2 Aspies + difficult pasts-Can It Work ?

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Recently met, through an internet advert I put up for friends, a male whom is quite totally obviously aspie as well.
It was totally unexpected on both our parts... we just met up for weekend coffees and talking and something just seemed to naturally develop as we found we had so much in common in our pasts and in how we react to things emotionally.
I had been just wanting to make an effort to find some real life, local friends with similar interests and open minds, and he had been having a boring day in the office at work and happened, for the first time, to glance at the friendship section of the site I posted my ad on and found me interesting.

Anyway, sometimes, I wonder if we are too alike to make this work?
Both have had bad experiences with the opposite gender and both reacted by putting guards up and by coming to expect the worst of things.
We both seem to expect to not be good enough etc, or for the love to just stop if we make a mistake.

To begin, it was idyllic...we had no arguments and didn't clash at all, but since living together for the last 3 weeks or so, a certain destructive pattern has been emerging. If I say anything that even hints that he has upset me...or that I might want some space, he takes it to heart and his reaction is to either become so ashamed and to feel so unwanted that he tries to grab his stuff and go home for the night, or to decide that he is intruding and that he is a burden to me, with the same reaction to those feelings.

Now, I have abandonment fears from my past, and also am bipolar, so each time he reacts in this impulsive, automatic way to any sense of shame or feeling unwanted, I react to the feeling of being abandoned, so thus far this last week, we have had some very bad nights where he has grabbed his stuff to go, and I have gotten very upset because when he is in that state of mind, he is very difficult to reason with. We both tend to turn to drink when our feelings overwhelm us also, and I have had several nights where he has had to literally pick me up off the floor of my apt/flat because I have got through a whole bottle of alcohol to deal with the clashes when they arise.

On Friday, he had a couple of beers (he has, in the past, been a drinker to deal with issues and to sleep), and this seems to automatically add to his negativity. He came to meet me, and I said 'We seem to be going backwards'. This was all it took to trigger his negativity and for him to decide I needed a break from him and to grab all his stuff to go home. I clammed up and had no idea what to do, so I walked out of my flat and left him to it. He went home and got totally drunk. I got drunk too and took an overdose because I cannot deal with that sort of situation.

Other times, we are the closest couple you can imagine...we have a lot of fun, we are open, we are affectionate with one another, we do everything together.

Just these remnants from our pasts seem to be really messing things up. We can analyse it afterwards and see what is happening, but it does not help when impulse comes into the equation.

I don't know what the solution might be to this ?

i would avoid finding any solution to the problems described and work on, instead, identifying hte problems at hand.
it is entirely possible that neither of you is capable of being in a relationship with each other or with anyone else, with so many back issues going on.
work at identifying htese issues...which you appear to have done. and working at them.
i dont think you can do this....and have any relationship.
i also think that once dealt with, a relationship will follow normally.
but....you sound like your in a messy spot. normal for AS, so normal for AS.

Sounds to me like a communication breakdown (lol, led zeppelin) is happening since each of you is interpreting the same words in different ways. Probably the best idea would be for you to sit down and go over with him what exactly you define "personal space" to be. If he knows that by "personal space" you don't mean "gfto", he will be less likely to feel unwanted, and therefore that whole chain reaction won't keep happening...

ToadOfSteel is right. Best thing to do is be open about your respective issues. Also, when you get annoyed, try to focus on and remember all the positive things in the relationship.

You say you met recently, and you've been living together three weeks... given your bad experiences in that past, I'm leaning towards that being part of the problem. Without time to know each other, there is no opportunity to relearn responses and realize that this person is not the person who hurt you in the past. That is a challenge, especially when we can be so thirsty for human companionship. Communication, sharing, perhaps even finding someone to help the two of you work through your reactivity issues, all would be options. Good luck -


M.

you might want to look into what the 'Co-Dependent' dynamic is all about.

your fear of abandonment and his fear of being in the way coalesce to bring out your worst fears and you both act them out when stressed.

I personally hope you can work it out.

Merle

Can you communicate your fears and thoughts to him through writing, in the same way as you have posted your worries on this forum.
I tend to think writing allows time for us to measure our words and be able to express our thoughts more clearly and with less emotion.
Just a thought.
good on you for finding another man, hope it works out well.

I think that you have a future, specially if you say that you're very alike :)

My opinion is that living together was too soon, and I'd recommend that one of you return to his/her house, or have your personal areas, for that "alone" time.

Also, as Toad said, both of you need to put more effort and do more explanation of what you need in your communication.

And, both of you must stop drinking if you want the relationship to last. Othewise it'll be an extra "filter" in the miscommunication.

Your relationship sounds similar to mine in many ways except that my boyfriend and I neither argue nor live together.

We are very similar, and there are many AS-like things about him, so I see both the long-term potential and the necessity to take things slow and be sensitive to one another's needs.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are trying to be sensitive to one another's needs as well, but maybe you should reconsider the idea of living together right away?

I used to think it was normal for couples to live together right away, especially if there is a strong connection, but my boyfriend has been adamant about having his own space (as in his own place to live), not seeing each other every day at this point, and really taking our time about trying to live together - I mean years if at all.

At first I wondered if this was a sign that I shouldn't trust him, but then I saw that it was simply connected to his AS-like personality traits (I'm refraining from making assumptions about whether he has AS or not). He needs to have his own space whenever he needs it and he needs major changes in his life to occur very slowly.

Once I came to understand and respect these things, I realized the same applied to me as well. I realized that I, too, benefit from major life changes occurring gradually, as well as having a lot of time and space to myself.

Perhaps there is some parallel in your situation.

I think that my boyfriend and I are both dealing with some ramifications of past relationships kind of like what you described, and resulting dynamics. But I think the fact that we are taking everything so slowly makes a big difference. I know that being at home by myself at least every other night gives me time to process these things and figure out how to deal with anything that needs to be dealt with. So we both address any concerns in a calm, casual manner, and there is no drama.

One difference that could be relevant is that my boyfriend and I are both cool-headed, emotionally distant types, and there are no serious issues with drugs or alcohol.

However, in the distant past, I struggled with substance abuse and management of emotions, and I successfully overcame both of these things, so I know it's possible! Perhaps you should consider taking some time to address these issues and experiment with solutions.

Congratulations on finding love and I wish you both the best of luck!

my heart goes out for you Graelwyn!
((hugs))

this is what happens to me everytime I try to make a relationship, only its usually me grabbing my stuff and leaving.

I screw every relationship up, most times before it even starts, so though I can offer you no advice my thoughts will be with you and I am sending you good luck vibes

hope it sorts itself out G!

Well it has currently hit rock bottom.
Very bad few nights. I have a very bad landlord/landlords's daughter, and the night before last, Colin went to dig up some bugs for my geckos as I ran out of food. He made the error of going to the piece of land between this house and the landlord's clubhouse, and they came out, telling him he was on private property and having a go at him. He responded in kind and got angry and defensive, I believe. Next thing I know, the landlord's daughter is telling me that if she sees my 'mouthy friend' here again, she will evict me.

So, I have a massive meltdown, and he decides it is best to go home and keep away from my flat for now. My response to that was to panic and become suicidal. He did not come back to help, which I decided meant he did not care about me. Next day, I voiced my feelings that he didn't love me or care about me and he just got quite angry and went on a drinking binge, I believe, and said some hurtful things. I became highly suicidal and stressed, and almost took another overdose, as I could not reach him as he was in the same state as I was. He did ask if I was alright, but when he called, his voice was all cold and formal and that triggered me worse.

I just don't know what to do. When things are calm, we are so good together, but last night was Hell on earth...he was like a total stranger to me and now I have lost just about all of the trust I built up. I always felt I need someone stronger than me, someone who could provide stability but he cannot do that, I don't feel. I cannot think up a solution. His drinking is half the problem, and probably my doubts and trust issues, but if I cannot openly talk of those without him drinking, what hope is there?

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am left feeling so ill and drained and vulnerable because with me, I am either emotionally switched off or fully emotionally switched on.

That's not the right way to be in a relationship, you don't need to find something in others, you need to find it first in Yourself, not others. If that person is someday gone, you'll be left exactly the same, no progress on your part.
Hope I'm explaining myself.



You need to have a talk, and bring into the table the alcohol issue, and AS of course. Maybe it'll be of help to identify the parts where it (AS) gets in the middle.

You are already trying, and that's great, but if you see no involvement on his part, what's left to do?

I keep hearing that, and while I can understand the logic behind it, I never understood why this seems so ubiquitous...

Think about it. What is the point of a relationship if not to find a character quality that just doesn't exist within yourself? Procreation can happen without a relationship, and is even socially acceptable in this day and age. So what other purpose would a relationship serve than two incomplete people becoming more complete through the other person involved?

Seeking that quality externally makes you dependent/reliant on someone else... that can be really unhealthy. It is often desirable to find that within ourselves, even in limited amount... so as to appreciate it fully in another.


M.

I never liked that idea of finding everything in yourself, since that is making the arrogant assumption that you are perfect (and we all know that there is no such thing as a "perfect human"...)

I'm not going so far as to suggest that in each person there is a perfect embodiment of every aspect; only that one is better off finding some part of that in themselves, so that they aren't reliant exclusively on another person in that regard, and that without knowing it to some degree in yourself then you cannot fully appreciate or recognize it in others. Not sure where the concepts of arrogance or a perfect human were introduced. We all have bits, good and bad... by knowing these, we can understand them in others better; I'm not sure where there is arrogance in this.


M.