my son cant seem to get a girlfriend

Post Reply New Topic

17 y/o neurotypical handsome boy ( looks like me so.. )

he goes out to bars with his friends but he is shy even after a few drinks

all his friends have girlfriends one is even getting married next year and he is invited to his wedding

but id like my boy to have a girlfriend

do you think he could be gay ? not that i would mind if he was or not but it just seems disheartening that my handsome baby doesnt have a relationship yet

he says he is too shy
is it ok to be shy ?

What are your son's hobbies, interests, if any?

Bars are generally not the best place to meet people. Are there any other, more focused group activities he enjoys that attract as many girls as boys?

Assuming your son is handsome and neurotypical (like you claim he is) then I think that he will be alright and eventually find someone to date.

There is this one book called Models by Mark Manson. It's a really good dating book and I highly recommend getting it for him, maybe buy it for Christmas. The information in that book will be useful for him if he decides to attend college in a year or two.

Does he have a job?  Does he have a car?  Does he have any creative talents?  Is/was he on any sports teams in high school?  Is he attractive in any way to women his own age?

In high school, I could not attract a girlfriend, so people thought I was gay . . . so I could not attract a girlfriend . . . so people thought I was gay . . . so I could not attract a girlfriend . . . so people thought I was gay . . . so I could not attract a girlfriend . . . so people thought I was gay . . . so I could not attract a girlfriend . . .

It was a vicious circle that did not end until after I got into college, got a job, got a car, got a place of my own, and started playing Jethro Tull flute music at acoustic "jam" sessions.

The acquire interest, one must first be interesting.  To attract women, one must first be attractive to women.

Last edited by Fnord on 20 Nov 2022, 9:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

When I was in high school, none of my parents or family ever wondered when I was going to get a girlfriend. They knew that as a short scrawny autistic kid, I was already a walking talking birth control.

So the fact that OP is wondering why her son doesn't have a girlfriend, she at least thinks that he's romantically desirable enough to have a girlfriend. And since mom's know their kids best, that probably means that he does have the potential to find someone.

he is having driving lessons at the moment

he is in college and has a part time job on saturdays but theres lots of girls at college and he is friends with a llot of girls but i think they all have boyfriends or arent interested

he was never that big on sports but he did used to go to the skate park with his friends on his skateboard or bikes but now that they have all left school and got jobs or studying in college they dont hang out at the skate park so much any more

i guess is it normal for mums to worry about their kids even if they are neurotypical or grown up

My son was shy in high school and never dated.His first serious GF was when he was around twenty.Then she broke his heart.He recovered but was devastated for awhile.
It may be a good thing he’s not in a relationship yet.It’s hard enough being a teenager, heart ache would just be something else to deal with.
He may be mature for his age and just not into the girls he’s met.

In the late teens/early twenties, finding a partner is harder for guys than it is for girls.

If you're a girl who's decently attractive, you can simply wait for guys to approach you, and you'll find a boyfriend quite easily. Many girls in that age range can find a new boyfriend with the snap of a finger, even if they're only average looking.

Being a guy, it's not that simple. If you're a man, you're expected to approach and initiate with girls you're interested in, which means shy or introverted guys usually have a harder time meeting girls. Really attractive men may be able to get away with shyness, but if you're average looking or lower, you can't get away with it. You're also held to a higher social skill standard, and any wrong move can easily put you in the "creep" territory, which is especially true if you're unattractive.

And don't even get me started on online dating. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, all of these apps only work for the top 10% of guys looks-wise. Online dating is a cut-throat competitive world for straight men, that can easily break your self-esteem if you're the sensitive type.

It is your son's decision and not yours on whether or not he should have a girlfriend. Maybe he's asexual and aromantic. Maybe he's just not ready. Maybe the human race needs to drop its unshakable belief that a person isn't "complete" unless they have a romantic/sexual partner, but I know that won't happen anytime soon, because there are still humans that think that bleach cures autism. And that vaccines contain mind-controlling microchips. And that the world is flat.

Might he be autistic? Being autistic makes it much harder to get a girlfriend.

Could end up as a "who has it easier" thread but yeah, autistic guys struggle and appear to struggle more than their female autistic counterparts.

He's only 17 and it's still very early days at the moment.

Last edited by Nades on 21 Nov 2022, 6:52 am, edited 2 times in total.

Oh, give it a break with that stuff.

He's 17. No need to worry, yet. He'll figure it out. The most important part is that he's actually going out and not sitting at home.

Are there girls that he likes, or girls he's in contact with regularly? If so, there's nothing nothing to worry about. Is he going to college?

he isnt autistic

iv already said in this thread that he goes to college and has girls as friends

I don’t sense he’s gay.

I sense he’s like many 17-year-olds—including myself at 17.

I didn’t get a steady girlfriend till I was 18.

I feel like he should continue hanging out with friends. And obsessing about “finding a girlfriend” would be counterproductive.

Who knows? Maybe he’ll meet somebody in college tomorrow. And if he doesn’t—there’s still plenty of time.

im not pushing it on to him or anything but i can tell he sometimes feels left out and wants a relationship

maybe once he starts driving

he is going abroad with 3 friends over Christmas so maybe he might meet someone out there

Some guys just seem to be late bloomers in that regard. Especially if they're popular, they're not desperate and for whatever reason not having a partner for sex doesn't seem to be a big deal. Especially this generation who seem to want to spend all their free time gaming rather than drinking and having sex.

He’s only 17—I wouldn’t call him a “late bloomer” yet.

It’s not like the old days. I sense that people are more cautious about dating than in years past.

Caz is right in not “pushing the issue.”