Aspie who feels inadequate: Is he pushing me away?

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There is this guy I used to work with who checks all the boxes for mild ASD (he's very fidgety, has extremely high IQ, odd body language/sense of humour, displays subtle social ineptness, tendency to talk loudly). He is also constantly apologising and putting himself down (self deprecating humour and apologising for being a burden when nothing is wrong at all) and I believe it's due to self-esteem issues.

He has made it obvious that he likes me (e.g smiles widely /laughs at a lot of things I say, tries to get me on the phone, lingers when he says bye, tried to brush against me/make physical contact). He also has an eager to please streak and seems to care a lot about what I think (but it could just be him seeking approval due to his AS condition?). He also seems protective of me (i.e tells me not to stay out late, wants me to rest). He seems to want to impress me by telling me how often he works out or how he'd party so hard and get hungover (i later realised that didn't happen). He would also jump at and suggest any opportunity to spend time with me (i.e. suggesting we work together when there isn't a need to). He tries hard to make me laugh and would make very exaggerated hand gestures around me (but stops when other team mates are around) He would also listen to my conversation with others and chime in out of nowhere. He seems to be very comfortable sharing information about himself to me but only seems to engage in idle small talk with others? When he knew I was buried with other work and just having a bad week all around, he took some of my work without me asking and also kept volunteering to help as he said he wants me to feel less stressed and doesn't want me to be screwed over. He would also try to ask details about my other work although it comes across as a bit awkward though I suspect it's him showing interest. All of this made me believe he has pretty strong feelings for me. There was a particular moment towards our last couple of weeks together when we shared a moment when he had this misty-eyed endearing look on him when looking at me that was pretty intense that made me think it's beyond physical attraction? However, that was also when he started to distant himself right after and be very cold towards me (not just indifference), though this 'persona' would crack at times and it's like he can't help but be happy around me?

But when I asked him if there was anything between us at the end of our work time together, he told me he didn't feel it and was very nice about it and told me I shouldn't worry about this and that it was totally fine that I asked. It seemed like an overcompensating behaviour? I thought hard about it and things just didn't line up and decided to call to ask if we could meet, again he was extremely nice/accommodating and it was obvious he didn't want me to feel bad. (I'm not sure if it's because he's denying his feelings for some reason or if he's just not interested in me). I thought speaking face to face would shed some light but he still told me he's not interested in relationships or me. He came dressed up for that meet and he had told me earlier that he had nothing going on He didn't seem to want to get away from me right after and while we were walking back to our places of work, he started engaging in conversation with me about work space and he then revealed how he is very sensitive to noise and needs a quiet spot. I wasn't fully present in the convo as mind was still reeling.

But then I realised and thought back to the many times where he would reveal bits about himself that would shed light on his condition. He doesn't know that I have a VERY strong hunch but he has told me several times that he gets restless if he isn't being productive, told me he tends to talk loudly, offered up that he meditates pretty randomly. He only shares all that when he is with me - it's like he doesn't want to tell me his AS diagnosis but hopes i'd figure it out on my own? There was once when he was rudely called out for being too loud when he was with me, he apologised and said ' I'm sorry, i know i can get loud. I'm sorry it's just..' he stopped himself and I suspect he wanted to disclose he has ASD but somehow does not want to admit (infront of me?). My heart broke a little then and I so badly wanted to reach out and tell him it's okay.

The last interaction we had where he told me he isn't interested but then revealed he is very sensitive to noise (an AS sign) made me wonder if he's hoping I'd come to realise he has ASD on my own and still accept him for who he is?

I know for a fact that he doesn't have a lot of friends and I can't help but wonder if there were instances where he disclosed his condition and later found people distancing themselves/judging him. That would explain him feeling inadequate about himself and constantly apologising even when there's no need to..

To sum it up, he has told me twice that he is not interested. Am I in denial or is he hoping I'd come to realise he has Asperger's on my own and accept him for who he's?

Here are a couple of positive Aspie traits:

* They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends.
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.
* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.

So he may not be an Aspie but if he was "Is he being honest" when he says he is not romantically interested in you. If he was not honest that would make him a social manipulator. Why is he dressing well for a meet-up with you?

So there is not enough here to suspect he is an Aspie. But if he was, then communication in a very direct and honest manner is the best approach. Come right out and ask him if he has be diagnosed as an Aspie.

I've got one of those too. Seems all misty eyed around me, even bubbling over with happiness and blushing, but doesn't seem to want a deeper relationship. He's not as open though. He's a very quiet soul and getting info out of him is like pulling teeth. Unless it's something he's buzzing to talk about.

He hasn't directly said to me he's not interested in a relationship, but he's not making much effort to arrange meet ups. It's mostly me doing the arranging.

I feel like he's an introverted soul who needs space and alone time, but I'm at a point where i don't know if he's really not interested at all or just needs long breaks between interactions. Im veering towards not interested and I'm about ready to give up.

To answer your OP. I genuinely don't know. He said he's not interested. If he really is, he's an idiot to say that. Personally, if I want to have a relationship with someone then I want to be around them and I make arrangements to meet up with them. I never get that kind of effort back from anyone.

I know what it feels like to not feel good enough, but that's usually after I start getting nos in response to my invites and a lack of interest from the other person, not when they show real interest in me like verbally asking me if I want a relationship (which has literally never happened to me anyway). I'd jump at the chance.

No I don't get it. I dont know what his deal.is.

He likes the flirting but he doesn't want to commit

all I can think of is stop showing interest in him.

Hi Jimmy,

Thanks for your response. I'm very new to this. I first suspected he has ADHD and looked it up within a couple weeks of knowing him but as time went on, I'm almost certain it's Asperger's. It's the way he behaves and acts as well as the stuff he says (he has a really odd sense of humour and is just socially awkward all in all). I am just as certain that he has been diagnosed too as he seems to have a coping mechanism in place. He is really good at acting/picking up other people's mannerisms.


All in all, I feel like he's very embarrassed to admit it (he came close once but stopped himself) and fears that my knowing would change my perception of him. He has an eager to please streak around me and I think he has me on some sort of pedestal. As of now, he reckons I am interested the NT-version of him and fears that revealing his AD diagnosis to me would turn me off. And from what I've known of him, he has rather deep self-esteem issues (it's almost like he apologizes for his existence since he tends to think he is being a burden when he really is not) and a 180degree change in attitude from me after learning about his diagnosis would crush him? As for being dressed-up then, I guess it came from a place of wanting to reinforce his positive image in my mind (since he believes I don't know he has AS) if that makes any sense. Even prior to this, he has always tried to impress me by telling him how often he gyms or about his (exaggerated) social life? I suspect it comes from a place of wanting to be as neurotypical as possible?


I feel like I'm somebody he's comfortable opening up to and judging from the inadequacy I know he feels, I would like to be there for him. But again, I don't want it to be wishful thinking on my part. That explains why I'm seeking opinions of those who are familiar with AD..

Ahh I wasn't even asking for anything - I merely expressed my interest in him since we've just ended our time working together and from what I've seen, it goes beyond flirting. He actually seems like he cares?

Hi there, thanks for taking your time to respond. Haha it's funny how he has mentioned that he is an idiot to me once.. But in all honesty, I suspect it's very hard for him to admit he has AS to others, possibly due to less than pleasant reactions he received. I think he came close to admitting once: he was rudely called out for talking loudly and he not only said sorry but went on to explain himself. He stopped himself midway and I have a feeling he wanted to disclose his condition to the other person but stopped due to self-consciousness. I felt so bad for him then.

He passes of as NT so well (he has picked up quite a bit of my mannerisms) and it really took me a while to pinpoint what he had. An acquaintance with no vested interested would just think he's weird/awkward and probably distant themselves. I researched for a while before I realise he checks all the boxes for AD. He is extremely high functioning - he's pursuing a doctorate degree and he is all about self improving. He would try to impress me with his physicality / with an exaggerated social life - this gives me the impression that he feels inadequate with who he is and wants to be as NT as possible.

In other words, I suspect he firmly believes I will run the other direction if I know of his diagnosis (as others have probably distant themselves). He has an eager to please streak around me and I think he has me on some pedestal tbh.

But again, I could be delusional..

If that's what you are convinced of then what are you asking us for? Are you looking for permission to ask if he is an aspie?

I subtly hinted that someone might be an aspie once and he didn't react well. He seemed offended that I thought something was wrong with him.

It's possible he likes you but is too insecure to admit it. About the only thing you can do if he is that insecure is make a move on him but there's a chance he might get freaked out due to his insecurity even if he likes you. The other thing you can do is keep being his friend & keep things going as is until he changes something in his behavior towards you.

Hi there, thanks so much for this! I'm so new to all of this and could benefit from informed opinions.
I guess my main question is (based off all that I've said he has done) if I could have read his intentions wrong? Could he want to please me so bad as he thought I'd make a good friend, want to call me / spend time together with me when he gets a chance, or even not realise that he's making physical contact with me? Knowing he has Aspergers is making me question everything that he did, if it really was unintentional platonic gestures? But again, that genuine smile of his which he mostly only always have around me tells me not to walk away..

I've seen him around another guy friend whom he has known a lot longer and be behaves differently around me than with him. He's pretty much a normal guy's guy with him. Every time we met it seemed like he'd be more comfortable than before..

One thing else, do Aspies tend to get a lot more excited around the people they like? I meant that in a way if he would try his best to get me to laugh/smile (usually in very animated ways since he's already more excited around me). I've observed him with others and he is not like that with them..