finances/debt, children, where to live, jobs, church, and so on. We are now like one person in two places filling two roles. She'd been struggling with student loans the last few weeks, which left it up to me to create online accounts in her name and manage them. There was a problem in which the name on her account didn't match any information the fed government had. So I had to go through the process of changing her name. Everything is fixed now, and in 20 days we expect the problems we've been having to go away.

And SHE is the NT in the relationship. I have more time on my hands, so it falls on me to take care of stuff that may involve what most people would consider an invasion of privacy. But because we are unified in everything, she knows everything I'm doing and I make everything I do transparent.

If you're struggling with things, particularly with intimacy, showing emotion, and that sort of thing, a counselor can both help you understand how to meet your husbands needs and how best he can understand you. Don't look at this as punishment. Look at it as getting help. I think everything is going to work out.

But if this is being used as a precursor to divorce, keep my earlier post handy.