Try not to develop feelings too soon

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So that's the advice I've just been given.

I've been really hurt recently. I genuinely thought that this guy was interested in me. I really liked him.

So one my friends told me, "in future try not to develop feelings too soon."

How do you not do that when someone is demanding all your attention and showing signals of interest in you? You would think it was safe? You'd flirt back? You'd respond. I'm not a f*****g stone. I have feelings!

The amount of times I've seen men here write that women don't fall as hard as men do. Well that's not true. We have feelings too and guess what, we can get hurt!

i'm sorry this happened to you, that really sucks

i'm trying to learn that sometimes people just change their minds. and if one guy liked you so much, more guys will too, because obviously you have desirable and likeable traits.

don't lose hope, and i hope your heart feels better soon

Thanks. I appreciate that. It's a good perspective to have. I'll try and think of it that way.

I tend to be cautious, so when I do fall, I fall hard and I'm very very rarely the one who changes their mind. It just hurts that I wasn't enough. They were enough for me and I wasn't for them. It happens every single time.

Yeah it happens to me too. I fall hard every time. But that’s not real love maybe? Lasting feelings only happen after you have been with someone for a while? I don’t know. I did fall for my ex-husband real hard and then out when he turned arrogant.

Yeah real love only develops over time, but that doesn't mean that people can mess others about because it's not "real love", those are still feeling a that a person has and if they lead that person on for fun then the other person is going to get hurt.

I don't think being in a relationship with somebody for a while is needed for lasting feelings. The most important aspect is that it is mutual. Without that, there is little hope for a good outcome. If you are not dating or hanging out, then there is a need to arrange things in a way that requires mutual effort to probe that there really is a serious interest.

What is real love or not is a matter of definition. I don't think that is so important. What is important is that there is a mutual effort and that this effort should increase with time. People that just play around for fun will stop being interested when the effort required from them increases. If possible, the development of feelings should go along with this too.

I do this constantly. I think it's related to sensory overload/sensitivity. Like I just really enjoy how the other person appears/looks, and my mind just goes into overdrive thinking about them. Or it could just be a nice, casual connection, but my feelings are so magnified. A few years ago I went on a few dates with someone and we talked on the phone for hours at night. I'd be absolutely manic afterward, and couldn't sleep for hours. It was like normal happiness totally magnified, so that I felt fairly powerless. Now I try to acknowledge those feelings without fighting them, so I don't feel so disconnected from my feelings. But, it's hard. Fighting the feelings will just make it worse. Even though I may not do anything embarrassing or inappropriate, I feel I have no control in these situations. The subconscious is dragging me along for the ride.

Interesting. I find myself going over and over the things that they say and how they said it and their eye in their eye and their body language.

A crush is not sensory overload. It's pretty natural.



Sounds like a crush.



If you need to fight them, do it by disliking or hating the person your feelings are directed at. That's the only thing I've found effective. But only do that if you don't want to have those feelings.

^^
Yes, they are crushes, and I know they're natural. I'm saying that for me the normal crush becomes so exaggerated, and even though I'm aware that logically my feelings are extreme, they are still very overwhelming. I believe sensory sensitivity is (at least in part) why a normal crush feels this way for me. I develop strong feelings fast, but it's almost like I'm watching another person go through this, since they overwhelm me so much.

Also, I DON'T believe in fighting the feelings. They won't go away through fighting them, and trying to hate someone is just going to give me a skewed view of people in general.

I like the one theory, about how it isn't that autistic people don't feel emotions, but that we feel them too intensely, and because it's so overwhelming, we try to shut it down.

That's usually how it feels for me. But I know some people have trust issues, and won't let themselves fall for someone.

Same here...but after a while, all of your friends start to notice that you're intentionally being mean to her, and personally, it's so emotionally draining, it's really hard for me to keep it up after so many years.

So I've kind of given up, and it's probably really obvious that I've pulled a 180° on her =/

Agreed.

Infatuations are a lot stronger for NDs, but this is not related to sensory issues. It's related to other ND relationship-traits, and particularly to people obsessions.



You will typically only need to hate someone until the crush fades, which shouldn't take so long.

Agreed, but I still don't think this is related to typical sensory traits, like extra sensitive hearing, touch or smell.

No I disagree. I think those of us on the spectrum can experience emotions in very over the top ways. I've seen this idea being put over in various places on the forum in different circumstances. I don't think it's just in reaction to physical sensory overload.

I started a thread about emotions a couple of days ago in the general forum.