Should I try and visit my ex next week?

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Well...long story short, it has been 10 years. We both went off and got married. Granted I'm miserable, but I really don't wish to seek to rekindle things with her. It's just that she was my best friend and I can't stand that we don't talk anymore. When her Dad died a few years ago, I wanted to call her, but didn't. I knew her husband back when we were together and I always got the impression she stopped talking to me because of something he said. I guess she was pretty open about still loving me, even though we both knew we were wrong for each other on that level. Religion and kids got in the way. Anyway, a few months ago I came across our old photos and found some of her Father. I really want to give them to her and will be in a meeting only five miles away from where she works. I guess the last thing she said to me was that she would always love me. That has stuck with me all this time and all I ever wanted was to remain friends. It's such a cliche that you can't stay friends after such a deep relationship ends. So...I am going back and forth on this and can't decide. What are your thoughts?

Can't hurt to see her again. Especially if you have something to give her back.

Obviously I can't know, but to me you sound like you're both in a place where you're vulnerable maybe to doing some things you might regret, if the opportunity presents itself. In your shoes, not only would I not go, I'd cut contact and preserve my marriage.

That is the safest and simplest solution. It may not be the easiest. If you don't want to abandon hope immediately, ask your wife for advice. If you don't want to ask her, for whatever reason, that's a good sign that you should not contact your ex. I think it would be a very bad idea to contact your ex without your wife's knowledge. Sooner or later, she will find out. And even if everything goes as you wish between you and your ex and you gain a friend, only an exceptional wife would not wonder why you have this (to her) sudden wish to contact your ex. Anything that looks like secrecy probably will make your wife wonder whether you would prefer to be with your ex rather than her. She may worry even if you are open.

Gromit

Do you love your wife?

If not, can you?

If the answers to these are both no,
go ahead - you're ruined anyhow.

Otherwise, I'd try and save what you have,
and get it on firm ground, before you try
something else.

Yes, but arrange to meet in a public place and BE CAREFUL.

Ed Almos

If I was you, I would just post the photos by recorded delivery with a nice letter explaining that the purpose was simply to send her the pictures back. Meeting up with an ex isn't always a great thing to do. It might open a can of worms in fact.

Ouch... I would probably cancel out and mail them to her priority.

Hmmm....I've gone over this sooo many times and for so long. Even if I ran into her and she said she was unhappy and wanted to get back with me I wouldn't. There were things I could never give her and things she could never give me. We were best friends who fell in love and had a wonderful time together, but it never would have worked in the end. That was hard for me to swallow back then, but once I worked through it all, I knew this was the truth.

As far as my wife goes, I love her as the Mother of my children, but really...that is it. She needs help and needs to do something about her anger and control issues. I posted a letter in the Haven to her outlining the basics of the issues. She does not respect me or any of the sacrifices I make for her and the kids. Everything I do outside of her rules is deemed as a direct affront to her. And I mean everything! We tried counseling, but when the male counselor told her she needed to work on stuff, that was it. The joint sessions were all her ripping me, to the point that we had to be talked to separately to get the whole story. While I was honest and discussed all of the things I needed to work on, she continued with the blame game. She quit on our marriage that day she walked out of counseling. If we did not have kids, I would have left a long time ago. It is what it is, but our society does not protect fathers, even the most dedicated and loving ones like me. I would not survive without my kids every day. My recent discovery of AS has shed light on my life the past 25+ years. My wife uses AS as justification for continuing to blame me for everything. Ironically, my wife has continuing relationships with her ex-boyfriends. One of which she has been talking to while he goes through a divorce. Nevertheless, she made it clear to me back before we got married, in no uncertain terms, I was not allowed to talk to my ex. Yet another double standard in our relationship.

Back to my ex. With some more background information, I know, without a doubt that nothing would happen. No matter how unhappy I am at home, I would never "cheat". That would be disrespectful to the kids as well. I seek out the friendships of women to fill the void left by my wife, but never anything more. I've thought of posting the pictures to her as well, but it just seems so impersonal. I have actually been planning to just go ahead and send them to her while I am in town. I appreciate all the feedback. Keep it coming. I don't head out there until Monday morning.

Haunted by Trigger 11

1. Love is love. That simple. Fix the love
if you mean it.

2. "Cheating" comes in many forms.
It doesn't just mean sex. Indeed, I've
found a sexual indiscretion easier for
women to deal with, than an emotional
one. Don't do this.

Actually, I disagree with that statement. The love for a child is like nothing else. The love for a parent does not compare to anything else. The love for a companion, as your companion, does not compare with anything else. Loving or caring for someone as the mother of my children is not the same as the last one. I had that with my ex and it has never even been close to that with my wife. We married because I wanted kids and was a wreck after losing my ex. We have one thing in common and didn't even get along back when we dated. We just both wanted kids and had both come out of break-ups for similar reasons (other person did not want kids).



So emotional cheating is a bad thing? I am way guilty of this anyway. I never stopped loving my ex. I believe if you ever do love someone, truly love them, then you never stop. The intensity only fades with time. As I said, I seek friendships with women to fill the emotional void left in my marriage. If I did not have these friendships, I don't think I could have lasted this long. It never goes any further than friendship, even though twice it could have, which made me feel guilty because the other women became attached to me.

ARGH!

I know the answer, but this still sucks!

The foundation is the love. The rest of this
is external. I know that my love for others is
all the same source. As is my love for mere
ideals. And it ain't sex. That's merely a form of
expression, which can be very beautiful. Hell, love
isn't always enough - gods do I know this, but it's
the underlying feeling - and 'tis all the same.




It can ruin a relationship.
I consider that bad.



There's a big difference between
feeling and cheating. What I meant
was making that person important in
your life again.



Could be me, speaking those words.
Most people just don't see it.


You have to be honest with your wife
about these though. And she to you, with
her feelings. Indeed, one wonders if they
are not some of the reason for the void.


Yeah. The hard ones do. Like I said, without
a good relationship with your wife, you're going
to be just further damaging things. That's where
you want to put your effort. It doesn't have to
be what everyone expects, but for your love,
you owe it.

In all honesty, I am honest to a fault with my wife. She knows about all of the other "girlfriends". She says it saves her the trouble of doing that stuff. She's even tried to hook me up with her older sister who is divorced and alone so she doesn’t have to do who other womanly duties. I know, I know that sounds soooo chauvinistic, but it is the honest truth. Their mother has even encouraged this.

Then there is my ex. I do not talk about her with my wife, as it is indeed a sore spot. She gave me an ultimatum long ago that I had to say I didn't love her anymore and I refused, because it would have been a lie. All of the explaining about what that truly meant in my mind and heart never mattered. I do not want to get back with my ex. I do still want to have a friendship with her though. Every day it still bothers me and its been ten freakin' years. All I would expect out of that friendship, especially due to the distance, is occasional e-mail and phone calls for important events. That is about it.

Last edited by Trigger11 on 26 Jul 2007, 7:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sounds like you have an odd,
though reasonable relationship.



Well, it is a sore spot. But, if you want this,
you should talk about it. If not, if you think
it's impossible, well, give it up.

I don't believe in ex sex.

Bringing her those pictures would be the nicest thing.

You have no agenda to sleep with her, so go see her. I know the pain of leaving the one who may have been right for you, but if it was ment to be it will happen later. My father fell in love at 18 and had two families and found his love again at 78. Grossly, they still have sex, but they are happier than ever. Why peak when young? Live the life you set, you never know whan your path will cross with your ex again, but SHE WILL NEVER FORGET your act of love and kindness. She will think about that on long, cold, dark nights when she looks at her husband and wonders where the tow of you went wrong...and she will!!

I just want to clarify that I have friends who are girls that provide the friend stuff. Not true "girlfriends" that I make out with or something. My sister-in-law is another story. Maybe I'll talk about that later in the adult forum.

I have a very odd and messed up relationship, if that is what you call it, indeed. My wife tells me every time I travel, which is about 20 times a year for an average of 4 days each trip, that she is glad I am gone, that if I die while on travel she will be glad to collect the insurance money (it is triple if I dies while on travel for my job), and that basically the only reason she keeps me around is for the money and the other thing I satisfy her with. Such a loving and caring woman really.

The only other compliment she gives me is about producing beautiful kids. What can I say? I make 'em cute.