Is it just me?

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Sorry. You're right, some people do that and it's not unreasonable to ask people's intentions.

It just seems like a lot of people on this board think that saying "you can change your situation" is the same as saying "you deserve your situation." Like they expect the world to change to accommodate us which, let's face it, just isn't gonna happen.

Anyway, I should've done what you did and just asked what you meant, rather than assume I knew.

No worries!

Well maybe you ought to end those friendships then, usually people like to know if someone they view as a friend does not see them the same way.

Oh, I get so tired of having to clarify my words.

Nope, I'm not that kind of person. I have no idea if Solvejg had considered it or even cared. Not everyone feels they should have to adjust themselves to get better results for their situations, and I can respect that, but some people haven't considered it at all and might welcome the observation. I'm really bad about not prefacing things. I didn't mean for it to sound like a "how dare you dress that way and get yourself raped" kind of thing. I was accused of being a manipulative person because I am constantly having to say, "but I didn't MEAN it that way." That person thought I was always trying to get away with something, when, nope, it's just me being a verbal dolt. If I'm more succinct it's because I think there can't possibly be another interpretation of what I've said, and then sure enough someone else has another interpretation for it. *headdesk*

Also, I really am confused why Solvejg uses the term "friends" given the way she feels about them and how they don't typically invite her to events.

Welcome to the club.

PS - I guess I was making the assumption that Solvejg fell into the latter category and was looking for advice. That might have been a bad assumption on my part.

Depends on the friends but almost all friends will want to see you and you to reciprocate from time to time. So, if you want friends that leave you alone whenever you ask, expect them to not be there when you want/need them to be. She seems to want friends to be at her beck and call.

She has to work out for herself whether she a) prefers having friends and other people to chat to/call on or b) wants to go it alone.

Social interaction is part and parcel of human life. Without it, she would die. It's that simple. She, as an Australian, with the Outback, should know this better than most.

I think I should have elaborated a little. I seem to be the person that everyone comes to with all their problems from wanting to be cheered up to discussing that they are having homoerotic thoughts to wanting to talk about if they should date xyz to the fact their fwb's decided to call it off. I really don't care about 99% of the s**t that they try to talk to me about. I listen and reciprocate because they are my friends but I get fed up. If I lived in the middle of nowhere by myself with my kids I wouldn't have to even make friends and I wouldn't be lonely because I wouldn't have the social expectations of maintaining friendships in front of me daily.

Last night at 3am I get a phone call off my mate because he wanted to to talk to someone about his fetish. He started talking about how great his New Years Party was. I asked why I wasn't invited. He said that he forgot. This is a daily occurrence for me.

At the end of the day I am not going to throw in the towel to all of my friendships because there is very few that are not like this and I have been friends with most of them for over a decade at least. Where I live is only a 2 degree level of separation so everyone knows everyone else.

So, essentially, you like the idea of being a hermit.

A lot of people have tried that but they get very, very lonely indeed. Also, if anything does go wrong, they have no support networks. You have no-one to talk to, no-one to be around. Also, if you lived in the middle of nowhere, you'd probably experience far, far more hostility than you would living in a city. People talk, you know.



Then these people aren't true friends; they're just users.

Solvejg,

That makes much more sense regarding where you're coming from.

Now, I can state emphatically: What the hell is wrong with these "friends" of yours?
(That's a rhetorical question.)

I'd recommend picking out a few that don't seem like they are actually using you and then gradually back off from interactions with the others. Suddenly become too busy when they are trying to rely on you without showing any signs that they mutually care about your involvement in the group (or at a minimum respect your time - 3am? sheesh).

A best friend of mine had to do that to weed out and separate the people he knew in order to get into a more positive head space.He broke them into three categories: 1)Real friends and acquaintances that he knew for sure weren't using him and that he felt comfortable around. These people he would continue keeping in contact with. 2)People that valued him for traits in his character that he didn't really value himself (like his ability to sit and listen to them drone on about their own problems or always borrowing money from him, essentially treating him like a doormat). These people he ceased communications with immediately, and didn't allow himself to feel bad about doing so. 3)People that fell in the middle, unsure ground. These folks he wouldn't contact directly, but he would wait to hear from them and continue to judge them on the same criteria until he could place them into either category 1 or 2.

This is exactly how I feel. I always thought it was strange, or even a bit selfish to feel that way, but is it? People tell me no if I invite them to something they're not interested in all the time, and even if I feel slightly offended by it, I still invite them to other things. But if I turn people down, I notice they'll stop inviting me places, but will invite others I know. Seems like an imbalance of reciprocation.

From your first post I thought you were talking about a sort of peer group that you shared interests with. From your second post I think that they are a bunch of jerks who are just using you. Friendship is give and take, and it doesn't sound like they are doing any giving at all. I'd suggest that you stop giving to them if they treat you like they do. I'd just be too busy to listen to their problems if I were you. I'd give them the cold shoulder. Be polite, but busy and firm. This way they have a chance to notice something is wrong and ask you what it is. I don't know how much good it would do to explain it to them, but if they have enough thought for others to notice and ask you, then mabye they can change. I'd also suggest finding someone to be friends with who is a little more worthy of your time and efforts.

And tell that guy that if he calls you at 3am again he better be in the hospital or jail!

i loved this advice...will apply it in my life.