Boys, Girls, and Wotnot...

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Hello, boys and girls...

I've been skulking around the forums for a bit, posting here and there, voicing my opinion when I feel like it, but now I need some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for some seven months. He's a bit quirky, like myself, and I originally thought he had AS. [He doesn't, or it hasn't been diagnosed. I highly doubt it.] So we've been together and in a great relationship, with a bit of a strange start. I was dating another guy when we started seeing each other, and I broke it off with my last boyfriend to be with this current boy.

So after a strange beginning that involved lots of secret meeting and surreptitious smiles, we started going out as an official couple. [DISCLAIMER: I know that seeing another guy was wrong, and both boys are aware of it, however...my motivations are sometimes fuzzy.] We went to prom, and aside from the occasional spat, things are...pretty great. We see each other almost every day in the summer and if not, we talk on the phone.

Sounds great, right?

It is, but something's wrong. In a relationship, I feel, [to more or less quote the great Jodi Picoult] there's always someone who loves more- someone who works in the relationship to give things up, to make things work, and someone who sails along for the ride. I'm that person. I'm the one who quells the storm after we fight, and the one who doesn't argue when criticism comes. [Although the things I do rarely ever get criticized. ] I don't complain when our plans get cancelled, and I'm the one who arranges my schedule around his.

We're two different people in that, if I'm depressed, all I want to do is be around him. If he's depressed, though, all he wants to do is be alone. I can respect that, but sometimes I'm a bit clingy.

The reason I say this is because I'm so afraid of losing him. I just worry that he'll call me up in the middle of the night and say, "I've been thinking about this, and it really can't work any more." or something, and that I'll lose him. Or that he'll fall for some other girl who is skinnier, prettier, more intellectual.

Please don't get the impression that I'm some insecure girl with no brains and this boy, whom I love dearly, that I try to impress. I'm not insecure at all, I'm anxious and I'm in love. I want to spend all my time with him and I really feel that he's someone I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. These aren't amateur feelings, and most people that I try to explain my anxieties to dismiss them as childish feelings that will eventually fade, but I think they're wrong.

I mean, have you ever felt so good about something that you've become depressed about it later, because it's just too good to be true? That's how I feel, and I don't know what I'd do if it ended.

I am currently in therapy, and I talk to my shrink about these problems. How I stay up in the middle of the night worrying about this. How I freak out if he doesn't call me for a day or two, thinking that something's wrong. And she's not a psychiatrist, so she cannot prescribe medications for me. I have, however, tried Zoloft and Prozac, though not at the same time, to keep my anxiety levels down. The Prozac made my moods more level, and I wasn't as anxious as I was like now, but I fell asleep every day at exactly 1:30, coinciding with my Chemistry Honors class and leaving my grades to the dogs. The Zoloft wasn't as potent with the sleep factor, but I was still sleepy and my parents said that I wasn't moody at all- in fact, I was apathetic either way, which they didn't want. So they took me off the medication, but I really want it back.

We've been trying to improve the relationship in various ways, and I'm trying to be easy-going with some of the changes, some of which, frankly, are for our own good. We haven't been having sex as often as we did before, [yes, I'm sixteen, you can deal with it. I'm a responsible teen and although I am young, I know what I'm getting into and feel that I'm dealing with it and communicating responsibly. No flames.] because when we had sex, say, five to seven times a week, we were depressed and didn't spend as much time together. So we've been moderating that. On one specific occasion, however, he sent me an email saying that he had to reconsider the relationship because of all the sex. This led to me having a mental breakdown during second and third period, and later, we discussed it, and we decided to moderate. But that's what scares me, the random and undecided feelings that may lead to him cutting us off.

I suppose that I'm rambling, by this point, but I need advice. We communicate regularly, we're healthy people, but sometimes I wonder if my AS is getting in the way. I'm not normally the kind of person to open up to just anyone, especially in such an intimate relationship, and I just don't know how many times this kind of wonderful feeling can happen to one person. I don't want to lose it, but I want to quell the anxiety.

Thanks for reading this, all that do, and if you want to respond in a more lengthy or private setting, do email me at my personal email addresss: zammdogg@yahoo.com

-Jess

you sound pretty much totally sensible and well adjusted, so maybe you are wrongly blaming your AS and not potential problems your boyfriend has - a boy complaining about too much sex???
You are only 16 so it is unlikely this will be your one and only relationship for life as your ideas and personality still have a lot of development. Enjoy this relationship while it lasts and don't get too obsessed with it. Make sure you have enough independance to stay interesting to him.

....sigh...

why can't more girls be like you?

Huh, trust me, it's not all that it's cracked up to be.

I'm not sure that I accept the italicized statement.
Relationships are asymmetrical, but it's never so
clear cut. Roles are defined, and evolve. Sometimes
changing. BOTH people have to work at it, but they
can do so in different ways. Maybe you're just not
noticing the things that he's doing. Or, maybe they
aren't what you need.


So, what makes you feel that way.
'Tis something about him. Something
which he is DOING. It can be unconscious,
but that in no way means that he loves you
less.



Talk to him about your fears. It's hard.
But, I think it will only endear you to him.
Communication is so important.



You'll only know later on. Go with what you feel
now. It's the only way to learn. If you're right -
perfect. If not, then you'll have a better filter
to judge by.



So much so as to even believe that it was permanent.
Sadly, nothing really is. Doesn't mean 'tis not worth
fooling oneself, if need be.



Sorry to hear this. I've found that such drugs seem
to make people much less than they once were,
even if they feel better, and can be more productive.
But, of course, this is your own choice.


Just do be careful. I'm pretty sure from your post that
you are, but some things can screw your whole life
over.


The more honest you can be with one
another, the more protection you have against this danger.



Trust him. Enough to talk and reveal everything
about you. And encourage him to do the same
with you. This is the most important part of love.
There are little physical aspects of this too. Just
being comfortable with one another. It's hard without
living with someone, but try and be as secure together,
as you would be alone. There should be nothing which
embarrasses you too much to share with one another.
Not just verbally.

It looks like you are doing all that you can to keep the relationship alive. Things between you may work out in the end but relationships do fail, sometimes suddenly and sometimes people just drift apart. An an AS sufferer you might be missing some of the little clues that keep things going so why not sit down with your boyfriend and talk things over. No sex, just talk.

Ed Almos

One other thought;

In the long run, people are as happy together as they were alone; as anxious together as they were alone, as whiny together as they were alone. It might help to work on the depression a lot as a distinct issue, aside from keeping the boy. That will leave you more free to figure out relationship things that need to be figured out. . . depression does complicate things.

That was all. Good luck, though.

One other thought;

In the long run, people are as happy together as they were alone; as anxious together as they were alone, as whiny together as they were alone. It might help to work on the depression a lot as a distinct issue, aside from keeping the boy. That will leave you more free to figure out relationship things that need to be figured out. . . depression does complicate things.

That was all. Good luck, though.

Isn't that basically what you did?

Is this the same guy you wrote to in the "Dear 'You'...From "Me"-Letters Unsent" thread?

You're obviously a great girl. I hate to see somebody like you mooning over a guy who isn't giving you the same level of devotion in return. Please explore your reasons for fearing the loss of this person.

The best advice anybody ever gave me was: "Don't settle."

Of course, I didn't listen. But I should have, and now I do.

Well, the funny thing is...he really wasn't. My previous boyfriend was pretty darn cute and smart and just...everything I could have wanted. But Geoff was different. Just...different.