09 Dec 2008, 3:06 pm
Well, I usually pay attention what people say to each other in a small talk in the movies. (there you can find a lot of that stuff). My recent acquisition is saying "Well, that's good." ( with the right intonation which I cannot present here) Now whenever people tell mt" I passed an exam, I bought a new shoes... .. and my sister is pregnant )) and my brother is feeling better ... )). That's what I say now:
Well, that's good!. 
09 Dec 2008, 3:13 pm
10 Dec 2008, 1:13 am
10 Dec 2008, 5:26 am
10 Dec 2008, 1:32 pm
I think I'm going to tattoo Lukifer's list on the inside of my palm... 
10 Dec 2008, 4:53 pm
11 Dec 2008, 1:19 am
11 Dec 2008, 2:01 am
11 Dec 2008, 2:09 am
12 Dec 2008, 1:51 pm
13 Dec 2008, 3:31 am
Lukifer wrote:
I've always sucked at small talk. If you don't have anything to say, why open your mouth at all? But it helps to get by in the world nonetheless. I'd like to share some tricks I've learned:
People are fundamentally vain. Ask them random questions about themselves. Where you do live? Do you like it there? What do you do for a living? What did you do last weekend? You don't have to actually be interested, just to feign interest. Most people love to talk about themselves; they're just waiting for someone to give them opportunity or permission.
Words matter less than you think. Timothy Leary said, "90% of human communication is: 'I'm still here. Are you still there?'". Most folks are dancing a ritual dance where words are ancillary; the other person simply wants you to acknowledge their existence with eye contact and other clues that you're paying attention to them. This may not help you on what to say, but it relieves some of the pressure to come up with something significant or clever.
Smile. It seems stupid, but it makes all the difference. Bonus points for smiling not just with your mouth, but your whole face. Humans are natural mimics: if you smile, they will tend to smile too. Your tone of voice also tends to change while you're smiling, and people will pick up on it. Practice in the mirror if you need to (I certainly have).
Engage their interests, or find common ground. There are also no hard and fast rules which demand you talk about the weather or the local sports team. Ask a few small-talk-y questions to get an idea of what they're into ("What do you do for a living?", "What do you do for fun?", "See any good movies lately?"), and then probe for details, especially if it's something you can relate to. As soon as you can fixate on a topic which you are both interested in, uncomfortable small talk ends and a real conversation with actual ideas begins.
It helps to have an "out". Even among regular folks, small talk doesn't always go very well. Having a pre-planned escape route out of awkward moments makes it easier to take the plunge in the first place. Cell phones are tops for this: In mid-sentence, stop abruptly as if the vibrate function is going off. Take it out of your pocket, glance at it, and say "I'm sorry, I really have to take this. Excuse me, please." Glancing at your watch and pretending to have to be someplace is also an oldie but a goodie.
Just say "hi". If you're approaching a stranger, it's actually perfectly acceptable to just walk up to somebody and say, "Hi, I'm _____. What's your name?", possibly following up with other random probing questions. It seems bizarre, but this is really very normal behavior, and almost nobody will think you odd for it.
Everybody's lying (at least a little bit), and everybody's insecure. Most people are too busy worrying about how they look to you, and whether you see through their mask or not, to probe very deeply into you. You'll feel like you're under a microscope, but you're usually not. Let the other party know that you're okay with them, and almost by reflex, they'll be okay with you.
Loving this site, I wish I'd known about years ago.
People are fundamentally vain. Ask them random questions about themselves. Where you do live? Do you like it there? What do you do for a living? What did you do last weekend? You don't have to actually be interested, just to feign interest. Most people love to talk about themselves; they're just waiting for someone to give them opportunity or permission.
Words matter less than you think. Timothy Leary said, "90% of human communication is: 'I'm still here. Are you still there?'". Most folks are dancing a ritual dance where words are ancillary; the other person simply wants you to acknowledge their existence with eye contact and other clues that you're paying attention to them. This may not help you on what to say, but it relieves some of the pressure to come up with something significant or clever.
Smile. It seems stupid, but it makes all the difference. Bonus points for smiling not just with your mouth, but your whole face. Humans are natural mimics: if you smile, they will tend to smile too. Your tone of voice also tends to change while you're smiling, and people will pick up on it. Practice in the mirror if you need to (I certainly have).
Engage their interests, or find common ground. There are also no hard and fast rules which demand you talk about the weather or the local sports team. Ask a few small-talk-y questions to get an idea of what they're into ("What do you do for a living?", "What do you do for fun?", "See any good movies lately?"), and then probe for details, especially if it's something you can relate to. As soon as you can fixate on a topic which you are both interested in, uncomfortable small talk ends and a real conversation with actual ideas begins.
It helps to have an "out". Even among regular folks, small talk doesn't always go very well. Having a pre-planned escape route out of awkward moments makes it easier to take the plunge in the first place. Cell phones are tops for this: In mid-sentence, stop abruptly as if the vibrate function is going off. Take it out of your pocket, glance at it, and say "I'm sorry, I really have to take this. Excuse me, please." Glancing at your watch and pretending to have to be someplace is also an oldie but a goodie.
Just say "hi". If you're approaching a stranger, it's actually perfectly acceptable to just walk up to somebody and say, "Hi, I'm _____. What's your name?", possibly following up with other random probing questions. It seems bizarre, but this is really very normal behavior, and almost nobody will think you odd for it.
Everybody's lying (at least a little bit), and everybody's insecure. Most people are too busy worrying about how they look to you, and whether you see through their mask or not, to probe very deeply into you. You'll feel like you're under a microscope, but you're usually not. Let the other party know that you're okay with them, and almost by reflex, they'll be okay with you.
Loving this site, I wish I'd known about years ago.
Yeah ditto!
Those are some really good points, and I'd like to add one that alluded me for years: When someone says "Hi, how are you?" 90% of the time they're not actually asking how you are. The standard response is "Fine thanks, how are you?" and its ok to use that a lot of the time. If they actually look like they want a conversation (body turned toward you and they're not moving away and there's eye contact) or if they're closer friends/family you can tell the truth and say how you really are - if you want to talk about yourself.
15 Dec 2008, 11:17 am
15 Dec 2008, 7:27 pm
15 Dec 2008, 8:25 pm
16 Dec 2008, 1:28 am
16 Dec 2008, 2:07 am
