What does *your* Aspergers look like?

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Hi all

The thread, "Have you ever tried to act NT?" struck a super big chord with me, as I've been desperately trying to "make" myself NT ever since 7th grade or so. (Talk about hammering a square peg into a round hole...)

I've recently come to recognize my neural/cognitive differences (stemming either from Aspergers or something very closely related). I've also come to recognize just how *exhausting* and really quite debilitating my quest for normalcy has been.

I'm now ready to embark on the journey to some healing and self-acceptance. My only problem is that I've so successfully suppressed my natural social behavior, I don't even know what it looks like anymore. I hardly know what's natural for me and what's not.

What makes things worse - I'm a social chameleon, I tend to imitate others' behavior on sight. It's really exhausting, but it's also an entrenched habit.

Can anyone relate? If so, what did you notice when you started accepting yourself and letting your true colors shine through? What did it look like? What concrete forms did it take in your new social behavior, for example? What clues should I perhaps notice in my own behavior?

Thanks for any and all input! I'm really looking forward to your answers.

Dan

I'll answer my own question first

1. I tend to be wildly exuberant at times. This was really something I started to suppress in junior high school, where I was quickly labeled "a spaz." As a kid I ran in circles flapping my arms when I got delighted by a picture or TV show.

2. I have very jerky movements. If something catches my attention, I'll *swing* my head around instead of turning it casually like an NT might. I also tend to crack my nuckles when concentrating hard because I need somewhere to put my hands, they seem to fly all over at such times

3. I get incredibly bored at meetings and lectures. I have to tap my legs or draw or something because I just have to create some interest in my immediate area.

Wow, now that I read these, I sound really crazy

Can anyone relate or share their own "quirks?"

Dan

BF Says:

(1) withdrawn from social interaction completely.
(2) not able to understand life
(3) lonely
(4) sitting in strange positions
(5) depression

I say:

(1) I look NT on the surface, but I'm emotionally immature, which always comes out later.
(2) I blurt things out to total strangers and I'm not good with building friendships or keeping them.
(3) I twirl my hair when I'm nervous. I rock sometimes.
(4) I get lost constantly. I've even been told I "look lost" in familiar places.

I felt so bad reading your reply until I realized that it said, "BF says" as opposed to what you think. Very insightful commentary, I think!

My NT friends would totally say I don't understand "life."

Thank you for your answer, that actually helps me.

Dan

I am in the same place as you. I have spent my entire life trying to be 'NT', trying to fit in and act how I was 'supposed' to act. It's quite exhausting, I agree. I've described it as a mask - but sometimes you have trouble taking off the mask, it's like your own skin has grown over it and it's become a part of you, that you can't rip off without blood and pain. =/

I have refrained from my usual facial tics, rocking, twitches, and 'spazzing' in normal situations. I also have learned how to fake small talk, and I refrain from relating everything back to dinosaurs. It's very stressful, and has caused depression throughout my life.

Well....

1. I have obsessions, especially with "SpongeBob SquarePants."
2. I stay away from most social situations.
3. In public I look "lost" and "spaced out."
4. I stutter
5. I can sometimes do some weird hand movements
6. I remain quiet
7. I say weird things
8. I don't like some changes

Most people say I either look sad or like a "space shot".

I didn't spend my entire life trying to be NT, because I didn't really know I wasn't...I was just sorta perpetually puzzled at the way everyone around me seemed to be in on something that I couldn't quite get. Any attempt I ever made to assimilate went horribly awry, so I adapted by embracing my rugged individualistic self, and only associate closely with people who accept it.

Anywhoo...this is what mine looks like...provided I understood the topic of the thread correctly.

I have a very childlike demeanor...though when I am in a bad mood, it is not so apparent.
I will switch from "baby voice" to flat stern monotone...and then I will raise my voice when upset or stressed...when I am relaxed, i talk like a little girl...stressed and I sound like an angry mom.
Sometimes I can get kinda sloppy..right now I am in sloppy mode...i really need to bathe, but am having a hard time driving myself to go through the motions..I have a really hard time cleaning and organizing.
I often pace around on my tiptoes....I pace and pace and pace...The computer is one of the few things that centers me, unfortunately.
I have pretty bad executive dysfunction, so it takes me about 10 times longer than anyone else to do certain things.
i have a very hard time dealing with people outside the few people I am comfortable with, unless I have to...but when I have to, I think I can do ok...for the most part...
If I am not formally introduced to someone in a way that I am comfortable with, then I will not introduce myself, but avoid them for as long as I can.
One thing that really makes me freeze up is when people ask me questions that I am not prepared for. For some reason, that will cause me a great deal of stress...and people are always asking me questions because my home is more or less a public space, and they ask me questions because I live here. I am constantly having to tell these people to please ask someone other than me...

I am prone to having meltdowns when I am outside my comfort zone...I will often drink or need something to help me with anxiety in order to deal with social situations, and i have to be careful or else that will lead to a meltdown.

um....My obsessions are very art/craft and music based.
My favorite stim is singing.

Well, I'm a HFA, but my symptoms are pretty similar to Aspergers (I was severely Autistic when I was younger). Some of this may stem from my trust issues as well, they're intertwined.
1. Touch. I don't like touch unless I initiate it, and even then, it's a big mental struggle. The only time this doesn't happen is with my mom, and it depends on the day.
2. Obsessions! Most of them vary quite often, mainly because I get bored easily (unless it's one of my core obsessions, which I've had for years and years.) I'm not sure if I'm explaining it right, my head's a bit muddled right now. I've learned to keep them to myself for the most part, and if I need to talk about it, I'll write it in my diary to save the sanity of everybody around me
3. I don't know what to do with my hands when I'm not talking (they move like my mom's when I do talk), so they either rub against different materials (that's calming for me), usually rough or odd feeling materials, or they hang limply.
4. Eye contact only comes when I trust a person, and even then, it's really hard to keep.
5. Change = Bad. If I'm not prepared for a change or it's really sudden, I'll mentally space out and get really upset after I leave the situation.
6. Pacing calming me down, I would pace for hours if my mom didn't disapprove. Sometimes my mom thinks I'm completely normal now, and I fear showing my Autistic side to her. Spinning helps too.
7. I struggle to find the right place to interrupt a conversation, so I often just don't talk for a half and hour, trying to find a good space to talk. When I do find the place, the conversation's usually moved on.
I have more, but I don't have anymore concentration for this subject.

yay!

my mum tells me I look lost, disgusted or deep in thought most of the time

1) blank, lost, unsure look on my face

2) show the wrong emotions at times, smiling when sad, etc

3) obsession about certain things like csi, animals and random facts

4) on a nicer note, some things I see, hear or read just stick in my brain and refuse to leave. Particually dates, numbers and patterns. I also funnily enough have a great memory for some conversations, able to replay them in my head and hear word for word what was said like a tape recorder. Good visual memory too.

5) Poor sense of direction if I haven't been there much or if it is in any place with roads and traffic. It takes me a long time to learn where everything is, and I always have to walk the same paths I have before, short cuts scare me if I haven't tried them before, even simple seeming ones.

6) Terrible gross motor skills - odd walk, jerky movements, particually when stressed, tired or if anyone is approaching my personal space. Fine motor skills unaffected in my opinion.

7) Poor at reading body language, facial expressions and remembering certain faces (face blindness)

Quiet - as in would likely not speak at all if no one spoke to me first type of quiet. I just don't see the point in speaking unless its important. Though I do experiment with small talk occasionally to try and be friendly - not sure how successful I am at it.

9) Very logical - point out the flaws in peoples arguments, good at rationalising viewing things without being swayed over with emotion - also approach problems with small talk logically by mentally listing possible topics and ticking them off once they'd been talked about.

10) Have to schedule things to remain organised

11) little to no eye contact

12) can take longer to complete some tasks

13) can only focus on one big task at a time - eg. have to completely finish one essay before I can begin another.

14) in some ways emotionally immature

15) not influenced by fashion, latest trends, gagets, etc.

16) also tap objects on table, or drum with hand or fingers when concentrating on something, or play with cloth / frabric - my version of stimming

I noticed that:

1. I make little to no eye contact
2. I say weird things in public
3. I look lost, nervous, pale, and sad in public
4. I rock back and forth when I'm nervous and I have nothing to do
5. I don't say too much in public
6. I don't like to approach people and talk to them but when I do, I get very shaky and nervous