NT - Inquiry regarding my ex-boyfriend with Asperger's

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Do people with asperger's have a tendency to hate their ex-partners after break up?
If so, could this be due to their black and white thinking? You're either my girlfriend(love) or foe(hate)?

Hello all,

I am an NT and am deeply hurt and confused by my ex-boyfriend with asperger's.
(FYI, English is not my first language, so please bear with me if there's any spelling or grammar mistakes.)

It's a long story, but I will try to keep it short.

We broke up because he cheated on me.
I had been disappointed at him for quite some time and this incident drove me nuts.
So I broke up with him in a fit of anger.
I thought I was prepared for this break up, but I was in so much pain when I finally left him.
I left him on impulse. There were regrets on my side too.
So the next day, I sent him a long msg saying what I appreciated for and what I wanted to apologize for. In the msg, I blamed myself for his lost interests in me and his affair.
Although his affair was the major cause of our break up, I covered for him in the end.
I thought I left him with a goodwill.

However, when we met up again two months after our breakup,
he became such a different person. He became so cold-hearted and callous.
(When we were together, he occasionally hurt me with his blunt words, but he could never expressed his anger towards me.)
I asked him why and he was like "We broke up, should there be more love (than hatred)?"

Once again, I thought I left him with a goodwill.
Also, when we were together, I cared for him very much and he know this too.
I don't understand this. OK. He doesn't have to love me but there's no reason for him to hate me either.

Although not often, I still talk to some of my exes.
Of course, they are not as affectionate and friendly as the times they were my boyfriends, but still they sound kind enough.

I hope someone could answer my question.
It'd help me understand my ex and help me heal the wounds and forgive him.

Thank you in advance.

Hello, welcome to WP

Thank you for making your post factual rather than emotional, it really helped. (I am Aspie)

Actually I'm quite surprised at an Asperger cheating. It's rule breaking, risk taking, and voluntarily making life more complicated. Most cheaters I have been aware of were comfortable (even enjoyed) the emotional mess they caused, the drama is part of the appeal.

Or was he just arrogant, some Aspie's are. Either way I don't see any excuse for him to be unpleasant to you. It must be hurtful since you have invested time and emotion in him in the past but I think you may need to just let this go and not let his attitude bring you down.

I think the answer is that many Aspies cannot breakup "just like that", like NTs can. So, in order to protect themselves, they start hating their exes. It's the best way for us to get out of a failed relationship, so you shouldn't take it personally. If you don't want to get into a relationship with him again, you will need to stop seeing him for as long as it takes for him to get over you. There is no middle ground there. It's black and white (want or don't want a relationship). If you cannot make up your mind on it, you will hurt both yourself and him a lot.

Maybe; maybe not. It depends on the individual, and in the same way that some NTs hate their ex-partners.Again, "maybe/maybe not" and "it depends". For me, it was more like "You are either my friend or you are not" or "you either love me or you do not". People who were on the "not" side of the equation ended up being 'ghosted' by me -- I would go on with my life as if they had never existed.

Now, YOU get to answer some of my questions:

• Why is it that when some women break up with their boyfriends or husbands, they still seem obsessed with those men long after those men have gotten over them?

• Why are some women more upset over the fact that their exes have found other women to be with soon after the break-up than they are over the break-up itself?

• Is there some unwritten commandment that states "Thou shalt wait the fullness of one year after thine ex has dumped thee or thou hast dumped thine ex before thou shalt hookest up again"?

• I mean, what's up with this idea that some women have that they still "own" their exes long after the relationships are over?

Well?

If the question is "why can't I be friends with my ex-Aspie-bf?", then the answer is: "Because you broke up with him in a horrible way".

Think of it like this:
* You think his cheating was a horrible thing because it broke the vows you made.
* He likely thinks your sudden break up was just as bad as cheating (IMHO, it is), so he is just as pissed off by this as you were by the cheating.

For many Aspies, a relationship is when you get attached to each others, not when you have an "exclusive talk". The relationship ends when you have failed to make it work, not by some whim or game playing. So, when you have a fight and decide it is over in anger, you have not made your best effort, and so have cheated on your partner. According to the Aspie view.

And because you have cheated, the Aspie doesn't want to be friends with you. I think that is pretty clear.

The relationship ends with the break-up. That's it. Over. Done. No going back.

Why anyone would think that a relationship should continue after the break-up is completely outside the realm of any rational comprehension.

Breaking up instead of doing your best is cheating. Especially if it is combined with getting back together multiple times. I think it is perfectly fine to hate a person that behaves that way. Especially when it is multiple break ups and game playing.

That doesn't mean you are not allowed to break up. It only means that if you don't do it in a nice way (trying your best), then I will regard it as cheating and hate my ex. Which I'm pretty much allowed to do.

He cheated on you, let him go.

Only you can heal the wounds, certainly don't rely or hope to get healing from the one who was dishonest with you in the first place.

You had every right to be angry with him and I think what you're looking for is an apology from him. And it sounds to me like he's blame shifting so he doesn't have to accept the responsibility of his actions so you certainly will not get anything even remotely like an apology.

And if he doesn't want to be friends then so be it. And in a way I agree with that. Exes should remain in the past - especially dishonest ones who can't keep their d*cks in their pants.

This is all hearsay at this point. Just use words.

What is hearsay at this point? The OP lived through it, and she did use words.

Well she clearly wants to resolve something & as a stranger on the internet I don't believe everything I read.

She clearly wants to resolve the irresolvable.

All that requires is the use of reason.

I’m Nt so not really qualified to answer your question. However I have had a deep friendship with an As man for 3yrs, but we are no longer friends. I am also experiencing the fact that he is hostile and cold towards me now despite me believing I had made peace with him.
I think AS persons are by nature perfectionists. It’s why they often struggle with us less intense NTs. . .to have someone criticise them is tough. They give themselves impossible targets to meet,and struggle with that idea of failing in any way. My friend seems to now believe that ANYTHING I say is tinged with hidden criticism (it’s not) and makes it almost impossible to create peace between us. . . . . .im hoping space and time will eventually heal the situation

Only one of them. I was very close to the girlfriend I had two years ago. When she broke up with me I was heartbroken. I was less close to some of the girlfriends I had after her. Because they were less serious relationships I felt no animosity when they ended.

And thine shan't ever forgetist!