affection and flirting is missing

Post Reply New Topic

I am a neurotypical man in a loving relationship with someone who has autism. She is single mom to two daughters, also ASD. (They are all in my opinion, "high functioning". If there is something offensive about that term, please correct me.) Our romantic relationship is relatively new but I have been good friends with her for three years. She seeks my company, allows me to be a part of her world, and often invites me to be included in activities with her little family. The needs of dealing with her daughters and the impact of autism on their education requires that she and I spend most of the week apart but we are in frequent contact via txt messaging throughout each day. I start each day by texting good morning to her, and I end each day with a text saying good night, and she responds in kind.

However, she doesn't seem interested in verbal affection or affirmations of love in any capacity. I know from recent conversations that when I share sweet sentiments or flirt through text, it does not resonate with her. She does not reciprocate and my efforts will often go unrecognized, which doesn't feel good. She has said plainly that sharing affirmations of love or flirting though text seems performative and unnatural to her. I can also say that in-person interactions do not include verbal affirmations of loving feelings or flirting much at all either. It is common for me to say something in-person sweet or flirtatious and it often goes unrecognized or unreciprocated, which makes me feel unappreciated. I know from asking her that those gestures make her feel loved, so I have every reason to believe that she understands what I'm doing and that similar gestures from her would feel good to me. . .but I see very little of that. And I miss it.

If I were someone else reading this, I would think, "bro, are you sure she is dating you?" Yes, she does tell me that she loves me, and opportunities for sharing sex and intimacy absolutely are initiated and encouraged by both parties. We have affirmed that we are monogamous and committed. But she seems to lack a warmth that I have enjoyed in other relationships, both in expressing and reciprocating affirmations of love and expressions of affection. I plan to discuss this with her soon but I'm looking for insight anywhere that I can find it so I am sharing this here.

What I would ask for insight into is:
- is this a typical behavior for ASD individuals?
- are there things I should be looking for that could be giving me clues for what she is showing me to show affection?
- has anyone else faced this?
- has anyone else been able to see a change in this that both parties felt was successful?

She's clearly demonstrated her devotion to you and how.she appreciates having you in her life. I think that should be enough. I understand why you crave verbal affection. Maybe if you listen to how she talks to you, you might recognize the affection in the words she uses.

It is obviously fictional but the relationship between Sheldon and Amy on the Big Bang Theory suggests that change is possible over a long period of time. I've changed some things over time, such as being able to wear tight fitting clothes.

A premise of the show is that Amy knows and is willing to play the long game to have a relationship with Sheldon.

One sees this issue in golf. Many guys have swing flaws they can't correct, even with expensive lessons.
Women are much more likely to have textbook swings. I can find and fix issues with my golf swing.
I've even taken advice from playing partners and instantly fixed stuff!