To those of you married to/coupled with an NT

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Tell me about your relationship. What are the pro's? Con's?

I am currently engaged to someone who is very much NT. I'm beginning to have some issues with this. My last relationship, which was about 2 years, was with a guy who was just as screwed up as me, if not worse. We clung real bad to each other, and it sucked. But at least we had that mutual understanding that pizza's are ordered online, not over the phone. And money is withdrawn from the ATM, not by a bank teller. Skip as many family gatherings as possible. Avoid the neighbors or they'll start knocking on our door asking for sugar or something gay like that.

So my fiance... has friends. Likes to keep in touch with them. Is close with his family, in fact, his little brother moved in with us (little brother took MONTHS of adjustment for me, I do like him though). He knows a lot of people in the area. He used to live here years ago, and his family is only 40 minutes away. As for me, any remnants of friends I have, also my family, are 300 or more miles away. I am so far out of my comfort zone it isn't even funny.

Don't get me wrong, I love the sense of normalcy he brings to me (and especially my son's) life. But I'm beginning to feel exhausted and claustrophobic. I feel like I have people invading my home constantly (the NT fiance wouldn't even begin to understand that feeling). I'm really not one for quality family time. In fact I pretty much hate family, and all the pointless obligations and attachments that come with. Not to mention his mom hates me.

I'm just beginning to feel suffocated by all the social BS. I'm not NT, and I never will be. I can function around people without being downright frightened these days, but still know that I will always feel that exhaustion, and it will never be pleasant.

How would you work around that, dating an NT?

Never been in quite that situation.
I think everyone that I've been with
was either on the spectrum, or had
similar issues. However, I tended to
crave socializing more than my wife,
especially since I was an avid wargamer.

I would regularly have a fairly large
group of gamers over. We were living
in a pretty decent sized place, and she
could hide, without it being a problem.
If she felt VERY comfortable with the
particular people, she'd join in, sometimes.
But usually, she'd just be on her own, and
we'd be mostly sequestered in one room.
If she felt particularly antisocial, she'd hide
in the bedroom, but that usually wouldn't
be necessary. Space is a good thing.

What's hard is that everyone my fiance is close to happens to be very... loud an pushy? Especially his family. They're the type who'll be like "OH WHERE'S KRISTA? UPSTAIRS? KRIIIISTTTAAAA!! !!". I just want to take a nap when everyone comes over, but also don't want to reinforce all the wonderful (sarcasm) things I'm sure people already think about me. I just wish didn't have to hide in my own home yunno.

ARGH! I know what you're talking about.
The ONLY thing I can think of (and I'm not
sure how likely this is to work), is to have
him explain this to his family/friends. My own
friends were probably damned close to the
spectrum as well, so this was never a
real concern. Yeah, we'd make noise, but
not directed at her.


You might want to repeat the question
in the adult in depth section (or just drop
a link). There are a lot of people there, who
have been through such match ups. Don't tend
to show up in this section too much though.

I try to be pretty secretive about my issues, and especially with is family. They already think I'm a weirdo. I don't think I could bare having him explain to them. Also they're really... God how do I say this without sounding terrible? They're very NT, and I just don't think there's a chance in hell they'd understand. They're a rough bunch. His mom's an ex heroin addict, everyone (including my fiance) pretty much just got out of jail. Intellectual pursuits or anything having to do with the mind period is not something I find them likely to understand. I just feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do. At the very least I just need someway to make my fiance understand how I feel.

If you can't talk to him about this,
I don't understand how you can be
considering marriage. I don't know
how NAS's operate, but I really don't
think that I could handle someone I
couldn't be open with.

If you can, and can have him on your
side, he can help to arrange things so
that life isn't as uncomfortable for you.
Like, making excuses, and holding get
togethers at other people's houses. He
doesn't have to try and explain too much,
just saying that you have a headache, and
are resting, should be sufficient.

I'm just not sure he fully grasps that I can't help the way I feel around some people.

Seems he's your only possible
ally, in such a circumstance.
You're going to have to make
him understand.

Is it that he doesn't understand at all why loud, high intensity social interaction is a problem, or is it that he thinks this is just a bad habit of yours, and enough exposure to the full joys of family life will convert you? If he doesn't get it at all, I don't know whether more examples would help. If he thinks it's just you, and something that is easily changed, perhaps he could benefit from a little exposure. There are several books which either explain ASD or are written from the point of view of people with ASD. There's Temple Grandin's autobiography, there's "The curious incident of the dog in the night time", there's "The Speed of Dark". If reading is not his thing, there are videos on youtube, and podcasts. At least he would see that you are not the one and only weirdo on the planet who doesn't like family gatherings.

Or try him on an analogy. Ask him how he would feel if you had a snooty upper class family who insisted he comes along to the opera, and formal dress dinner parties. Probably his initial reaction would be that he would despise them for being so stuck up, but then ask him to imagine that everyone is like that, and they all look down on him for not being like them. He wouldn't have friends who confirm that being himself is just fine, everyone would keep going on about how he has to be posh.

Perhaps that is not a good example, because he might think you despise his family. find a situation which you know is uncomfortable for him, and ask him to imagine how he would cope if he had to do this all the time without unwinding with his friends. You happen to need to do your unwinding alone or with your son and him, instead of a lot of friends and family.

I hope this might work. I haven't had to try because I have managed to evade pressure to be social, rather than having to deal with it directly.

I wouldnt ask them whether they are NT or not until the third date.
I think it is quite a personal question.

I can't make a blanket statement whether I prefer dating NTs or aspies. I've dated both, but I generally get attracted to people in whole. I could say "oh I only want to date aspies" but if I got attracted to an NT, it'd prove that statement wrong.

I'm currently dating an aspie and it's working out great. However, I don't think I can say that the success of the relationship is tied to the fact that she happens to be an aspie. I'm very picky so it's amazing that she also happens to be an aspie, considering how hard it is to find aspies, much less female ones.

calandale you have friends and a wife in the spectrum in real life? How did you meet them? I dont know of anyone like that near me:/

Not anymore. Friends fell away mostly, over time.
Wife gave me the boot.

All started out in college. Met a couple of very interesting
guys during orientation, and just snowballed. Not everyone
was ON the spectrum, I'm sure. Most were wargamers though,
which tends to be a group with fairly 'nerdy' ways. I'd guess
about 1/2 should have qualified.

Anyhow, met a lot of people through some really wonderful
folks whom I'd guess were definitely NOT AS, but fit in well,
while having real social skills.

Seems that certain areas have a higher concentration though.
For example, here in Eugene, I've met a handful of members
of this site. Add to that the fact that the CS department has
a few people showing some definite signs too. I think that there
are a lot more people who are very much like us, but aren't diagnosed.
Hell, I'm not. But, 'twasn't even known when I was going to college,
for the first time.

i have dated both...In fact, Flakey is really the first guy i have dated who is really neurologically similar to myself (we are both ADDers with AS traits)

I am beginning to think that another ex of mine who remained one of my very closest friends for years after we broke up mighta been somewhat of a highly functional (non-ADD) super-structured left-brained Aspie...very orderly and meticulous and pretty much my polar opposite in most aspects except for the fact that he really and truely understood me...(and tolerated me)and vice versa...even though the "odd couple-ness" of us was part of what made us not work out as a couple....We mantained a very congenial friendship for years (but lost contact and now he's married with a kid)

(he was the first person from who I heard the word "neurotypical"(in a derogatory sense)...and also the first (and only)person who agreed with me when I told him I suspected i might have aspergers syndrome)

Anywhoo....my POINT is....um.....

oh yeah...I was in a relationship with a NT for 6 years when i was young, and there were definitely communication barriers and a feeling of being sort trapped and forced into all these uncomfortable social situations and whatnot. I adapted.....but never felt completely comfortable...really had built up my own inner world that had nothing to do with most of the the people I was around because I couldn't relate to them, nor they to me.

I have also dated other folks who had their own mental issues...borderline/bipolar and NPD
and communication barriers existed there too...but in different ways

I must say that i pretty much prefer being around people who understand me.

Maybe making a personal question
thread into a poll is less than wise.

I am pretty sure I have seen almost the exact same poll before...so naaah...