I don't believe this ish...

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Arround 10:00 tonight I got from work and had some dinner. My mom had told me that two of my friends had called and I got back to one, eventually the other.

Well, the friend I got back to last who'd just gotten back from a great vacation and had been kinda low key about things for the past few weeks (huh, kind of unusual - he's usually a real outgoing, positive guy who can and wants to comment on everything, I should have known something was up..) called me and invited me over.

By the time I'd gotten back to him it was arround 11:40. I asked him "It's kinda late, you sure you want me to come over right now?". He answered back with "Yeah, definitely. YOu have no idea what I'm going through right now...". I told him I had to fuel up the car but that I'd be over in 15 or 20 minutes.

To summarize the past 7 years we've been friends I met this guy from another friend who I'd known from highschool - we all went to the same community college and me and the friend from highschol got him going to raves with us. Arround 2000 we'd been trying to meet women - the friend from my highschool was already in a 2 year old relationship at that point and me and the other guy were still single.

There's a side story as well but I don't wanna get into that right now because that'll destract the emphasis of the story. Point is this friend started seeing this girl back in April of 2000, things were going great, he was all about working through problems and lo and behold see seemed to have her head pretty square on her shoulders as well.

The years went on, we had out various groups of friends that ranged from large to small, we went to all the different parties and events together, we've hung out on a weekly basis at least for the last 5 years (the friend I'm talking about even lived with me back in 1999). In the summer of 2003 I was in their wedding, not best man but I was a groomsman.

My friend does have his little things like everyone, but overall though he's one of those rare types of people who stays positive through things, stays tough about things when he's down, wants to work through and learn from experiences when things are down, and when he entered into marriage he knew there'd be fights here and there, he knew that everything doesn't just auto-correct, he loved his wife then and still loves her now.

Well, when they got back from vacation she started acting strange, acting like someone he didn't even know. She indicated there were problems she wanted to address, he took the time to listen, asked what he could do, and really tried to work with things. However, over the last few weeks, regardless of what he did, its like she seemed almost more angered that he was trying. From what she said she had her mind made up, she was done with him, she said that she firmly didn't believe people changed, that she just didn't love him, shouldn't have gotten married to him, etc.

Well, he's talked with his parents, her parents, our other friends, and pretty much everyone's trying to back him up. One thing his mom's mentioned is that she always seems crabby and depressed. He mentioned that he took it as too much work and college at once, knew she was depressed, and tried to give her her space - she seemed to want that. However, his mom mentioned that there might be some thyroid issues behind this since if she misses a meal her mind just about shuts down on her. She was thinking that his wife should have some bloodwork done just because, they're worried about her health as much as the fact that it might be something jamming up her clarity of thought on these things.

So far his wife is staying with a mutual friend, is saying that she's already thinking about post marriage life, already wants to divide up the assets, and again, is completely non-negotiable on the idea of seeing a marital counselor. She doesn't wanna work with him on anything, she just wants out.

I told him something that I'd noticed about her for quite a while but never told him because it never came to relevance. It seems like when she wants to move past something or mature in some way, she feels the need to bury things. Whether it's her taste in music, her old friends she got distance on, etc. Anything from her past she's done with, everything from her past sucks, it or they would just annoy her, and it's like she really needs to push her identity by putting those things down. In a way I think that's had a major role in their breakup. He doesn't have that habit of burying his past, anything he was into now he just has a more matured attitude on now, but it really seems like because of that disparity she's felt the need to throw him away now too.

I went on and mentioned to him that, as he probably already knew, most people break that stuff off also because society these days has people all f'd up in the head on what love is. I told him -infatuation is a feeling, love is a social contract. Love is when you'll be there for someone regardless because they're worth it, because you have that much invested in them, when that person has enough worth that your willing to work through things like adults. He concurred with that and as far as I can tell he's understood that for a long time. He's the type of guy who's always trying to motivate his friends, the kind of guy who has lots of Anthony Robbins tapes and the such, he's a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, he has lots of martial arts weapons he's good with, he's good at almost any sport he tries, he's always trying to get people out to go do things, and he also on top of that knows the value of people and tries to be as fair as he can with anyone.

It just really bothers me that he's striving to be an adult in this situation, he's een very open-minded about trying to fix this, but he's absolutely powerless to stop it. One of the reasons this story really hits home with me is that wanting to be an adult, rise above problems through working at it from an altruistic viewpoint, and realizing that so many people just absolutely don't believe in that is a reoccuring theme. I've had the same problem with women too - these days its like the vast majority needed to be intoxicated on an emotional high and the second that dries up or the second they find you boring or dorky - c'ya! That's NOT what life's about and that's not what relationships are about. It just pisses me off that people can have such blatant disregard for the value of other people and it really pisses me off that the people who mean the best and do the most to try and rise above it are surrounded by nothing but deaf mentality.

As for my friend and his marriage I've got my fingers crossed. her dad even told him that he went through it with his wife for a minute but when they got through it their marriage was that much stronger. My friends parents told him the same thing - this is a relationship challenge that's supposed to be risen up to for even better things to come of the relationship. What it's NOT supposed to be is a cop-out point. I just hope in the next few months that she gets her head on straight and gets herself better adjusted to life. As it is, her dad has urged him to call her whenever he feels like it - she's his wife still and he has every right to know where she is, how things are going, and he also insisted that he not plead with her but be firm about it and not act like she has an upperhand (which I totally agree on - he's not in the wrong and when you're not in the wrong, you never do that with a woman). The friend who she's living with is also a good enough friend that she's probably gonna do what she can to help. I just hope this irons itself out because really, it's some shady biz and as much as my friend's keeping a straight face I just hate seeing it.

apparently she thought married life would be all marshmallow dreams made out of rainbow kisses

she needs to face reality,stay with her husband and start enjoying her situation

Hmmmm.

Finding someone who isn't all f'd up on media driven hype and the "happy happy happy" dream is a rarity but they are out there.
This woman needs to have some better pathways pointed out to her.
She needs to realize that marriage and love are not always bright and happy times. Maybe she is ashamed or feels wrong in having mixtures of emotions. In our modern society, everyone is supposed to be happy all the time. There are so many bitter people who hide behind smiles and "half full glasses" that it makes me puke to think of it. The most confident people in the world are not scared to be comfortable with any emotion.

This girl needs to be steered away from the social hype epidemic and needs to be shown examples of the REAL world. She needs to be shown some long term benefits of love. It certainly sounds like this couple is blessed with extremely good friends! I hope things work out because the tools to rebuild seem like they are there to start with.

If it was that easy then why does US have over a 50% divorce rate? No relationship is easy and unfortunately not everyone is able to be saved. There is a point where even a marriage can breakdown on one half even though the other thinks things are just going fine. Unfortunately no matter how much you love that other person, if they aren't comfortable and they don't love you anymore, there is very little that can be done and you can't force a person to stay where they are miserable.

As far as thyroid issues? Hmm, I have hypothyroidism and I have never noticed anything related to missing meals... are you thinking perhaps issues with blood sugar and all, those if you miss a meal make you feel really crappy but thyroid issues especially low thyroid will make a person depressed, irritable, etc.

Him and his mom were just kinda citing that with her depression it seems to get worse with missing meals or stuff like that. It could just be a separate agitation factor though.