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Growing Older — Very Few Friends

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SpiritBlooms
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06 Jun 2012, 10:43 am

Pipilo wrote:
Particularly now that I've figured out I have AS, I'm sort of over trying to have a social life. I do, however, have a few friends who share my interests, and these friendships are rewarding. I think some of them seem to have some AS traits as well, including a fixation on some of the same unusual interests I have, so they don't tend to require a lot of phone calls and getting together. When we do hang out, its fun. When we don't, no one seems to mind.

I like to imagine myself growing older with lots of friends, but it just doesn't seem to be my reality. So I'm appreciating the ones I have, and occasionally trying to make new friends in a context, like a special interest, that I'm more likely to succeed at than just an amorphous "friendship."

I find that I'm happier not really trying to force myself to be more social or to have friends. I used to work at that, and was so often disappointed - in myself - it's a relief to just accept myself now and enjoy my solitude. I wouldn't want to be completely alone in life, mind you. The people in my life are important to me, and I'm sure I'll make a few more friends as I go along. It's the whole thinking that one must be social that I am happy to give up on.

Even among introverts, on forums, I keep seeing things like, "Well it's fine to be an introvert but you need some socializing." I disagree that socializing needs to be measured or that any shoulds should be applied to it. The shoulds are what become a source of self-loathing. I'm determined to be at ease in my own natural level of social urges.



lease29
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16 Dec 2012, 4:42 am

I am 31 and have had very few friends throughout my life. I suppose it depends on how you use the term "friend". Been without friends for a couple of years now and have one friend though not a close friend who I contact now and then.
Now being in my early thirties I am realising most of the people I have in my life are acquaintances. I think back to when I was growing up and seeing people make friends and girls I went to school with start to date it never occurred to me that they were connecting with people when I have always had trouble connecting with people. Finding a person with the same interests and connecting with them or a group of people is hard and most people make friends with shared interests and I have few interests. I lead a quiet life and prefer solitary interests over social activities. I don't particularly like socialising. I do make an effort to meet people and do volunteer work and have joined Aspergers groups to meet other people like myself.
I would like a small group of girlfriends to go out to a nice restaurant or meet for coffee or go to the mall with but it is just a fantasy for me. Have heard that it is hard to make friends as you get older. My best friend is my cat Jaz :-) I can understand animals more than human beings.
I don't try to force myself to change for other people and I am happy to do my own thing. The Internet and my cat are my two special interests at the mo :-)



SoftKitty
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17 Dec 2012, 3:13 pm

LovesMoose wrote:
Hello, everyone ~

My name is Carla, and I'm a 41-year old woman self-identified as having Aspergers. Starting and maintaining friendships has always been a challenge for me, from early childhood and throughout my life. Miracle of ALL miracles, I managed to find a wonderful, loving and understanding husband (we eloped on New Year's Eve), but he is one of only two friends I have. My other friend I see very infrequently because that's all I really desire. There are plenty of people I know, but only two I consider to be friends. As I grow older I would love to have some friends to share things with. But I'm happiest when I'm alone, and although I'm learning how to feel that same sense of calm and contentedness when I'm with my husband, I just don't know if I can keep other friendships going.

Honestly, I know what's expected to keep them going, but I'm not so sure I want to make the effort. That sounds rather cold, I know. But I love my own company more than anything, and I feel kind of bothered and annoyed when people reach out and invite me to do things with them. Are you the same way? As an older person on the spectrum, are you finding that you want to grow older with friends by your side? Or is that more of a distant envy and desire, but something you really don't want to put forth the effort to make happen.

I'd love to hear from others about this.

Carla


Carla, don´t worry. I am totally like you - in everything. I feel it the same way. You are not alone :wink:


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