First Love...my boyfriend has AS

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Hey, I'm new here! hi everybody. um I came on here because I met this guy online and I really, really like him. and he has AS.

Now, we met about a year ago on a forum and started talking on MSN. I noticed nothing out of the ordinary in our convos, although I did notice his responses and random behavior caused some odd reactions from others in group chats. I never thought of him as any different, and apparently he was more open to what he was going trhough on the forum, posting a topic about his recent diagnosis. He's 19, and was diagnosed a few years ago. This was before I knew him very well and I read the topic, feeling bad about how depressed he seemed, but not reading much into it. Not far into our MSN convos I noticed he was the one the topic was on! we started talking about AS and how it's affected his life and so on. I was mildly curious and did a little research. Instead of being turned off, I found it very intriguing. it took a while but by the endish part of the year, October, November or so, we started online dating. At this point I was fully aware of the AS and how it affected his life, but it wasn't the main thing to me. He was sweet, loving and very kind to me. Now, we've set up a date to meet for the first time in April and I am a bit nervous as to how to help him be at ease during this situation. He's never had a girlfriend as serious as me before, and has warned me about his hypersensitivity to touch and so on, which has caused me not to be nervous about how I will react, but keeping him comfortable when we meet. I really do care about him and was wondering what I might be able to do, or not to do for that matter when we meet to try to understand him better beyond our online convos.

I'm 16, btw, neurotypical, a term I've picked up during my research about AS, and I guess you could say I have some borderline AS-ie qualities about me although I'm not. I do prefer to be alone then in a social setting, and to be quiet during said social setting then to say something stupid or innapropriate. When I'm around people I trust, like my parents and close friends, it's the only time I feel I can truly be myself. People from the forum I frequent know me as very outgoing and loud, and random and funny and sweet (hence the nickname hehe) but in real life I'm very quiet, shy, and introverted. When I was younger I had no trouble making friends, but as I've grown older it's been very difficult for me to make close friends and then to keep them. I've been labeled "strange" and "oddly quiet" in school, but it never bothered me. I never truly cared what other people thought.

Now, I really truly care about this boy I've met and at first i was very scared. I myself have never had a real boyfriend before, most likely because I'm still young, but now instead of a normal relationship that would already have to endure the trials and tribulations of young love, I have to factor in my bf's AS and how I can be a supporting and caring person in that regard.

If he hadn't told me, I never would've guessed he had it. he has a webcam and it just warms my heart to see him smile...*sighs*

sorry for my long, drawn out post but, the point is, I love him very much and I do hope I can learn more about AS and better understand it so I can make an effort in understanding him and making sure he's comfortable when we finally meet.

I do apologize if this post seems forward or offensive in any way, I'm just trying to understand AS better. I would appreciate greatly any well-intentioned advice you might have.

thank you!

You should ask him how he reacts to other sensory stuff, such as noise, lights, and (gag) perfume. Lots of people with AS are extremely sensitive to fragrances and other things that can overwhelm their senses.

Good luck!

Okay, I will do that! thank you so much.

I'd just like to say it warms my heart to see a story like this.
It seems to me you have a relatively good handle on the whole AS thing.
Just remember it helps to be direct, he can't read kinesics and he is likely to miss hints.
Best of luck

Last edited by TheMidnightJudge on 25 Jan 2008, 9:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thats a really great story. its good to read there are people like that out there.

i dont know... you know about AS and you know him to quite a degree. so you know what he likes or dislikes... showing him that you listened and genuinely care for him cant go wrong.
if you manage to be a solid anchor for him - someone he can hold on to when the outside world gets too stormy - and make him feel useful and important (tiny things can do that - make him realize that he can help you when you're down. i remember what an incredible feeling it was, back then in my relationship, when i realized i could help my then-girlfriend to overcome sadness.), thats super awesome.

as you researched about AS, you probably already know that but ill write it nevertheless: if in doubt, go for honest spoken word. dont expect him to pick up clues by himself.

all the best for the two of you!

thank you so much! I really do hope things work out for us both. It makes me feel wonderful to know that he sees me as his world already even though we haven't known each other very long, and I would never want to unintentionally hurt him or cause him to be uncomfortable just because I didn't understand something well enough. I appreciate all of your kind words and advice and take it all to heart. may you all have a wonderful day!

wish i had a bf that was interested in understanding things as you are

im unDXed... but looking back at things, i realize that it's not gonna beenough that i "know"... i'm gonna need someone openminded and interested, like you!

sounds like you're doin great

best wishes

I get jealous of people that can write stories in such interesting ways.


Well anyway hrmmm be somewhat blunt and obvious. It may seem rude to you but he probably wont notice. Before touching him make sure you have his attention or let him know your gonna do it. If hes like me hes probably gonna be stressed to the max. Try and distract him from it, talking about any interest he might have can help. I know if I ever went on a date Id be ultra stressed out :/

Yeah intimacy might be a little difficult at first. The concept of love shyness combined with AS...
The one intimate moment I had with a girl, ended badly. I didn't know how I was supposed to respond. I was afraid to.
But I bet this situation won't be like mine, since the fact that you're dating is established. Still there will likely be a certain level of shyness to deal with.
Hypersensitivity could be a factor too, but I'm not hypersensitive so I wouldn't know.

Remember that aspies are very literal and I think a lot of girls like to try and be subtle when it comes to relationships. So just be open and honest and make sure you communicate what you are feeling to him since he won't be able to tell like you would expect an NT. Also be up front about your expectations for this meeting and try to plan what you two are going to do while you visit. Get his input on what he wants to do, planning all this out and letting him know before hand will give him some structure and expectations that will help resolve the stress and anxiety of this unusual situation.

At least thats what i would want were I in his situation.

One other thing... remember that aspies approach relationships very differently than NT's do. One advantage is that you can expect the relationship to grow over time, rather than diminish...