Hey shy guys, some advice?

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I’ve been lurking here for a while now, since making a friend that I highly suspect is an Aspie. I believe he has been diagnosed with ADD, but I see a lot of Aspie tendencies. This is a situation where it seems there is an underlying mutual attraction, but thus far is just friendship. I haven’t seen him in person for over a month because I graduated in March from the university we were both attending, but I got his e-mail addy and we have written back and forth a few times. We always end with questions for each other, so it seemed to me that he was interested in continuing keeping in touch. I hadn’t heard from him in several days, so since the weather was going to be sooooooo nice this weekend, I sent him a quick note asking him if he wanted to hang out and maybe find a patch of grass in the sun or something and have a conversation that didn’t involve typing. He will be moving to another state in a few weeks for grad school and I know things will only get busier, so it would be nice to see him before he’s out of here. That was five days ago and *crickets*.

I’m hoping I didn’t completely freak him out. He’s not experienced with girls and I know I’ve already pushed him way out of his comfort zone several times, but every time he has eventually risen to the challenge. It just seems odd that he hasn’t even acknowledged that he got my invitation.

I certainly don’t want to appear desperate or needy, but at the same time, I am willing to go out on a limb and make a complete fool of myself if it means letting a guy know I care. Well, within reason, of course. (Hall of Shame stories, anyone? Success stories welcome, too! )

My question, most specifically for you guys that tend towards shyness with girls, is should I send a follow up e-mail asking if everything is cool or just leave him be? Guys, what would you like a girl to do if you were in this situation? (A girl who has every reason to suspect you are attracted to her, short of you planting one squarely on her lips…)

P.S. Hi Everybody! (waving shyly and smiling broadly)

I'm never sure how sound my advice is as far as relationships go, but here's my 2 cents...

I think it would be best to send a follow up email if there isn't much time left. However, it might be better to say something in the line of, "I'm still not busy this day and still want to hang out, etc etc", instead of directly acknowledging something may be wrong. Let him know you're looking forward to it. Remind him it'll be fun and relaxing. If he doesn't message back, then he may just be trying to accept the idea he won't be seeing you once he moves.

If he hasn't been in many relationships then I'm sure this is causing a lot of pressure and grief for him. He has to give up a rare mutual intimacy for his future. As for appearing needy, I think the bigger worry would be pulling away from his intentions. If you can't move or visit him much, then it might be for the better to not let him leave with something so emotionally significant. So if a follow-up doesn't work out, it would probably be better to leave it.

I realize this doesn't really answer the question completely, but I hope it helps.

"If I like a girl, I automatically assume that she is out of my league or already attached or thinks I'm stupid, creepy etc and I try to suppress any indication that I like her, whilst desparately hoping that she will take the initiative. If she does, I am so unused to that that I may be flustered and give the impression that I'm rejecting her or being rude but it's only because I can't handle my feelings. I would still want her to try again."

well said, i don't have exactly the same issues but this seems to explain the kind of thoughts i have..
the key is that the shy guy probably is interested, but has no idea how to "correctly" express this.

Well, if he hasn't had much experience with women, he may be nervous about you requesting an actual date. This is uncharted territory for him. And the aspie way of handling the unknown is to overthink & be overly cautious. He's probably thinking indefinately of how to reply back. You'll probably have to do all the work for now. Set a time, date, location, activity, etc... & ask him to come.

I used to have a real hard time taking initiative, as my social encounters had a history of being lousy & it put myself on the line too much. It took a long time until I didn't have to be pushed & had enough experience to take initiative on my own.

Definitely. With my AS I can't tell if a woman is interested or not and for her to let me know woud be a big help.

I don't think he's interested, or he would have replied. And since he's moving out of state, why bother? Hate to be a downer on this one, but you're not going to get a satisfying relationship out of this, and if he is Aspie and shy, you won't be able to turn up the heat fast enough before he leaves town.

You guys are breaking my heart! Thank you for all your insight. (No worries typ3, your 2 cents might just be right on the money. ) I appreciate all of your honesty. The thought of anybody being lonely when they don't have to be just makes me so sad. It's one thing to be happy or at least content with one's status. There's definitely no rule that says you have to be in a relationship to be complete. But to be lonely because you think you can't have what you want, is another story.

Being the chick that I am, my heart wants to err on the side of TMI. A year and a half ago I lost someone I had been in a serious relationship with to cancer. He was diagnosed in October and died two days after Christmas. I was lucky in that I was going to school on the same campus that his hospital was on. I got to tell him how important he had been to me and how he had bettered my life. Nothing changed for him--he is still dead. But just saying those things out loud and being appreciative of him as a lovely person changed me. Selfish, I suppose.

I don't want to unload on this poor friend, I just want him to understand that he is very cool, and likeable, and that he shouldn't hide.

i feel similarly cyberman but let us be gentlemen & not upset this lady
kittenwithawhip i wish you luck

Either this guy is shy or he doesnt like you. we are pretty simple. But let's look at the shy side. If he is shy you should go talk to him. as simple as that. or send him the email thing or whatever. Shy guys dont get much respect and for you to give him attention would be really flattering to him, even if he looks like he is annoyed, he may just be nervous. There's a girl at school that likes me and I'm shy around her, I never say a word, and she keeps chasing me,...I dont know what to do. she asked me why i'm so shy, and I said I dont know. cuz i dont want to tell her about asperger's. she really likes me though. When i text her I open up a lot, but in her face im nervous.

I would like for her to ask me out to the movies or give me some sign to ask her out. or ask me to ask her out. Im just too shy to do it myself. you should take this approach, ask him if he wants to do something with you. forget about social norms. if you are too shy then ask him in an email or something.
Trust me this will work. dont feel bad to be overly forward. shy guys dont care much.