The "Why Doesn't He GIVE a s**t?" Post...

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I wrote a post about a month ago regarding my relationship and the anxieties that surrounded it.

I'm upset to report that things have gotten worse, as far as I'm concerned, instead of going up.

On the one side, we've done amazing things together. This isn't one of those relationships that people are always saying, "Oh, we never have anything to talk about. Oh, we never have anything to do." We get out. We do things. And really, he's not directly doing anything big that's bothering me, like cheating or abusing me or, oh, I don't know, using me as a secret drug mule.

But the smallest things he does have lately led me to believe that he's not interested any more, or that he's upset about SOMETHING. For instance, he never calls me. The last time he called was on August 24th at 11:28 to see when he could come over. He never calls me before I go to work to tell me he hopes I have a good day. If I'm on a trip, he doesn't call to tell me he misses me. HE NEVER CALLS. Instead, I'm the one calling him sounding like some sort of a freak when I call to tell him good night, or that I miss him, and when I say these things, he usually dismisses them like they're yesterday's news. Just for once, I'd like to hear him say something like, "I miss you, too, Jess" or, "I love you."

And I feel like some sort of an obsessive-compulsive loser. I mean, just imagine what his Incoming Calls phone register looks like. I must look crazy. But his not calling is what leads me to call him, because I worry that when he doesn't call, something's wrong. And whenever I do get him on the phone, [his cell phone's off] he always sounds irritated to have to talk to me, and the conversations are abrupt and usually end with me feeling worse than I did before.

Last night, I called him up because I was feeling pretty upset. I had had a rehearsal conflict with my choral director, and there was some miscommunication and I was feeling frustrated and embarrassed that I had messed up my appointment. So I called him up and spoke to him. You'd think he would offer some advice, or at least a few soothing words. I'm not asking for a shrink, here, just some sympathy for a stressed-out girl. I get nothing. I had to ask him if he was still on the line a few times because he just wasn't saying anything. After I finished, he still didn't say a damn word. I asked him if he could come over. He said no. His allergies were acting up and he was going to rest. So we hung up.

And the thing that irritates me the most is that if he called me up and asked me to come over, [not that he would...I've never been over his house. He's always at mine and my parents are extremely courteous about leaving us alone.] if I was in bed-ridden pain, I'd be there in ten minutes. I'm always thinking of how I can make him happy- slipping a greeting card in his car, patching his favorite messenger bag, or just emailing him once a day, and he's never responsive. I don't get a "thank you" for anything I do, and quite frankly, I'm at the end of my rope.

I'm in love, dear readers, and I don't know if there's any way I can confront him on this. I don't want to break up with him. It's not that I can't, because if I got it into my head that he was a horrible person, I would give him the boot. I'm not dating him because I feel sorry for him, I'm dating him because I'm really, truly, in love with him. He's said he loves me, but I don't know if he's in love with me. I've got unusually stong emotions for your average 16 year old, and frankly, I think that we can stay together.

Something similar to this happened in June, and later on, he gave me a note saying that he'd been fickle with his emotions and that he'd try harder so we could make things work. I honestly believe that he loves me to this very day, and I'd be the first to tell him if I thought it'd be better if we were apart because of the drifting, but I don't think that's the problem at all.

He's not reading this, but I love him despite his flaws, and I just wish there was some way to quell my anxiety and raise his a little. Things are a tad too casual and I want him to know that my feelings are hurt, but I'm willing to keep trying.

I don't know. Advice? Adages? Cookies? Whatever.

I honestly can't make it all the way thru the post. So forgive me if this seems brusque. It isn't meant to be.

Read a book called "He's Just Not That Into You".

Have some cookies.

Mmm...cookies.

I'd say that if he seems to be rejecting you, you should ask him for the honest truth. I was in a relationship, and I knew that we weren't compatible or really in love in the end. Just obsession. I split up with her after thinking about it honestly, and gathering up the courage, and we both accepted that. However, the girl hated me a week after for some odd reason, and still does.

Be honest with yourself, it's really important in a relationship.

MINE!

Mmm...aspie to go with cookies.

I didn't real the whole post but i read till 24 august .

The last time he called you was 24 august ,so only 3 days ago and in case you call him a lot there's no need for him to call you a lot . I think this is fine .....we guys don't usually like to talk on phone a lot anyways and a lot of us don't like to show that we worship the girl ... umm you got the idea.

Is he aspie btw ?

I think you need to discuss what sort of relationship you want to have with each other. To be honest I struggle with somebody calling me up all the time though that probably wouldn't make you feel any better.

I not sure but are you having enough time you your respective selves other than work? If he is not getting enough time to do his hobbies then he won't be recharged for you. Calling him up when he is trying to focus is going to make him ratty.

You sound quite stressed, have you thought about having some counselling? It could be a positive move. lead by example then he might come too.

YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN TO HIS HOUSE ?

he never says he loves you or misses you, then why do you think he loves or misses you?

we Aspies are good at making it all up in our own minds, really good . . .

Perhaps he just isn't very demonstrative. Not all guys are and maybe try backing off for a while. I know it will be hard but pushing him to be more demonstrative will only make him less so. It's a shame but that seems to be how these things work.

This is just something that all 16-year-olds have to go through. Hormones have taken over your mind, and are building up illusions associated with one person. You won't be 16 forever, so, follow your heart, and chase after him while you can.

...Gather ye rosebuds while ye may...

Sorry my ADD got me I didn't get as far as 16 year old.

I've been in a similar relationship myself.

As a result, and speaking from nothing other than hard-gained experience, I offer you these words of advice...

Leave him now, otherwise you'll only get more tied up. Despite your emotional strength don't forget that you are -only- 16. I'm 21 and still bumble around hopelessly in my present capacity as a single soul, despite at 18 thinking I had found the love of my life.

Don't entrust your bloodbank to Dracula, as my (usually) wise Father often says. I think it makes sense in this situation. That is all.

Three days is a long time not to talk to someone you're exclusively dating, if there isn't some good reason. . . like, when I lived in Taz and was dating a Baltimoron, I was a little hard to get a hold of.

On the original post; I'd just tell him. It sounds like he may not be as interested in you as you are in him. That could change, but you may want to ask yourself- do you want him, if you had to push him into it?

And I pray your answer is no. . .

Strength of feeling is not the primary thing that makes a relationship last. . .

Why necessarily? I see your point it is not conventional, but maybe that is what they need just to see each other on weekends. A controversial idea is that some couples actually spend too much time with each other, they become two dependent but the bond is not there it is just self perpetuating angst. Kind of similar to how this girl is writing to be blatantly honest. I know it is different when you generally do care for someone, but still doesn’t mean you aren’t both stuck in a negative behavioural cycle. From what I’ve read humans are experts of learning bad behaviours they get stuck in these cycles and the don’t know how to break the cycle or worse aren’t even aware that it is bad. Forget about blame and fault that is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. The question is can you be creative and smart and mature enough to break the cycle? They might want to approximately map the cycle(s) between both her and him. Probably best to read a few CBT books so to get the general idea.

I have noticed in quite a few posts by aspies, this issue of wanting to be called, etc, needing affirmation a lot, needing real, obvious assurance of the other's feelings for us, even being somewhat clingy and needy...yet, it makes no sense as aspies are, at least I thought, mostly known to dislike that behaviour in others when it comes to themselves?

Is this an aspie thing, the insecurity in relationships and need for reassurance and contact?