Trying to understand

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Hi everyone,
I'm new on here, I am trying to understand by AS partner and would love to hear from both NT and AS individuals. Our relationship when we were freshly in love was incredible. He would bring me home edible arrangements, flowers, slushies, favorite snacks you name it. After bad past relationships he was like my knight in shining armor, I always knew there was something off though he would always over explain things and over complicate almost every conversation we had including fights but everything else, sex, closes, and everything else was going too well to bring up this one problem, it wasn't until months later that everything started to drop after being moved in other his real habits and self began to show up, he doesn't shower, brush his teeth, clean up after himself. He rarely goes out of his way for me, never calls me beautiful, pretty etc, sex has taken a nose dive as well this once passionate man now seems annoyed when sex is even mentioned to him, I feel like I am failing as a partner but also feel like there is nothing I can do. I can be annoyed at him and his response to my slight annoyance will be extremely rude and mean but when called out on it he begins to get angrier because he believes everything he said was calm and rational, its like he cant see how he speaks to me and interacts with me, in his mind its like we are fine and im over dramatic. he spends anytime that he can choose what do do spending video games and not really communication with me he tells me that he needs to remind himself to show me affections but I think loving someone it should come naturally. I feel alone I'm growing more and more sad the more nights spent with him besides me, not emotion, not affection, not compliments. Is this normal fro NT/ AS relationships and what so some advice to help this.

It has nothing to do with AS. Talk to him not us. If this doesn't help and he still doesn't cares you anymore then it's time to leave him or nothing will ever change. Sorry!

_________________
I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!

Sometimes Aspies try very hard in the begging of a relationship because they're very happy & maybe even desperate to be in one. But after things get serious for abit the Aspie becomes burnt out from trying so hard & wants more independence & alone time. Sometimes the Aspie feels they don't need to put in anymore work 1ce things become serious. This may be what's happening with your guy OP. Like quite an extreme said you need to talk to him & have a frank discussion about this. This may be a situation where you have to make a choice as to either continue in the relationship as is or end it.

I wonder why you chose an aspie forum to say all these negative things? The content seems familiar, a similar previous post perhaps?

If this is a legit post (my sincere apologies if it is) then logic dictates that you move on if things are so bad, he is the one you should be talking to as has been already said.

ASD response here. Some of this is ASD, some of this is personality or gender. It's human for the "honeymoon" period to end.

What is required regardless of neurological type: a commitment to mutual respect and regular communication.

Probably not about ASD: The dramatic one in my relationship is not the NT, it's the ASD partner (me).

Probably about ASD:
"Overexplain and Overcomplicate" --- you saying he does that "over" is like him telling you that you are "overdramatic" (hurtful). Touche. My way of relating to a person is to share information and my hope is that they share just as much information, but of course (teasing) my NT husband underexplains and oversimplifies. So finding middle ground and/or appreciating each others style while asserting each others needs... respectfully. I will kindly ask my husband "I need a more of a response here" and he will kindly ask me "I need a break here".

I have sensory issues and anxiety, so touch is difficult. There is a study about how often ASD folks want to have sexual relations (similar to NTs) and how often they do (hardly at all). I still have not figured out how to line those two up for me.

I have low social motivation. Generally I do my own thing but when I do want to interact it's intense. I am a good parent but have to remind myself to CARE FOR MY KIDS b/c I have so many things I want to do in Life and there is so little time, and it's "natural" for me to do my own thing and expect others to. But of course some NTs want milder attention more often, as opposed to intense attention less often. It doesn't mean one partner loves less or more, it's loving differently. So finding middle ground and/or appreciating each others style while asserting each others needs... respectfully. My NT husband will make an effort to sit down and for some intense discussion (which can be "unnatural" for him, but is fabulous for me) and I will make an effort to sit with him in front of the TV (which can be "unnatural" for me, but is fabulous for him). Again, finding middle ground and/or appreciating each others style while asserting each others needs... respectfully.

My ASD/NT relationship has been hard, but very good also. I hope you and your partner can find a way to communicate respectfully with each other and accommodate each other. Good luck!

I am in a very similar situation at the moment, but the other way, with me as the person with AS. Maybe I can help you by explaining my side. It'll be a long story though. What counts for me might not count for him, these are simply suggestions. The sudden change in behaviour might also be because of an emotional factor such as depression.
You are not failing as a partner, these things happen, even in non-neurodiverse relationships, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
In the beginning I acted like a perfect partner too. I did this because I wanted him to feel attracted to me. I learned how to be desirable by observing ideals of romantic behaviour. It worked wonderfully but this behaviour takes up so much energy and eventually you figure out that your partner would rather have a real flawed you then a constructed perfect you. This is why I dropped the act. I personally think you should drop the idea that anything 'should' be in a relationship, just do whatever works and does not harm anyone and COMMUNICATE VERY WELL.
People with AS sometimes don't pick up on things that seem intrinsic to other people. This doesn't mean we don't feel or care, we just genuinely don't even think about it. For me my first instinct when someone is feeling bad is to point out all their flaws and then proceed to tell them ways to change it. This does not work and your partner might need to learn that or something similar. I do this because I care, not because I don't. The logic there goes like this: Someone is feeling bad -> I want that person to feel better-> person feels bad because of this factor-> person can do this to change that factor-> I should tell him what he should do and what he shouldn’t to change that factor. For me it took a long time to understand that people needed something else. I simply did what I would have wanted if I was in their situation.
The fact that your partner obsesses over games and neglects necessary parts such as hygiene is really bad. The best you can do is find out the reason for this and counter it with logical argument. Don't result to morals, that won't work because if there is not a reason for that moral it might comes across kind of like this: ''You shouldn't put daffodils among other flowers.'' Why not?' 'Because it is just bad'. Morals or traditions with no actual reason for them being bad are confusing. A much more better reasoning would be this: ''You shouldn't put daffodils among other flowers.'' Why not?' 'Because when cut daffodils are put in water they release a toxin that poisons other plants, reducing their lifespan. Please think of this metaphor while constructing arguments. Because of the construction of easily refutable arguments I sometimes find it hard to understand the reason for my partner's believes and needs and thus find it incredibly annoying when he insist I do something that has no valid explanation. If this is the case I suggest you tell your partner this: ''If you do/don't do .... then that makes me feel ....., maybe you don't understand why this is but I just get this feeling. Whether it is rational/good or not I can't help it and need you to .... to make me feel better. This is probably hard to do in an emotional situation. Just do the best you can.
Lastly a very painful truth:
Maybe what he can offer and what you want doesn't match. Or the other way around. Talk to your partner about what is important to him and to you, in a relationship and in life. And try to see what both of you can do. But if it is not working know when it's time to move on.

I wish you the best of luck and hope I was helpfull.