The End of my Marriage to a Neurotypical

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I hooked up with a really socially adept partner. He moved in and provided me with instant friends, like he knew just about everybody, and he was my ambassador to the world. Meanwhile, I worked full-time to support us both and showered him with gifts, a good set-up or so I thought.

Then my world came crashing down on me when he ditched me for some guy he met on the Internet. All those arguments we had been having (over nothing), suddenly made sense to me. All his distancing, his coldness. The way he would stay up all night by the computer while I was asleep in bed.

I mean, a normal person would have KNOWN, like, years ago. Me, I was shocked to come home from work one day and find everything gone. He did not even bother with leaving a note. Just grabbed all the valuable stuff and took off. Then he was already lawyered up and serving papers on me. He had nothing to claim, because I didn't do anything bad. I'm claiming adultery, but I know already he's going to lie and deny it in order to get more money out of me.

So, like a lot of the lonely hearts on wrongplanet, I have been doing serious thinking about maybe just accepting living alone from now on, given the hurting that happened when I hooked up with a neurotypical. They have no problem with lying, I can tell you that much. The more social skill, the more it is used to manipulate toward their own ends.

Marriage for me ended with thousands of dollars going toward a lawyer and no end in sight, and with COVID-19 out there, courts are closed down so everything gets delayed further. I know in advance he is going to lie his butt off to get as much money as possible, so that means that mediation must fail, and we must have a lengthy, expensive court battle. I expect to pay $30,000 in legal costs when all is said and done, but it may go higher still. He never even tried negotiating with me or talking about things, just like he never tried marriage counseling or anything like that. Just lie, lie, then cheat and steal.

I have been considering dating women too, just for variety. Tired of men and feeling straight-curious. But in reality I think both genders, the same problems apply. Probably it is just wasted effort, but I am trying anyway. Usually the online stuff, it just results in a lot of verbiage and time-wasting. In real life, I am more likely to meet someone that is for real and interested, but that could very well take a couple years and I don't have a lot of time. I am 50 now.

What I would prefer is just to focus upon spirituality and wellness the rest of my life, and fill my time with exercise, worship and reading books with my cat. I think that is what I am going to do, but just wanted to share all this with you all. If you envy those of us who are MARRIED, remember it ain't always all that it's cracked up to be. In other words, what you think of as Heaven is not necessarily so.

The only way to avoid divorce altogether is to never get married, since it is the single most common cause in every divorce.  The only way to avoid any break-up is to never have any but the most superficial relationship.

Quite right!
Break ups - O.K.
Divorce - terrible!

Thanks, you are the only reply, at least that tells me I didn't post nonsense.

Fnord, you have really grown on me since I first came to this forum or maybe your posts seem more insightful lately to me.

And before you ask, yes I did get the sarcasm.

What you went through, and are going through, really sucks.

I hope you know you are a viable person, and that the other guy is a pure twit.

Please. Don’t date a woman unless you really want to date a woman. I wouldn’t date a man just for “variety.” The thought of me in bed with a man is most atrocious.

Don’t subject yourself to the experience of being intimate with somebody you REALLY don’t want to be intimate with...just for variety’s sake.

The last person to tell me that finished the sentence with "... like a fungal infection."I hope so. I've been trying to dial back the snark in favor of illuminating the obvious.That was bitterness, not sarcasm. I have been where you are now, although my relationships are hetero. That woman divorced me so that she could marry her rich (yet wimpy) boyfriend.

Something to think about: Just as there is truth in "Time heals all wounds", there is also truth in "Time wounds all heels". The two of them brought a lot of emotional baggage into their relationship, and now they're having to deal with the fact that they really don't like each other. I don't know why they're still together, but they sure seem to deserve each other.

Kraftie,

Like the new picture of you!

What a chicken-turd!
Yeah the symbolism of marriage has changed. From my perspective, in a traditional sense it meant something permanent, currently it seems to mean 'something beneficial for now.... will see how it works out.'

Your ex seems to have focussed on one goal... himself.

My charming narcissistic ex didn't cheat on me, well if he did he covered it up in case it could be used against him, but used me for financial gain, was abusive and gaslit me while clearing me out of all monetary worth until i was completely reliant on him.
Then the turd applied for divorce because I 'deserted him' (I left one morning without stating it was permanent) after putting him through years of 'unreasonable behaviour' (he was lining me up to be sectioned).

I didnt care who applied for the divorce, I had just enough money to travel home but that was it.

Best to take the time to heal and feel comfortable with your own company. Figure out how you have changed and what you bring to the table.
With no children involved, I hope your case will go smoother for it. Mine did.

Good advice. I'm bi though, and as a rule, don't subject myself to things I don't want to.

Yes, that's it. Dialing back the snark, well-put. Earlier, last year, I felt like you were mean sometimes, for no really good reason, and I can't even recall the thread(s), but it may be you were going through tough times of your own then. You were still witty even then but it had more edge, was cutting. But now, in a couple of threads, I've been like, is this the same Fnord? Did he find God?



That's my thought process in regard to my husband and his new flame. I guess they will marry, as he always needed someone to support him--doesn't like working for a living. So, I give it a few years before their marriage turns as cold and joyless as mine was.

I've reached the conclusion, divorce is a good and healthy thing for me, and the only remaining concern I have is to minimize the amount of money he claws out of me. His lawyer has made greedy demands for permanent alimony. It is not like I am a rich man, far from it in fact, and we have no adopted children. Plus, he is qualified and able to work. I'm the typical Aspy that worked a full-time job over 20 years supporting him. He wants the support part to continue, just not the living with me part.

I had to edit this message to get the quoting better.

My ex, I think he is narcissistic for sure, it was always about him. Everything he cooked, he had to take a photo of it and show off to his foodie fans on the Internet. They gave him the big head until he thought he was the next Martha Stewart. I mean, we never ate a meal, even the simplest, without me waiting until he had taken all the photos he wanted to take. I'm sitting there fork in hand, waiting for the photo op to finish. And often it was like, "No, wait, one more!"

I eat simply now, just fruit, vegetable, meat, seafood, and some whole wheat grains. I do not miss his cooking, in fact I prefer my simple cooking. It is wholsome, nutritious, makes me feel good. Best of all I don't have some narcissist hovering over the meal with a camera.

Yes, the no children part is a blessing. I've already said goodbye to about $20 - 30,000 in assets due to legal fees and just that one day when he got himself a moving van while I was at work and stole just about everything he could get his hands on. Spouses can do that without any repurcussions, I learned that. It's a free grab situation and doesn't figure in the divorce. I am lucky he was merciful enough to leave things like a toaster oven. Also, he could have stolen my car from me, it was at the parking lot at work. Maybe he was deterred by the fact the parking lot is under surveillance.

Recently divorced here - and yeah, it sucks, but I am willing to bet you'll be better off being on your own. I know it feels really hard right now, but you will get through it. And you'll even realize how many little things added up to produce big problems, and you'll thank him for ending it.

Good luck, but I'm sure you don't need it - you got this.

Hey, Stranger. Good to see you back. I hope all is well.

Hi! Good to see you too!
It is! Aside from the whole virus thing... hah. I'm working from home but I actually mind it a lot less than I thought I would.

Ive been divorced twice - both NT and the usual difficulties that became too much. The key thing here is that I had limited insight into my ASD with both so kept trying to achieve the impossible.

I'm with my third and final one now. She is NT but has considerable experience of ASD, in fact her previous husband has AS. We get along fine.

So it is possible.

Thanks, Professor John.

How are things where you are?

Hi Kraftie,

Teaching every class on-line and working from home. The stores I need are still open but close earlier than usual. Is your office open or are you not working right now?