I just can't make the next step.

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Hello, I'm 21 years old, and I've never had a gilrfriend. Yeah.

That doesn't mean I couldn't have. During my life I've had at least 3 girls who had wanted to be with me, and I knew it, seeing as I just couldn't make the step to invite them to something they even had to do that step for me. Even so I just can't play the game. For instance currently, this girl I know, we are very compatible, god I hate that word. We know we can and want to be together, she even gives me clues that she wants to have sex with me etc, in other words she's just waiting for me to "man up" and do the next step.

I've analized my problem and came to the conclusion that I visualize the social ladder like well defined steps, that I cannot go to the next step without getting approval or something, for example I cant talk to her, kiss, touch, get lovevable until we are oficially "together", and watching NT's, I see they simply go to intimacy like a single process, they start getting more touchy more easily etc.

I just can't look at a women in the eyes and say all those nice things, touch her, full around, kiss her etc. It's like if theres an ice barrier around me, making me being a cold robot forever. I can joke around, talk seriously about issues (I can for hours if the topic interests me), but never letting my "soft side" arouse. Probably self-esteem problem.

I've gone through the same thing of coming to the threshold of asking a girl out or taking flirting to the next step but I never man up and actually carry through with it. When I am by myself I picture in my head how it is going to go when I propose dating or whatever but when I get around the girl it is like I become a different person. I think the problem could be related to sort of an AS variant on Maslow's heirarchy of needs, in the sense that one can't be in a successful relationship without first conquering the smaller steps leading up to the ultimate prize. If it is tough for you to flirt, hold hands, or verbally express to her your feelings you can not, as you say, "move up the ladder" into a relationship.

But yes, it is hard for one with AS to carry out the "little things" like the hugging and gift buying that girls expect from their partner. Women need constant reinforcement on the fact that you love them, so you have to constantly tell them how you feel and give small displays of affection, things that tend to be difficult for me and other AS. NTs jump into relationships easily because they don't really have to think about it; it just comes naturally with puberty for them to mix with girls. It is easy for them to read the signs and they don't care about the steps or the order of operations in which they build their relationship. They will cuddle and make out before they officially start dating and that fact doesn't bother them. For one with AS, however, it is difficult to know when you are "crossing the boundaries" and thus you grow hesitant and timid. One cant think about dating too much; you have to act.

When I was in middle school, I used to lay out elaborate schemes in my head on how I was going to seduce a girl, none of which I ever actually tried and looking back all of those plans seem ridiculous. I wouldn't have even had known what to do if I had been lucky enough to stumble into a date, which wouldn't have happened since I couldn't even talk to a girl without stuttering. But I thought about sex in a different way than my NT peers. It seemed so easy for them to form relationships but I wondered why I was missing out. Take advantage of your opportunities, because they can become few and far between.

Thanks for your response, it definitely reflect my thoughts. Ok so the problem is evident, the question now is to combat that? One solution is probably gaining enough social knowledge and know exactly what to do, but that kinda defeats the purpose of "love" being an inborn feeling. I do love things, I'm very sensible on a lot of issues involving my family, animals, society, I guess I just don't express those feelings, maybe that's the trick, express the feelings, even if you feel uncomforatable with. I guess that's one of the reasons I have resorted to alcohol so much. I only need to block some part of my brain that disallowes me to express myself, kinda like what cocaine and alcohol does. Do you think some medication will help, or I'll have to deal with it with plain meditation and reprogramming?

Ok, I had the exact same problem (or block as I like to call it) where I couldn't take the next step.

Basically I got past it by straight upfront honesty; walking straight up to the guy and asking if he wanted to go out with me "a.k.a. be my boyfriend". First time I tried this it was a disaster, second time it actually worked!

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you it takes a LOT of guts to do this. First time I was so nervous I was almost hallucinating and felt like I was going to throw up. Sure, it's not the normal way NT's go about it, but it can actually *work* so it's worth it, you've just got to find the courage.

If you're certain this girl likes you back, then this approach might be unorthodox, but she would probably say yes anyway because you're opening an opportunity (albeit clumsily).

Hehe I've thought about being brutally honest. I've said to her that people should just be direct and honest on everything and that it would be a better world. Maybe trying to make her talk about the issue more directly. I've actually tried to kiss her, it was a disaster, because... I literally asked her to do it. We were watching a movie on her house, our other friend had passed out on the floor, and I started thinking, god damned normal people do this everytime, and the mood really seems like it, but instead of making a proper move I just said "kiss me" shy just said "er...no" "haha come on why not" "just no.." I insisted again, my passed out friend told me "come one man she said no". Really uncomfortable.

I think you really have nothing to lose from blindly approaching an unknown girl and asking her out. Even if 19 out of 20 reject you, if you date that one girl, than it can be a success. If you don't take the opportunity to ask a girl out, than the answer is automatically no. I just wish I could be boulder in practice as opposed to theory so I could actually start converting some chances into actual dates.

But I don't think gaining an encyclopedic knowledge of love or sex is going to be of any benefit to you. Being a Lothario is the kind of thing based more on talent or aptitude as opposed to something you can study. You could memorize every baseball statistic and rule in the umpire's manual and still have zero ability to actually make the baseball team beacuse there is just zero talent, ability, or potential there to play baseball. With AS, the ability is just not there to be a militant dater. The only chance is to get lucky and trip and fall into a relationship. When I was 15 I probably knew more factual information about sex than anyone in my high-school but the mental capacity wasn't there to translate that information into the ability to get dates.

The things we all have to do are just take chances and ask girls out. Ask out girls we don't know in the grocery store and supermarket, and make more of an effort to get out and into peopled areas. The worst thing that happens if she says no is that she says no. And if you do get to start dating, than you just have to be conscious and always remember to do the little things like hold her hand, playfully flirt, buy gifts, remember table manners, and remember anniversaries.

At the other end of a game, a 12 year relationship of mine is breaking apart.

I want emotional closure, to hug and kiss and say a goodbye like you do to a friend going off to war in the movies.

Alas, the other party doesn't want that. It's tough. It's very tough to let the emotions go. I don't act out in bad ways, I internalize it all. It isn't fun.

Pretty much as you describe the issues of going up and initiating things.

I guess then that you just have to develop a warrior mentality and "attack" the female as you proposition. I agree though that when push comes to shove, you wont do anything unless you turn a corner make a dramatic personal breakthrough. All the methods you are utilizing up until this point are failing so you have to look for a side door. A paradigm shift must take place in the way you approach women before you can hope to have success.

I've had the same problem. There was a girl in college that I though may have liked me but I found myself unable to make the move into a relationship. I didn't know what I was supposed to do in order to bring about a relationship. I also wasn't 100% sure that she was interested romantically and not just as a friend. I regret not doing anything about it still to this day. Your post helped me understand why I didn't. I thought on some level that I was a complete wuss for not doing anything. This makes me realize that I'm not the only who's had this problem which makes me feel less pathetic. She also was on the opposite end of the spectrum than I was. She had great social skills and had a ridiculous amount of friends and dated often. She recognized that I was a kind and very intelligent person. When I saw Tony Attwood speak he said that As people often end with people with great social skills. This is because they are better at treading people and will more likely see what good things the AS person has to offer. I also didn't understand why she liked people so much since my experiences with people were more negative due to my AS.