Eye contact - anyone else put a lot of thought in to it?

Post Reply New Topic

The OP has done a great job. I've been trying to work out eye contact for a couple of years, but reading the OP's post and other info on the net, it seems I'm hopelessly clueless.

Mastering the non-verbal communication can e valuable, though, as I found out at work. I had particularly spooked a particular colleague who took a dislike to me. I discovered an excellent resource about body language and eye contact and put some of the info into practice. That colleague and others began to respect me more and more, asking my opinion on stuff, I got invited out ot lunch more, it paid dividends.

Now with the info the OP has brought us, I'm going to try and improve it even more. I'm currently unemployed, and have had quite a few interviews, but I'm convinced that alot of the time it's my body language that's letting me down.

This helps a lot and keeps awkwardness to a minimum.

Nice tip CIcely

I have this issue that when I do make eye contact with one or both people in a conversation (which they started with each other while I was there) with the intent to put in my opinion or experiences they NEVER acknowledge me by giving me eye contact or a "welcome open arms" body language and thus do not let me enter the conversation AT ALL; and so since I have something germane to say I butt in sometimes, which infuriates them, after which usually they then wind up telling me what I had to say was redundant and worthless, that I have a big ego for trying to spin it toward my experiences!! !

I swear there have been times I wanted to start a fist fight over this issue, because there is no way to win, they just monopolize the convo and turn me into someone without worth.

My problem is if I say that while I look them in the eye I blink or constrict my pupils or just plain worry whether they will believe me, then by me acting weird they WILL think I am lying. This even happens with family, so it's not due to a lack of a comfort factor with certain people.

It's better for me to look away as that is seen less than a lying behavior. I'd rather be thought of as being delusional about being in touch with my emotions (or having a lack of grasp of the situation) than being thought of as a liar.

BTW when I read different body language books (3 so far plus dozens of article on the web on the subject) I either get conflicting truths about what stuff means, or it just leaves my "ownership" zone eventually, so I have to start over from scratch about every 2 months or so - none of it has sunk in to the point where I can display different level of "talent" in body language than I had before.

It is also a major pain in the butt to execute body language by "science" (assuming I can which is hard since I do not learn things thru language but thru watching others - and a few pics in a book will not suffice - I'd need hours and hours of video to catch on) and tires me out to the point I can't think of what to say and I usually say something stupid that has them wondering if I am crazy or a loser or such, and has made several friendships/business contacts stop dealing with me altogether, not because I offend but because I perplex and am seen as too much to deal with when one of their NT contacts/friends would make things easier on them with less friction or difficulty. MAJOR

I have that problem too, with entering a conversation. Either I end up saying something that is barely acknowledged by the others, or I end up taking over and either lecturing or answering questions from the others. I don't know why this is. When I'm in a one-one situation I will occasionally go into lecture mode, but overall the conversation runs really smoothly. I guess I can naturally pick up on the signals from ONE person, but when there are several I just get mixed up.

I really enjoy one on one conversations, at least if I feel the other person is not putting on too much superficial chit-chat. That makes me ill at ease. And I usuallly get really tired if it's a new person, because I'm constantly trying to figure them out and I'm always watching myself and what I say and what my face looks like. If I already kind of know them I'm much less awkward. Maybe that's because I've figured out how they communicate?

Maybe that's why it's so difficult for us, because with each person we meet, we have to start from scratch and learn communication all over again?

Which three books have you read so far? Were they based on research? Were they in a "teach yourself" format? I'm just curious.

I have shifty eye syndrome. Like I dunno my eyes bounce everywhere... any tips?

I'm totally shifty-eyed. Sometimes people think I'm rolling my eyes when I'm not. Often people think I'm nervous (I am), or bored (usually not).

I usually try to talk with people one-on-one, next to them, so I can stare off into space, and just glance at them from time to time.

If I'm facing them, and especially if there are several people, I look at the speaker's mouth a lot. This helps me understand what they're saying, especially if it's noisy, and keeps my eyes on them, so I look more 'engaged'. I look at their eyes from time to time, for just a second or so. I try Sooo hard not to have my eyes flit away as soon as theirs meet mine, but most of the time I fail unless I really concentrate (and lose what they're saying).

If it's work related, it's different. If I want to (which I usually don't), I can do all the right things, hold eye contact as needed, Interject amusing comments at the right time in their stories, make appropriate facial expressions. But that's much more highly ritualized than hanging out with friends (or people I want to be friends with).

So I guess I know the rules, and can 'pass', but it's so artificial. I feel ... dirty? I don't want to do that with my friends!

The thing that gets me about eye contact is that NTs get information from it, but I don't think my eyes are giving them that information, and theirs sure as hell aren't telling me anything. So going through the correct motions is like lying. So I think it's OK for me to make people meet me half way.

OK, one more thing. 'They' say that gay men can identify other gay men by the eye contact, because straight men will look away if they make eye contact with another guy they aren't talking to, but gay men will hold the eye contact for a couple of seconds if they're interested. I fail! How many missed connections?

Thanks to the amazing OP, and the thoughtful responses.

I agree nice work

I've been slowly working on eye contact for the last few months. In the beginning it's just uncomfortable and you wont really feel the benefit but as you get used to it the discomfort goes away most of the time (esp. with people you like) and it actually becomes enjoyable. I've been practicing on a friend (NT) who's going through a tough time and we've been having great chats in a way we never did before and the only thing I'm doing different is trying to improve the eye contact and trying to appear more interested.

It doesn't come naturally though I have to remind myself to do it and when I'm tired or annoyed it's really tough.

I think I can relate to what you're saying. One do it yourself exercise on eye contact I was reading is when listening to someone, make as much eye contact as you can without making them uncomfortable or staring. It seems to make them talk more, or at least talk to you about what they're saying. It's a good body language listening exercise.

Another exercise, only do with someone you know well or else it's weird, is to stare someone down until they look away, then ask how they felt (that's why it has to be someone you know well). That exercise helps you know how staring can make someone uncomfortable, while the other shows how "good eye" contact can make them more interested in talking to you.

There's also an exercise of applying what you read about eye contact by trying to talk to people and by their eye contact judging how much they want to talk to you.

I also enjoyed an exercise where you watch people at a restaurant to see in particular situations how their eye contact is with each other (reading said you're supposed to be careful though, because if they notice you're watching and keep on looking at you when you do so, you're supposed to watch someone else instead, because strangers can become uncomfortable for being looked at too much).

My Mother always told me to look at people when I talk to them. This probably was useful. I always note the color of people's eyes and knew a girl in college who had one blue eye and one brown eye the brown one had a little blue part.

People sometimes tell me I'm looking at their hair. This is bad because sometimes they are self conscious about their hair. Seems I look at a feature on their face so that I am in fact looking at them, but not directly into the eyes. The lady who diagnosed my high functional autism said I had developed coping mechanisms. But this might make me seem distant, and unaccessible.

Lately I have been thinking about eye contact. I have made a point with some of my co-workers to look them straight in the eye, though it is disquieting for some reason. I feel it probably comes across as staring and is unnerving. Contact needs to be intermittent, but to consciously do that distracts me from the conversation.

I have always been able to look into the eyes of a girl who I find attractive, if I feel there is a mutual attraction. There is something spiritual about it, at least to me, if not her.

If you stare at someone and they turn and see you, if you immediately turn away that comes across as freaky. If you lock eyes for a few seconds and smile before turning away that comes across as friendly or flirty.

Are there any effective methods of learning to make eye contact? I can't look anyone in the eye and I cease up in fear if someone even looks directly at me. I want to make progress but I've got no idea where to start.

I'm not for sure, but I think I found something interesting in this book http://www.amazon.com/Complete-Guide-As ... 959&sr=8-1 by Tony Attwood. Basically it talks about how AS can start by looking at parts of the face and then work their way up to the eyes. I checked the book out from the library one time. I think that it'd be a popular enough book that you could get it from a lot of libraries. If I were you, I'd just look in the index for eye contact.

Then after you can at least look at people, there's a book I'm looking at right now which has do it yourself exercises for body language http://www.amazon.com/Teach-Yourself-Bo ... 203&sr=1-3 They have a chapter on eye contact.

Thanks for the links!

That's where we can end up trying to perfectionize and trying to excel. And a lot of using social skills is just muddling through. And NTs, as well as non-normal non-Aspies, make all kinds of mistakes.

Don't get too much more involved than the other person. And cut them some slack, if possible, at least try and be open to that. And give the other person some space when he or she seems to need some space.

Okay, now what has worked for me regarding eye contact, is the broader eye slit area, and to let my vision fuzz just a little bit.

I have a theory about eye contact. In the animal world, direct eye contact constitutes a challenge, provoking an attack. Perhaps AS people instinctively avoid eye contact on the basis of avoiding 'attacks'?