What is the best way to make friends with an Aspie?

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I found this post refreshing. In what ways do you find Aspie's to be exhausting? I find myself exhausting at times and I don't even have AS. Although I do believe my ex-husband has AS and he could be all of what you described but I never found it exhausting. Just that his expectations of me could be unrealistic at times.

Fnord makes good points, but Aspie or otherwise, we are only human and henceforth, frail. Therefore relationships are messy, but I have found that the older I get the less I expect from people. Not in a dismissive way, but I try to use relationships as a way for me to grow as a person. Growth can be painful.

There is a beautiful song by Vanessa Willimas (The Colors of the Wind) that contains the lyrics that say something to the effect of "how high can the sycamore grow? You will never know if you cut it down." I will try to post the link if I can find it. It's a beautiful song.

My feeling is God put us on this earth for a reason. We all have a purpose in life. It's up to us to figure out what the purpose is. Someone once said that our life is a gift from God. What we do with our life is our gift back to Him.

None of us leaves this earth unscathed. Life is difficult. Once we come to accept that fact and surrender to it and give up the notion that somehow it shouldn't be only then can we truly feel at peace with ourselves. Very difficult to do, but certainly something to strive for.

Colors of the Wind
http://youtu.be/xbuzskVs6rc

My husband has outright told me I am exhausting at points and overwhelming him with the amount I want to do. We have learned to live with our differing degrees of energy.

Some people I talk to about what's going on with me have told me their head is spinning just from listening to me say all I have been doing. No one has ever said that the reason they won't be friends is because I am overwhelming, but I wouldn't be surprised if that is a reason.

I also have a TON of energy and am very intense. The way I have explained it, and I have seen this to be true with some people I know or suspect to be on the spectrum, is that if I mention something, I am already feeling it or thinking about it it at a level of 8 out of 10 (10 being strongest/deepest.)

If I mention a concern, I am already feeling that it is urgent.
If I am talking about a topic, I'm ready to hit the conversation at a deeper level than most will get to *through* a conversation.
If I trust and like you, I already want to be best friends for life.

That level of intensity just might be scary to most people. I probably come off that I am starting at that level, but that's not really true. It just doesn't "come out" until that level of intensity is reached. It is like anything less than that does not necessitate talking about it.

I imagine that conversations with me IRL can seem like getting the mental air knocked out of oneself. It's funny, but not really, that my husband has to remind me not to talk to him about music theory before he's had his first cup of coffee in the morning.

However, I must also say that other people not just Aspies can be exhausting. My husband likely has ADHD. I find him exhausting because he needs *constant* stimulation. The music is always on and is usually crazy, chaotic stuff. He needs this stuff to help him concentrate! I am the total opposite in this way. Headphones are a lifesaver, but in my house it is HE who wears them!

He is also very intense, which is good for us, but may be a reason he also doesn't have many friends.

Basically, when the burner gets turned on, it is always on HIGH.

I don't like a lot of intensity myself; I'm already all hyped up by default.

I don't like to be "champing" or "chomping" at the bit. I would also rather be "on the ball," rather than "on the stick" LOL.

I don't like constant background music--unless it's classical (at times).

At this time, I'm wondering whether I should put the reading of my poem out there in "public." I would tend to think that only mentioning the "sound quality" in a caveat, rather than criticizing my "delivery," would be proper.

I'm experiencing difficulties sending PMs.

I think you'd be a good person to be friends with. You have a Renaissance Lady's level of patience. I'm not knowledgeable about computers nor music; my interests might seem to be on the dry side for one who is as efflorescent as you (no, I'm not being sarcastic LOL).

I second the above advice pertaining to your Aspie friend. I would add: forget she is Aspie. Don't make any mention of Aspieness. Just communicate with her like you would anybody else. Don't tip-toe around things because she is Aspie.

At times, I'm even feel as if some people with Asperger's actually are merely within the realm of "normal human variation" (i.e., they are imbued with a "difference," rather than beset with a "disorder.") There are some "NT's" who do not like to be touched, for example.

Yes....technical problems.

There's always a level of risk, like you stated, to exposing yourself. However, if you don't take that risk, you RISK being an afterthought forever!

There's a certain level of ambivalence in me (and in most people) vis-a-vis fame. I know, if I ever became famous, that I would recoil at all that paparazzi stuff. I just don't see how people could make a living violating people's privacy!

I like Emily Dickinson-pert and to the point. I'm definitely less laconic in my writing as she is--I like free-flowing metaphors; the "Iliad" is a great example of that. I enjoy Homeric metaphors. My metaphors aren't that free-flowing, though--though if I were able to pull that off (like Whitman did), I would smile ear to ear.

Another bit of advice: Don't pretend to know what it is like to have an ASD unless you actually have one.

Reason?

I am deeply offended by people who pretend to be Aspies (when they're not), who pretend to know what it's like to be a parent (when they're childless), who pretend to know all about poverty (when they have always had food, clothing, and shelter of some sort), who pretend to know everything about relationships (when they can't even get a date), and who pretend to know what it is like to be me (when they simply are not me).

In other words, I am offended by poseurs who pretend to be something that they are not, and they do so just to pretend to be my friend, as well. I will figuratively drop an invisible wall between myself and those who try to deceive me, thus cutting them completely from my life.

I feel confident in claiming that this sensitivity to deception is common among people, Aspie and NT alike.

Thanks Needygirl. I have seen you in here before and can always relate to what you say.

Your comment about the waking up falling asleep cracked me up! Too funny!! !

Oh something kind of funny.......

There is this woman I met who works across the hall from me that I connected with right away. I started suspecting she might have AS, but wasn't sure. Well one day I came in late and she in a roundabout way asked if everything was ok, When I told her my cat died she started laughing.....so that confirmed it for me! I wasn't offended at all bc I knew it was a nervous reaction and it made me start laughing too. I can relate to those types of reactions bc I do the same thing but just kind of funny I guess (in my opinion).

another question...this pertains to the woman i described above that I work with.


A few months back when we first started working together she invited me out for drinks on a Fri after school, which I wasn't expecting bc I knew nothing about her and am leary about forming new friendships these days for obvious reasons. But I really liked her so gave it a chance. She is in her 60's and has never been married or been in a serious relationship which I found unusual because she is absolutely beautiful, and funny. Just an all around nice person.

When she invited me out she seemed kind of nervous and the way she presented it I thought there would be a ton of people from work going. She said it might give me the opportunity to meet new people. Once I got there it was just her and about 4 of her friends who were now retired. They all taught together at one point, and have known each other for over 30 years. I really didn't mind bc they were a lot of fun. Plus they all started talking about how I could be a part of their Fri night crew and my friend added that I could also go to their cookouts so it made me feel welcomed etc.

Anyway.....she seemed kind of nervous when we went out, but then we all started drinking so I think she was more relaxed. She ended up being a completely different person than how she presented herself at work. She seemed a little off but in a good way. Plus I thought it could have been the alcohol (wasn't sure).

Come to find out we had a TON in common. We went out again the following week but no alcohol was involved. Again she was completely different but in a good way.

I felt so connected to her and like Nerdygirl when I like someone I want to be instant BFFs but I think I kind scared her off. I started inviting her to things etc. and she would never respond to any of my emails even to decline the offer, which threw me off bc she was the one to initiate a friendship with me. Plus we are both single so I just figured she would want to go out and do things etc. it also threw me off bc she and her friends wanted to include me in their group.

After a few weeks I outright asked her if something had happened or if I had done anything. She thought about it but couldn't really come up with anything. I have her a couple of examples of maybe what could have happened and she would think about it and then say no. I can't remember what she said exactly but it made me respond that I personally had started to back away so maybe she was picking up on that. She ended up giving me a hug at the end if the conversation bc I think she felt bad. She is very direct and based in what I know about her now....,I think it is safe to say if there were something she would have told me.

One time I called her out of the blue bc I wanted to see how she was doing. The two times we went out she basically told me her whole life story and shared all this very personal information with me so I wanted to follow up with her. We see each other 20 times a day but there is never time to really catch up. She told me before that she hates talking in the phone so I wasn't expecting her to call me back but wanted her to know I cared. When I asked her if she got my
Mesage she had a huge smile on her face and said yes. That told me she was glad I called.

Right before Christmas break I told her to swing by my room before she left bc I had Christmas gift for her cats. She had a reaction like a little kid would have (so cute). She is always so serous at work so it was kind if refreshing to see her reaction.

I had to leave and she wasn't back yet so I left the gift on her door handle with a note, and ran to the bathroom. When I came out she was in her office. She had just put the gift down and was holding my note in her hand and had a HUGE smile on her face. She then saw me and came out and said I was very thoughtful and gave me a kiss which I thought was so sweet. It made me feel better knowing it meant a lot to her.

She is always so super nice to me etc, but she just doesn't seem to want to go out and a I can't figure out why.

I am just wondering how you would feel in this situation. She is a Dean at the school and it is a very overwhelming job for her so she did say she is so tired at the end of the day and just goes home and goes to bed.

I have completely backed off since then, but if she truly does have AS how do you think she is feeling about now?

It's hard for me to figure out how or why someone would initiate a friendship, be single, and have so much in common with someone, and really like them but NOT want to go out.

I just want to try to see things from her perspective.

What can I do to keep things going at a good pace without completely shutting her out? Or should I even try?

I know the question wasn't directed towards me.

Obviously, she was touched by the gesture. Even if she's Aspie, she is not bereft of human feeling (people tend to forget that, sometimes). She's a Dean at the school; are you a teacher there? If so, there might be some kind of professional boundary which she might feel shouldn't be breached. That's a very NT thing (who knows, maybe she doesn't have such hierarchical notions!)

LOL...When I was a kid, I thought Deans were such authority figures that they wouldn't be "touched" by anything. It's refreshing to find a Dean who has emotions!

You're very outgoing, it seems. People are conscious of their privacy. You have excellent intentions. I wouldn't be put off by you--but people who really value their privacy might. They fear you might be the type to just "come over" without calling.

I hope you could become friends with that person, and that the relationship is mutually beneficial.