What does love mean to an Aspie?

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I'm in a NT/Aspie relationship and am trying to work out what love means to an aspie.

I'm NT and love to "look after" my boyfriend and help him and take an interest in all his things. However, I don't know if he truely loves me? How would I know?

Appologies about basic questions but I'm trying to understand my aspergers relationship better...

Well, I'm no expert when it comes to love (this coming from someone who's been in four relationships, all in which have failed), but I think I have enough of a grasp on Asperger's to help you out.

Aspies, like myself, are pretty literal-minded. We can't read body language that well. We can't tell that something is on someone's mind just by looking at them, or, for those who can tell, can't accurately tell what it is that's on their mind. I would just come right out and ask him if he does. How you wanna do that, I'll leave it up to you. I would suggest one of two things to try, though, when you're ready to ask him that: 1) Be calm and rational when you ask him. Make sure you have a handle on yourself. We Aspies (at least, I am) tend to be sensitive and reactive to other people's emotions, even if those emotions aren't directed at us, and 2) Brace yourself for the possible worst case scenario. Aspies are, for the most part, very honest, if too honest and blunt, when they answer questions, especially of this nature. They're not being an a**hole or insensitive, for the most part. A lot of it has to do with our lack of knowledge on social rules and how to act and react in certain social situations.

If, indeed, the answer you get is, no, though, still try to be friends with him. Be understanding of him and how he feels. Accept him, his feelings, and so on and still be there for him. (:

thank you very much for that reply thats really useful.

I was wondering what "love" means to an asperger? Is it the same as for an NT or is it different?

I feel it is the same, we just express it differently.

I think love is different for everyone, Aspie and NT alike. Love will mean something different between two or more Aspies, just as it would between two or more NT's. It's individually defined with no absolute, black-and-white answer. We usually find what love means to us eventually through our life experiences as we go down the road of life. (:

Sorry if that isn't of any more help, but that's how I feel. That and I feel like it's the appropriate answer to your question, too.

Cant say for every one, but for me love seem very different than for the NT around me, what i call love has roots in loyalty and respect, as with NT's loyalty seems to have nothing to do with it, and respect even less, hopefully i have learned from the wrong crowd, but it seems to me that in the NT world, love means sex, and that is the end of it, it is extremely shallow, as for me it means two people with a relation that is so strong, that they become two pieces that are the same, and even the idea of being with someone else is impossible, when im with a girl (im a guy) she is the only one on earth, she becomes the most beautiful, as i am blind to phisical beauty, as i learn to know the person, i discover more and more nice things, and that is what i see, not the external shell. i kind "lock in", as long as i am in a relation with that person, i cant be with anyone else, i have to unlock from her, and only then i can be with someone else, and i mean nothing is functionnal if i try, i can only be intimate with that person.

i hope i express what i think properly, asperger and french makes it pretty hard to express stuff like that ... lol

i also have to add that i have pretty weak understanding of relations, even for an aspie i guess im weak on that, i see friendship as just another way of hurting people, get in close and personnal then strike where it hurts, i know its a pretty bad way to see that, but i had real bad experiences, and im seeing all kind of specialists right now to help me fix that.

i hope this helps

Most likely you will never find anyone as loyal as an aspie. I am always surprised to find people think time apart diminishes friendship. "It's been three years!" said someone in a group I was being kicked out of because I had to take time off to tend to my autistic daughter. I guess I should have had a clue when no one responded to my Christmas cards or letters. I just figured everyone was busy, but what they were doing was writing me off and I didn't find out until I tried to rejoin the activities. The damn thing is I still love them all and it still hurts.

I don't know if this is common among aspies, but my understanding of love is very unromantic. Maybe it came from growing up in a family where my parents argued constantly. I couldn't possibly care less whether or not she's truly in love with me; that simply wouldn't affect me one bit. In a romantic relationship, the only things I care about is that she remains faithful, tolerates and understands my quirks, shows affection for me by physical means (hugs, kisses, as well as "more"), spends time with me, calls me every few days so I'd know she's there, and comes to my funeral if, God forbid, something happened to me. Anything is else is purely optional, and in some cases, I'd feel better knowing that a girl is not deeply in love with me. Otherwise, I'd just feel trapped. I never experienced genuine warmth in the family, so wouldn't know how to give it. With that said, I am capable of being a good boyfriend; I just don't know what I'm supposed to feel in the process.

All you really have to do is see past the personality differences and find out who your boyfriend really is. I've had women say to me that once they got to now me, they thought I was a more loving person than most other people they knew (although they often followed this up with "they can't handle the level of love I radiate" or some other thing, followed by distancing themselves from me, so I have no idea whether they were telling the truth or just handing me deception). The loyalty is also a good part of an aspie relationship too. Unless he has a comorbid hyperactive libido, gets drunk, or OD's on drugs, he will pretty much never cheat on you. Just don't outright betray that loyalty, as it may make him bitter towards you for the rest of your natural lives.

the loyalty thing is interesting, I'm in a 12 step group for people with problems with sex and love (illusion of) addiction, & I am the only one who has remained loyal and committed.

Not that I am trying to boast here, just there does seem to be a clear connection of commitment/loyalty & AS.

Arrrrrhhhhhhhhhhh I feel a quote coming on. "Love in reality is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams" Dostoyevsky.

lelia does make a good point regarding loyalty. I can confirm that I was very loyal to those I was in a relationship with in the past. However, on the flipside, because I was so loyal, it hit me hard when the relationship ended, regardless as to whether or not it was me or the other person who called it off. I'd spend months after the break-up, constantly analyzing what went wrong, what, if anything, I did to screw things up, and so on. I had to pretty much train myself to stop that before it drove me mad.

But yeah, such strong loyalty to one's partner can be a good trait for an Aspie, or even a bad one, depending on how well it's controlled and monitored.

Love is a chemical reaction in the brain. AS or NT, you never know when it is on and when it will turn off. I would say be accepting, don’t criticize, respect space, and since your are NT and flexible, adhere to his routine. He will appreciate you, which is better than love sometimes. Don’t expect the NT usual love things, but recognize the unusual/opposite AS expressions of love. Say what you mean, don’t expect him to pick up on hints (like as if you want him to wash the dishes once in a while). All that has been said about loyalty is true, but don’t be his obsession because sooner or later you will be replaced. Actually, if women treated all men like this it would be a much better world.

I have been in an NT/AS relationship for 3 years, 2 ¾ of which I had no clue of AS but made accommodations because I loved him and want him to be relaxed and happy. His home should be his castle. I am loved even if he never says it. The fact he lets another human being around so much is love. LOL, tolerance is love. Also, don’t look after him too much. He will let you know when he needs it. Let him have his own interests, and make sure you have your own.

Love means something different to everyone. It has to do with upbringing, life experience and temperament

BTW, are you asking because you don’t feel loved?.

thanks for a great post...much appreciated...

I sometimes feel unloved and sort of used by him. I don't think he means it but he doesn't appreciate the things I do for him and maybe that's why I feel a bit used.

I know I shouldn't feel like this but sometimes I long to be 'loved' back.

whenever I say it....he tells me to stop being so silly and emotional and to act like a man!

I know its just the way he is and I love him more than anything but I long for him to 'love' me rather than just 'use' me as his companion.

this really isn't ment to sound as aweful as it sounds. I really love him but I'm trying to express how I feel.

any nt's experience similar? any aspies think I'm being a stupid nt?

any comments would be greatfully appreciated.

In my life, I've only felt "fascinations", that last max. couple of months. I've never felt anything that can be descriped as "love", and I doubt I never can.

What is NT?

No, you're not being a stupid NeuroTypical. He's being a jerk for expecting you not to be a woman. What you have to decide is, can you live with it? I doubt he will change.
I don't know if you are doing what some women do by tormenting their men whether Aspie or NT by trying to talk all the time about their relationship. There are just some things no man can give a woman. They cannot be girlfriends.
No one person can meet all your needs. Only you can decide which needs are non-negotiable.