Reciprocity and Genuine Friendship

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Her story painfully reminds me of myself. I have problems with reciprocity to this day, though in much more subtle issues. She's lucky to have someone to teach her, and gently too. I learned by way of rejections, abandonments, shunning, ridicule, punishments, loneliness - and desperate soul-searching for what the problem was. So I learned extremely slowly and was making at 30 the mistakes a child makes at 5. She's still young and so she has many people to meet yet, there's lots of hope there if she's interested enough in friendships to change.

Let me rephrase. The "litmus test" I proposed serves as a good rule of thumb. It's more likely that a 17 or 18 year old who doesn't initiate social contact with a given person is not a genuine friend than it is that he or she is a genuine friend who feels uncomfortable initiating social contact with anyone.

She is going to make this realization at some point, and be angry and depressed about it. But if this happens now, you'll be here to anticipate and handle the situation, minimizing the damage.

I would suggest to focus on the people that seem the most interested in her. Asking the other ones that were more interested in "cliquing up" could lead to more frustration and drama. Sometimes, people like that (even ones that are 17/18 ) take advantage of socially naive people, and can really screw with their heads.

Another suggestion might be to (for now) settle for friends that may be a bit younger than her. Not a lot of people her age are still into the "Disney Channel" thing and if she can't curb her interest in it (publically), it could lead to a lot of people her age "ditching" her.

You have some great ideas! You learned the concept of reciprocity in a similar way I did and I'm thinking about teaching her it in a similar manner. It's not that Bonnie doesn't care about other people, I think it's just hard for her to listen to something that isn't related to her and her interests.

Asking other people questions about themselves is one of the things I do that differentiates me from the Aspies that I work with, and it's one of the reasons I have many close friendships today. Mind you, this was one of the hardest things for me to learn because I had to fake it over the first little while, plus I learned it fairly later in life (over the last two years of high school).

I think with her I should acknowledge that this skill is hard to learn as it was for me, but that it produces great results in the long run (i.e. people will want to ask more questions about you in return).



Also a great idea. The social outings could be used as a practical setting I could use for Bonnie to apply this specific skill. Plus, because she's in a group of peers who understand her difficulties, they will be non-judgemental of her if she's a little slow to catch on. Also I'm thinking it could be very simple like "What music do you like?" where the answers could be straightforward and then move on from there.

Thanks!

Of course. I'll be referring to her as Bonnie throughout the rest of this thread.



Yeah, the term 'pity friend' does sound a little negative. But you're right on the ball with the nurturing thing...I had the very same relationship with my peers growing up. It's a good thing in a way because it offers her support, but it's also a bad thing because they're only doing it because they feel sorry for her, rather than because she'd do the same for them.

I desired to change my relationship with my peers because I recognized that I wanted them to see me as more than someone who was sad and had meltdowns every other day. I wanted to be on the same level as them. She wants this too, and the hard part right now is allowing her to recognize that other people have things they want to talk about too.

I most definitely agree. The year after next, she'll likely be going to college and from there she'll meet tons of new people, which means plenty of more opportunities to interact. Right now though she's in high school and having a tough time with it because of her differences. I'm hoping that maybe I could suggest a few things that will make it a little easier for her, and reassure her that these skills aren't the easiest to learn.

I really like your suggestions. Bonnie has a really hard time curbing her obsessions though. For example, she'll sing Hannah Montana songs out loud in the school hallways, and she is known by everyone at school as the girl who does so. Luckily, she's in grade 12 now but not graduating until next year, so there are plenty of people entering into high school that could be potential friends for her.

One thing she did at her birthday party was have everyone listen to her play songs by Hannah and Aly & AJ on her guitar. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it, but she needs to understand that those songs may not necessarily appeal to her age group.

I learned about taking a genuine interest in people and how to compliment people, at age 25 from "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. That's all there was then, I'm sure there must be even better stuff to read nowadays, more suitable for her age too.

Thanks for rephrasing.

For me, when I was younger, most of my friends that I've had have been one or two years younger. It's good practice socially. Now, my friends and acquaintances are of various ages.

I suppose she still has a year to "catch up" seeing as how you live in Ontario. Once teens reach age of majority, it can really seperate people. A 19 year old girl who would rather watch Hannah Montana DVDs than go to the bar will quickly get left behind.

Anneursym,
I hope that your mentorship for this girl is successful. I would like to make a suggestion that may be of help.

I wish that I had a mentor or coach at that age. I think that the best coaches correct and instruct. If only someone could point out exactly where and when things go bad socially and then give and example of better behavior, a lot of misery would be avoided.

I think that it would be of far greater service to this girl, if instead of putting her in situations where people are going to give her extra slack, she should be put in with socially successful people, monitored, and then given corrective measures to improve upon and practice. She may prefer and be able to understand this black and white, no nonsense approach much better than giving her encouragement or understanding. Even role playing would be helpful.
For instance, you might suggest a different facial expression or voice volume, or point out where in the conversation she lost the interest of the other participants and work on how all these things work together.

It might seem hurtful to address these issues bluntly, but it is surely kind to give assistance in learning new behavior.

Most likely she will never instictively be able to be like an NT in social settings, but that does not mean that she can't cope with learned behavior.

We should all be so lucky as to have someone as concerned as you are.

I've had a similar experience. The friends I had growing up were either younger than me or had a developmental delay, but hey are around my age or older now.

I think it's going to be a bit tougher for Bonnie once she turns 19. She's not a big fan of drinking and...ermmm...'non-innocent' activities. If the girls she hangs around now get into the bar scene, I fear she's going to feel even more left out. I don't ever want to encourage her to drink though, since that has the potential to lead into a total disaster for her (i.e. she won't know her limits or she'll be taken advantage of).

I'm thinking about incoroporating your suggestion as well. Maybe it will help her to see where she 'goes wrong' in a way that is distinct and clear for her. One struggle I had when trying to figure social situations out was 'reading between the lines' in situations in order to know what mistakes I made. By showing her errors in a way that is clear to her, maybe she'll be more likely to gain a sense of instinct and will be more likely to spot potential social errors.

As well, thank you for the encouragement! It means a lot.

Update:
Another issue has come up with Bonnie that is also related to the topic of genuine friendship.
I posted this topic in a more appropriate forum:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp2222505.html#2222505

What you are doing for this girl is really great. Good luck to you.