What should I expect?

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Im in a really weird predicament now as I honestly feel like I dont know what a relationship should entail anymore.

What do other people need/get from theirs and is this different depending on whether its AS/AS or AS/NT ?

Im supposedly in a relationship but Ive never felt as alone in my life. We are both late diagnosed as and found out at the same time. In adapting to it all we seem to have drifted poles apart and its as if theres no going back now.

I just want to feel relaxed and happy, but at the same time I feel bad because am I not allowing for his Asd enough? Id like to hear what others want from their relationships and what is reasonable to expect in a partner.

Thank you

A relationship is what two mutually-consenting people make of it. It is also essential for both sides to communicate their expectations -- this also means that both people should understand what the other person expects, and not assume to know what the other person is thinking or feeling.

And, no, asking "What are you thinking?" or "Do you love me?" over and over again will not keep the relationship intact.

I've fallen into that trap many times.

I used to ask my girlfriends, "Do you love me?" After a while, it became a "cry wolf" kind of situation, and caused the girlfriend to get sick of me.

To a woman, this reeks of "insecurity." Women cannot stand men who are insecure.

Oh I never ask that question I judge that by how I feel so I dont need to be told. I was with someone who said it all the time but I never felt it. Another time it was never said, but I did feel loved. Now this time its different because we have talked it over many times and there are specific reasons why the problems exist. They seem to be all AS related and things we both cant/shouldnt change?? Or is this just me being stupid, do all relationship have to involve two people suppressing parts of themselves for the sake of the others happiness? I just feel like Im starting over again in all this because of the diagnosis none of my previous ideas seem valid the same.

There are some things which are AS-related.

I'm often criticized for not expressing "caring" whenever something happens to a person. I am a more "action," rather than a "word"-oriented person. This doesn't come across too well over the phone, as when my wife called me after having to be rescued from a car, and I said nothing for a few moments. I just had to process all this into my mind---and it took a few moments. She thought I should have reacted right away; not reacting right away meant that I didn't "care."

Hmm thats the thing, I feel like Im being unfairly asked to change but the things he could work on for my benefit he flatly deems too extreme.

So for instance he thinks manners and being polite are highly important and takes great offence if we all dont greet him straight away with something like 'Good Morning'. I would like to see a smile once in a while so I knew he might be happy to see us but thats not deemed reasonable. I also notice body language so feel uncomfortable if hes sat there with arms and legs crossed looking uncomfortable. So thats the thing really, should I continue to force an unnatural greeting which is a bit formal and forced, when I want to just smile and say 'Hey' or if I do agree to do the 'Good morning thing' should he have to smile??? God this sounds so ridiculous I cant even believe its my life haha!!

Well then ... you have to ask yourself if putting up with the hypocrisy of your partner is worth keeping him around.

In successful relationships, people need to learn to accept the idiosyncrasies of their partner as long as they aren’t hurtful or abusive. That’s easier said than done. My parents have been married for around 30 years and still fight about the same stuff. Mom still gets upset and yells about the same minor irritations. It just boggles my mind.

In an AS/AS (ND/ND) relationship there should be no requests to change. If you need that, you are clearly incompatible, regardless if you are the same neurotype or not.

OTOH, it could also be that you both are playing NTs, and if so, stop that.

Be natural, don't have any expectations and accept each other for who you are, not for what you want each other to be.

Oh theres no 'playing Nt' going on we certainly cant manage that now. But I think we must have been at the beginning and well now we have lost that ability to mask our real needs they are so far removed its not really sensible to continue being called a relationship.

I think there is hypocrisy in there too, for example when we first got together he explained how he nursed his dads dying dog, spent 5 nights a week up with him turning him, taking him to the toilet and cleaning up after him etc. (for a year this continued) I thought, wonderful as I have lots of animals. Now post diagnosis he is really OCD about any kind of animal traces, and would if he could get fully overalled up lol before even walking up my garden path in case of a trace of poop. I just really feel like I was duped, and didnt think a diagnosis could change a person that much. But I guess he must have been playing NT a lot more than I ever was.

I guess Im finding the solution, so thanks for all the input

I guess what killed my marriage was the extreme introversion on my ex-husband’s part. I felt alone too because he did not treat me like I matter to him. I mean there was this ‘why am I in a relationship when I could alone’ feel right from the start time on his part. No communication so the relationship died.
Plus he lied a lot about his diagnosis (hid it)and how as a child he was a very a high achiever when he was not. His parents went along with his lies. I found out through some of his friends that he was lying about his childhood achievements. What bothered me most was why go through so much pain of lying trying to remember your lies and have a relationship when it could be much simpler?

There is also the aspect of proper courtship between NDs. Without that, and with lots of role-playing, an ND/ND relationship might be just as bad as an ND/NT.

An ND/ND relationship shouldn't have lies and shouldn't have poor compromising skills.

Yes I understand both comments above, its hard to accept someone wants to be with you when they insist on living in their own home and basically having nothing much to say or do with you because your interests are not that compatible. I have to assert myself before my character is just obliterated because Im suppressing it for the sake of this relationship.

What do you mean by a 'proper courtship' rdos? I agree about the lies part, and it seems masking inevitably counts as lies later on when the masks drop because we have really both not known the true 'us' before. I think the difference is in how much he has been conditioned into doing what is acceptable, where as I have always been more free from convention so thats why the change in him is more stark.

The changes in me are more to do with how I feel about myself, rather than things I have stopped or started doing - to me those have remained consistent but I just dont kick myself as much now I know of asd.