NT - this is my first post and need help

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I am seeing a man who is undiagnosed, but according to him (and I definitely think so too) he is on the spectrum and pretty sure he has Aspergers. His dad had a real diagnosis of Aspergers (not sure if it is genetic). Anyway, when he is "on" as I say, he is great. Super attentive, affectionate, sweet, and caring. He has his quirks, but he is the best. He acts as if I am his everything. But when he gets busy at work or is stressed he disappears. Like completely. I mean he will always answer me if I text or call, but he will put no effort out whatsoever when this happens. He can easily go 2 weeks without any sort of contact whatsoever. Is this "normal" for people with Aspergers or who are on the spectrum? As an NT, I don't understand how I can mean so much to him (and I truly believe I do), and him be able to have zero contact during this time. ESPECIALLY when he is busy with a work deadline...it's like just forget even bothering with him. Can people with Aspergers or autism not multi-task? Does it not occur to him to just do a quick check in occasionally? Like "hey, sorry I am so busy. Just thinking of you and hope you are ok." I just don't get it. Please help! ANY insight would be huge for me. This is a fairly new relationship. And I HAVE talked to him about this. He says he understands, but not nearly enough to change the behavior I guess. Maybe he doesn't even realize he does this? Also as a general statement he has asked me to be patient with him. Is this what he means? He said he is always in a delicate state and I need to be patient with him. As an impatient NT, is this a trial for me? Learning how to manage my expectations of how relationships have went in the past with how a relationship is with someone who has Aspergers?

Welcome to WrongPlanet, estout.

To answer your main question; yes, withdrawing from the world like you have described is not unusual for autistic people, though certainly not all of us. You're also right that it is often a sign that the autistic person is under a lot of stress. Because most people's minds work somewhat differently than ours, when we're out in the world, we have to put a huge amount of energy into compensating for the differences; it's like having to translate everything that happens into our own "language" and back again all the time, and we often have a hard time to force our attention onto what we need to do (poor multi-tasking is also not unusual, as you suggested.) All of this is extremely tiring, and can lead to what we call "burn out". It's like some bits of our brains get so over-used that they just stop working and we have to have absolute peace to recover.

I've been in the situation many times where working my job burned me out so much that there was simply no way that I could function socially outside of work - keeping a roof over my head just had to be done, so friends and family lost out. I guess the hardest bit to understand is that, when we're like that, it really can be impossible to handle any communication at all - even reading our texts might be too mentally demanding to handle, and the solitude to recover is necessary so that we can go to work again tomorrow, etc.

Here's a link to an excellent article about autistic burnout that moderator B19 found recently (click here). I suggest that your friend reads this, if he is willing, to see whether what is described there really does match what is happening - even autistic people who are diagnosed often don't realise that this is what's going on. If this is the problem, then learning more about it might help him to manage it better; but it may be something which can't be eliminated completely.

I doubt that it is a "trial" for you in the sense that he is deliberately testing you in some way, although it's not impossible. However, traits like these can be very trying in an emotional sense for some partners of autistic people. Some autistic/non-autistic relationships work beautifully, but only you can decide whether you can bear feeling excluded in this way if there are times when he can't avoid it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write me back. I can't thank you enough. I have been feeling sick over this and really needed the help. Thank you!! !

I think this guy is obsessed with his work and doing a good job.

Some of the great inventors were like that. Into their work, ignoring (not rejecting) their significant others.

What sort of work does he do?

It's a pain in the butt for you....and I'm sorry for it.

But if it's important work, I'd let him do it.

Science stuff. Harvard graduate. I guess that is a good point. Also I guess ignoring really isn't rejecting. Maybe "ignoring" is more temporary? I have a Master's degree too, yet funny thing is, mine is in English and communication so maybe I just overthink.

Let me tell you a story.

I was seeing a man who I now believe is very autistic. We had some frictions and difficulty communicating, so I sought couples counseling. Obviously I had some doubts about continuing the relationship.

But one day I was getting ready to go to the hospital for surgery, and he began yelling at me, because I had not told him what I was having surgery for. I had not told him, because he had a habit of blabbing confidences all over the place, and I did not want people knowing my business.

Then and there I asked him to give me back the keys to my house and to please leave. He realized he was being dumped, and continued his hissy fit. Eventually I got him out of there and me to the hospital.

The moral of the story? No matter his desirable qualities, no matter how needy he might be or I might be, I could not have a partner who yelled at me when I was already stressed enough, on my way to the hospital. That was the proverbial last straw.

I'm autistic too but didn't know much autism then; but I'd have to say he was very much more autistic. My point is, some people really aren't relationship material, at least not as far as I am concerned.

You will have to make up your mind what you are willing to put up with. Don't kid yourself that he will change.

There seems to be a bit of codependency on your part. I have seen this in other posts where an NT, often a female, will posts about issues of their partner and them wanting to understand them better. You say he likes you, how do you know? You say is attentive, he is more attentive than not? It feels like you are putting more into this relationship than he is and if that is the case, it is not healthy.

How do I know? We have sex and he is affectionate and meets my needs. When is is attentive he is 100 percent in. When he is busy, he is 100 percent out and doesn't meet my needs. It's like a switch.

Assuming that I was right in my earlier post about what's causing him to switch on and off, it's important that you realise that it's likely you'll always have little or no influence over when the switch flips.

to the OP, don't settle for less than your needs from the very start, it is not in your [or anybody else's] power to make him into something more exactly what you want. don't settle now for less and be sorry later. at the least, in his "up"
time have a heart-to-heart with him about this very subject, hear him out first, and make sure he walks the walk before you go any further with him.

i am diagnosed, and my main problem with contacting people is that you never know if you have interrupted them and if they feel cranky about it.

i can not tell whether they are asleep, or in the middle of cooking or eating their dinner , or running to catch a train etc.
so i do not bother phoning them.
i hate composing text messages with one finger on a phone, so i never bother.

i just leave it up to them to call me on the phone in person when they are ready.

it may look to them like i am making them beg, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Well as long as you are ok with this. He may only want to be with you on his terms.

Each person on the autism spectrum has their own unique expression of characterietics. Speaking for myself, I am dreadful at multitasking, can be so focused that I actually don't know you are there, and I need a definite, distinct, and significant amount of downtime. This may appear to others as a complete disconnection from the world but it does not mean the world and the people in it are any less important than they may be to someone who communicates constantly. I also think this is not an unusual set of traits for an autistic person.
You could possibly set up a regular time to connect to acknowledge you are both ok but you are not going to "train" this aspect out of him. He is not going to become any less on when he is on but no less absent when he isn't. This may not change long term so you need to realize this is probably a permanent part of the package. I think if you are independent and dont need or want a partner constantly present you could be very happy.

You've gotten some very good replies so there's not much else to say here.

I'm also NT with a long-term AS partner. Every one who is on the spectrum has things they are good at and things they are not so good at. My partner is fairly good about contact, but he's absolutely horrible about multi tasking and planning. So if there is a time where he is absorbed in something with work or some other important deadline related issue, he will all but disappear while he focuses on and completes that task, and THEN once it's done, or at least pretty close to being done, he will initiate contact. But he absolutely cannot do more than one thing at a time, because that involves the redirection of his focus.

Whereas I am a whiz at multi-tasking and can, for example, talk on the phone while at the same time typing up a letter on my laptop. But what comes easy to me does not for him and I get it.

It doesn't really matter now because we live together and have lived together for 13 years so I'm used to it and have come to expect it.

This really is something you are going to have to be okay with because it is unlikely to ever change.

It's normal for an AS / ND to be completely focused on something (work or special interest), and then he/she will not be able to have social chit-chat. It just doesn't work. So, you will need to let him have his interests and/or do his work requirements without bothering him.

If you really want his total devotion & focus, you will need to set that up in a way that can motivate him. And texting or social chit-chat is not likely to be such things.

Glad you are here. We need NTs to share their experiences.