Finding out your partner is gay

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Have you ever been in a relationship with someone and it turned out they thought they loved you, but they realised they didn't that way because they're actually gay?

Three times. All three of my boyfriends came out, after we'd been together several years.

I recommend this book for anyone dealing with the loss of a relationship because of their partner's orientation:

The Other Side of the Closet, by Amity Pierce Buxton.

I wish we could upvote posts. Thank you for your helpful comment.

I have never had to deal with this problem but it has got to be a devastating mess. Sorry you both had to deal with that.

Not that extreme but my current & 2nd girlfriend don't conform to normal gender & sexuality stereotypes. My 2nd was pansexual & she also wished she were a guy but wasn't considering transitioning. That caused some major problems in our relationship & after she broke up with me she decided she'd rather not date a guy again even thou she was attracted to guys in addition to other sexes. She didn't wanna risk getting pregnant & she was also a feminist & I guess figured lots of guys would have issues with that so she figured dating cisgender guys was just too messy. I guess I was sorta an exception cuz I don't conform to male gender stereotype & am a feminist but even I had problems dealing with some of those things about her.
My current girlfriend is bicurious & doesn't exactly conform to the woman stereotype but she also doesn't wish she were born a different sex.

Nick brings up an important point. Partners sometimes jump to the conclusion that someone is gay.
Someone who dresses in women's clothes may not be gay. They could be something called a cross dresser.
The only way to find out is to talk about it.

That's true. From some posts I've read on this forum in the past as well as things I've read in other places. If a guy isn't really into having sex with his female romantic partner, his romantic partner starts to question & sometimes even assume he's gay even thou the guy never expressed overt sexual interest in guys. The guy could be asexual or have some aversion to sex for other reasons like maybe sensory issues or just a very low sex drive. Him & his romantic partner start dancing around the room instead of talking about things directly which causes them both to get very frustrated with each other. The women starts assuming things & trying things which just end up pushing the guy away from her even more. People need to have direct conversations sometimes which tends to be even more of a necessity when one is on the spectrum. A relationship with an Aspie can go south very fast 1ce they start assuming things about the other.

Reminder: There's also the possibility that one person in a gay couple will come out straight.
That disclosure is equally difficult for the partner who didn't know.

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In my case my first partner came out after 10 years together. I had no idea for most of our relationship. Toward the end he said he was bi, but then decided he was gay. He is now married to a man and they have two children from surrogates.

My second partner claimed all along to be bi, but said he wanted an exclusive relationship with me. He was a crossdresser but of course that doesn't mean he was necessarily gay. Within a couple of years he admitted he was gay. He was using me as a beard. I have no idea where he is now because he was an addict and very unstable.

My third partner was / is seemingly transgendered (male to female), crossdresses, and a year or two into our relationship he claimed he was bicurious. About a year later he came out as gay and now dates men exclusively. We are still best friends after twenty years.

I've started seeing someone new. Let's just say I'm a little cautious about getting hurt again.

Good points.

I have never been in a romantic relationship with someone who struggled with their sexuality. I have no doubt people have made assumptions about my sexuality, perhaps because I am not overtly sexual. I don't think I am very macho yet, nor am I very feminine though my interests typically might be considered more masculine. (perhaps an outside perspective would be more relevant than my own biased opinion) I figured out my sexuality a long time ago and I'm secure about it so people are free to operate on assumptions. I tend to express my sexuality to my partner which in my opinion is the only thing that matters. It's unfortunate society puts pressure on people to try to be something they are not. I wish there was more understanding and acceptance in this world.

I was dating a woman who seemed to be nearly perfect: she was drop dead gorgeous, only 6 months older than me, similar background, loved children (and worked as a teacher), well very liked and had a wide circle of friends who I got along with and best of all she contacted me first. In short, I thought I hit the jackpot. She did mention that she was a slow mover which I respected until 3 months later when I couldn't hold back my strong feelings for her and made an "unmistakable" move. She broke it off within a week and I was devastated as I knew women like her (that were still single) were like needles in haystacks.

I later learned from one of her friends that when I made the "move" that she realized she wasn't into me or men in general and later married her long time best friend. I honestly can't understand how you can make it past 30 and not know you are a lesbian. It's too bad as we could have been great friends to this day had she been more upfront about it rather than making me feel like I screwed up by expressing my love for her. There was also one of those radio confessionals about this very subject and one caller said almost the exact same story about the woman he was dating decided that she was 'pretending' to be straight to please her parents and soon got engaged to her best friend. Listening to the story there is a good chance that he was dating the "best friend".

I also had a major crush on two girls in High School and wouldn't you know it? They both turned out to be lesbian as well. I sure can pick em!

That really sucks, GHF! I would have been devastated, too....your almost "ideal" woman!

I was in love with a lesbian twice my age when I was 19. She became straight when she got drunk, though. It was very frustrating.

Was this confirmed or just an assumption?

It was confirmed----you had to be there!

She was all over me.....

I think he's asking Hurtloam.

Oh I missed this, no it didn't happen to me. There's a story in the news at the moment in the UK.