This 'love' life is killing me

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I had my one and only girlfriend a couple years ago. She was autistic too. We hit it off. It was both of us's first real relationship, so inevitably we had a few hiccups, but we were fine. She was everything to me. She was the only person I ever felt I could truly be myself with. Then she changed. She got addicted to drugs - first basic stuff like weed, then harder stuff like speed and ecstasy. She stopped liking the same things. She started hiding things from me, talking to random/dodgy people, even entertaining boys, even if she swore she would never cheat on me. She drifted away. It's as if she died and became someone else.

We broke up after 16 months together. I couldn't take the stress. It's kind of nuanced and hard to convey what went on over a forum post. Thus began 8 months of agony. I spent probably about a week holed up in my room, unable to get out of bed. Attributing to autism I guess it was the loss of a cornerstone of my life and someone who I had become very much dependent on and used to, so the loss of the routine destroyed me. Inevitably I desperately started looking for people to fill her spot. Not even necessarily romantic partners, just someone. I guess I started trying to talk to girls I already new. Rejection after rejection after rejection. Whatever reason. 'I'm with someone', 'I'm not interested in a relationship', to name the more pleasant ones - the rest were far more cold and hurtful. Maybe it was my fault. I've always been labelled weird and creepy. I guess I've often been a bit smothering or without-boundary. Based on experience I also don't particularly think I'm very physically attractive or handsome.

I had friends at the time. Not friends that I particularly connected with, but at least friends I could just about hang out with and joke around with. I kind of gave up on girls for a little while, just kind of mourning the loss of my girlfriend.

I was getting kind of depressed when I went on Roblox (I am a teenager, after all). One thing led to another and somehow I had met a girl. A girl my age who lived in the same city as me, and surprisingly a real person rather than a predator. To be honest, I fell in love with a girl I met on Roblox. She was just everything I needed at the time. A person to love. A person who liked me and I could be me with. We spent often up to 12 hours at a time playing Roblox or Minecraft together. She was my escapism. I was free from the curse of my ex girlfriend. Eventually I opened up to her. I told her how I felt. She confided in me. She told me about her insecurities. We kind of just fell into a relationship.

Not long after she told me that she didn't think she was actually really romantically interested in me and that she in fact thought she might be aro/ace. That was fine. I respected that. I was really upset for a couple of days, but we just stayed close friends after. We still spent loads of time together, speaking, playing. But after a couple of months she dropped me. I begged her to come back. Maybe that was weird too. She actually used to read my messages and ignore them simply to torment me (she said this herself). Eventually I managed to have a real conversation with her and she told me in great detail of how weird I am, all the weird things I've said or done, how her friends kept asking her to block me. Then she left for good. Around the same time I also left my friends behind. I fell out with some, and the rest fizzled away. School was over for summer, so it's not like I was seeing anyone or even leaving the house.

I had nobody. Maybe I had a few people I was still friends with, but they were (and still are) just the kind of friends you send a funny video to, maybe have a conversation every once in a while. I again tried to speak to more girls. Being the kind of guy who doesn't leave the house, all I could really do was try to talk to girls online who I knew vaguely in person, if at all. Half of them didn't acknowledge me. The rest were not interested, to say the least. I have a list of all my failed attempts at relationships. It's pretty long for the 3 years it covers. So here I am now. I'm completely alone. Girls hate me. Guys couldn't care less about me. Everyone thinks I'm creepy. My daily routine consists mostly of me lying in bed depressed about my ex girlfriend and my ex whatever-she-was. How they used to like me. How they don't anymore. How I matter so little to them that they're happy and doing their own thing with other people while I'm sat here completely destroyed. I'm still trying to talk to people. Still praying I'll run into someone who wants to be with me. But I'm just slowly withering away in my room. No friends. No love.

Is this forever?

I understand where your coming from. I met my first girlfriend on a forum for a common interest. She had dyslexia & ADHD & I also had dyslexia & ADD in addition to my autism so we quickly became best friends. She was the fist person I ever majorly related to & connected with. After a couple months she told me she liked me. She lived in a neighboring state. I was 20 & she was a bit younger than me & in school so we couldn't really meet up much or spend much time together offline. The stress of us being mostly long distance & that continuing for the foreseeable future was frustrating & painful, probably more so for me since I didn't really have anything else going on in my life. I was trying my best to find a job but I only had a high-school diploma & no work experience on top of having some physical disabilities so my options were limited to minimum-wage things that get lots of apps & I was almost never getting calls about interviews.

She had some problems with drugs & alcohol she was trying to quit when we became friends & for a while she was managing OK. However she eventually cheated on me with her ex because he offered her cocaine. I couldn't trust her after that & I became controlling & unstable out of fear of losing her. We started fighting a lot & her issues got worse. We eventually mutually decided to breakup. Not long after she was bragging online about how she drank so much she woken up in the hospital a couple days before. I flipped out & I slashed my arm & had to go to the ER to get superglue stuff put on. I started seeing a psychiatrist after that & faking a few psych meds. I haven't heard anything since because she never posted another thing there or the other online forums we had used. I tried googling & various other online searches with her real name, her screen names & stuff like that but I never found anything more recent. Our online circle of friends lost touch with her then as well. I didn't use social media so me looking her up on there wasn't an option. I could have tried messaging her or calling but I didn't want to stir up those emotions for her & I highly doubt her mom would have wanted to hear anything from me. I just wanted to know if she was OK or not.

I was miserable being single after that & I was desperate for another relationship. I was very depressed when I was single after my first relationship ended. I was a workaholic when I was working because staying busy kept my mind from dwelling too much on loneliness. I tried meeting women various ways like through work when I was employed, support groups offline & online, trying to find ways to hang out with one of my neighbor to maybe make a move on her, asking friends & my cousins to set me up with someone, I tried LOTS of different dating sites all of which without so much as a single date. It didn't help that my area is kind of rural & I cant drive. My interests have always been things people do at home. The typical types of things people do in that area involving socializing & meet others would be me pretending to be something I'm not like parties, bars & clubs, sporting events, fishing competitions, live music festivals & events, Mardi Gras parades, & church. I was very open to a relationship starting as long distance online for a bit & meeting up some & then me relocating.

As for as me being creepy, I'm sure I did creep a bit of women out but there were also plenty I didn't creep out. I find different people can have very contradictory opinions of me even if they've known me in the same environment at the same time. It's like others try to subconsciously apply stereotypes to me & I do not conform to any stereotypes so I can get tossed in very different categories.

I was single for 8 years straight before I got in my second relationship with a woman on this forum. I've made quite aLOT of posts about being lonely & she replied mentioning she was kind of wanting the same thing I was so I asked in the thread if I could PM her. She broke up with me after about half a year. Part of the reason why is because she was in college & was dependent on her parents to help cover her expenses & they were very conservative & wanted out relationship on their terms. She lived in a neighboring state as well(same one as my first) & we did meet up there once. It would of been a lot easier for her to have a secret relationship with someone living in the area like meeting someone at college. Another reason is that I felt like the relationship was one-sided(her side) because it had to be with her being in college. I was frustrated with feeling like she was a much more important to me than I was to her. I felt pushed away & like she had expectations for me I couldn't meet. I loved her & I hated the idea of being single again so I was very desperate to try making our relationship work. I took it out on her & some of the issues I had in my fist relationship came back. I'm NOT trying to sound like I'm blaming her here because I blame myself more. I should have listened to the writing on the wall & broke up with her myself instead of acting out with her so she would.

Shortly after that breakup my current girlfriend PMed me here after reading lots of my posts for a bit. She thought I seemed like a great catch & still doesn't understand why other women weren't interested in me. She's very unique & has various issues herself some of which I can relate to & some I cant. Cass understands & gets me better than anyone else ever has She lived across the county from me & we met up a few times during a 9 month period before I moved in with her. We've been living together 12 & a half years now. We're not married because she's disabled as well & getting married would screw up her benefits.


OP your displayed age is 16 so I would advise you against trying to get in an online relationship right now. Wait till your 18 & out of high-school; I think high-school is different in London than here in the US though so that part might not be relevant but try to focus on school if your still in school. Think things over & analyze things to try learning what you can from your experiences but keep in mind that different women & people in general can be very different from each other. You might have better luck in different environments or communities & it's good if you can find places where you fit in better or are appreciated more. I think certain niche forums work better for me because I don't make great first impressions & with forums active members can kind of get an idea of what other attractive members may be like from our various posts instead of social media or dating sites which tend to be more shallow & various users are mostly advertising themselves without any substance but that just my opinion.

May I not be a "relationship veteran" like above (neither had long-term love, so far), but I went thru two very-short-lived (one was month, second 3 weeks maybe?) relationships and had been chatting for some time with girls on one dating site. Right now I don't search for gf at all, but that's because of my upcoming plan of long-desired move out abroad.

Likely non-exhaustive list of "So Far What I Know And What I Learned™":
- Don't let hormones / affection drive you at the beginning (It may be fatal for fresh relationship). Get yourself to know her first.
- Never be desperate (It WILL be fatal for ANY relationship)
- Balance your engagement. If ya see you're leading conversation all the time, then there's something wrong.
- If you think something you're about to say may be potentially weird, rethink it thrice if not more. Sometimes just one wrong word may bring unforeseen consequences
- Regardless of how perfect should she be, remember to live for yourself. Ye never know whether it's "that girl" or if she doesn't abruptly changes like in example you gave
- It's not always your fault. Some people pretend everything is okay and then one day they write paragraphs to you how horrible you are. Some people pretend everything is okay then trash you out of nowhere. There ain't much help for some people not being people.
- Leave past in the past, don't think about your ex. It will only keep you in pain.

I got only two acquaintances "to send a funny video to", and maybe cousin with who I met once a year and then completely lost contact with him again once he returns to oblivion of Holy Cross voivodeship. Some people even don't have that.

Also yeah, remember you're sixteen (provided your age here is set correctly). I hadn't a crush till I was 17.5 year old. My uncle (Which is NT) didn't have a date till his middle of twenties. Maybe my brother (being nearly 2y younger) is in successful relationship since 2023, but he was in few abusive / toxic / just awkward relationships beforehand.

TL;DR life is just ahead of you, don't give up yet.

Very sorry to hear how your seemingly great relationship went sour.

Your displayed age is only 16. I assume your former girlfriend is around the same age as you?

Hopefully, as you get older, you will find someone more stable. Teenagers tend to be prone to sudden radical changes. Older people, much less so.

Aged like raspberries left in open air...