Aspie with a relationship problem

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I have a problem with a woman that likes me. Every time I get around her I want to panic. I've been in a few bad relationships that I've always felt like I messed up. This women is very different than what I am use to. The other women were ones I knew there would be no future in. This women cooks and sends things to me, she sends things to me when I'm sick. She will look for hours for something that she knows I'll like and then send it to me. She's been married before and has just come out of a bad relationship. I wonder if she looks at me as someone to see on the rebound? I know that no matter what she seems to care about me. Nothing I do seems to change it. I've told her I'm not ready for a relationship and I'm afraid of hurting her. Did that bother her? No, she just said we would be friends and take it from there. I know that she would like to have a physical relationship, but I'm afraid of not being able to be the person she needs. Always before when a woman has tried to get close to me I would run away, this one just doesn't seem to want to let me go. I don't want anyone to get hurt and I'm really not good at relationships. I've been talking to this woman for months now and there is really nothing wrong with her. She's the type that would spend Christmas working at a soup kitchen. I've never met anyone like her before, and it scares me. What should I do?

would it help if you told her that you have AS, you are trying, and not to give up on you?

Write her a letter - you're less likely to mess up. (and you can correct it before you send it).

She's different from the others - there could be a future with her. The stakes are higher. No wonder you're feeling anxious!

kxmode has a good point. Does she understand what AS is, and that you "have" it? (There's gotta be a better way to say that; it makes it sound like a case of the flu! ) By all means put it in a letter, as gbollard suggests, if that makes it easier.

Being straightforward about it may not resolve all your questions. But it will give her a better idea about you. Perhaps remove some doubts and false expectations. At the very least it should help you be more relaxed when you spend time with her.

All the best, steve67. Hope things work out well for you, and in the meantime, welcome here!

Send her a thank you card expressing your appreciation for what she has done for you...and simply state how you feel at the
present time. Women appreciate honesty.

If she really wants physical relationship (has she said that?) you can talk more about that. You mentioned that you don't want to hurt her - that's the first step. You just need to discuss thoroughly what she wants and what needs to be avoided.

The situation seems very good, and the advice above (from previous writers, I mean) is great reading.

She sounds like a good match. My AS bf was not interested in a relationship when we met either. Mostly he was afraid to lose his space. But basically, he had a string of bad relationships.

You can test the waters with her little by little by asking directly for one thing at a time. Space, quiet, time alone to pursue your interests.

Chances are you will hurt her from time to time, but it is up to you to patch the hurt by taking ownership of your actions and trying to resolve conflicts in ways that work for both of you.

Physical intimacy can be intimidating no matter what. Good relationships are awkward at first, but that is a good thing because it is something the two of you get to figure out together. In spite of what men think, women are tremendously forgiving the first many rounds in bed, and she will have the same learning curve of what you like. Most likely you will both find something new.

Running away is just using avoidance as a coping skill. You have to teach yourself other coping skills a little at a time. Confront one issue at a time and let her digest that before moving onto another issue. You should hold off on disclosing the AS, as what I have read on the internet (with the exception of WP) and what I have experienced are two different things. If she goes researching it, she will get a lot of misinformation. I think a better strategy is spend a year or so adjusting to your quirks and her quirks (we all have them), and as time goes on you can explain things such as “I do abc xyz way because my brain is wired a little differently.” Remember AS is not bad or an illness, it is just a different approach to things.

I personally have never been happier in a relationship. It took time to understand the space issue was not that he wanted to get away from me, but his brain was over stimulated and he needed space. I now get to enjoy my own space when he takes his. We have a nice, quiet existence at home, I am not obligated to entertain his friends and family as he rarely has them over, and I know he really likes me because he keeps me around! His motivations are completely opposite of an NT male, which is so refreshing. He spends all day doing his thing and stops from time to time to give me a love tap or sarcastic comment to remind me he hasn’t forgotten I am there.

I encourage you to put aside your fears (we all have them) and take the baby steps you need. It sounds like she really respects you and in turn will respect your needs. Maybe get a cute little card and write a thank you for the little things she does, tell her you think of her often, and tell her you just need to take things slow.

Generalisation is a trap. Deal with situations as they occur, and deal with people as you find them. I would say "Nobody likes to be pigeonholed", except you never know - there might be a few who wouldn't mind it.